Falling

• Artist: Kittygirl390
• Description: Very short story, please read and tell me what you think honestly.
• Date: 12/08/2009
• Tags: falling

The nights air is still, nothing sounded as a dark figure leaped a top building. He was quick, like a ninja but lean like cat. A dark gunner's coat dangling, and in the moonlight a glistening object in his belt. He runs up and down the streets as if to say 'I'm looking for you...' He stops at a window and peers inside, a young girl lay still sleeping soundly in the silent night.
He spoke, "Hello..." his voice was angelic and calming, "Kiru are you okay," as he goes through the window he notices a pool of blood circling her bed as if it was a hex, but it wasn't. As he took a closer look he saw a knife in her throat.
"Kiru no....why?" He runs out of the window but instead of leaping to another building he falls.... Falls to the ground to his death. As he falls he sees nothing but blackness and then suddenly a quick release of all his problems were gone and nothing was there, just a hollow body. The shining object falls out pf his coat exposing a beautiful wedding ring.

Comments

[AmayaUta12]

I think its really good, true, his death is a little sudden and I think you should have a description on what the girl looks like. Is she pretty? Sweet kind? what is she to him? 4/5

[Kittygirl390]

I don't usually make full stories unless I have to, so Most of my stories are strangely out of place.

[0o_foxlover_o0]

this is good. i think that should all be the part on the back of the book, but you have the opportunity to put a lot of things in there. for example, who where they, where did they come from, how did they meet, when did the woman die, how did she die, and, most importantly, who killed her and why. oh, and how did the man know she was in trouble? all of these are questions that go through a readers head when they read that right the

[Kittygirl390]

Actually this is not part of a series.

[tragic_evanescent]

I have not read your stuff, so I am going to assume this is part of a series? Its very well written. But short. Too short. Theres not enough "action" leading up to the climax. Also, this peice (again assuming this is part of a series) assumes you know the characters and backstories of the characters. While allusion is good, sometimes, in short stories you need to give some information to those who HAVEN'T read the previous installments. Other wise, the piece is very good.