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Her Daughter...Her Child



What do I live for? I'm in so much pain that I'm surprised that my heart hasn't died from the pain. My mind is never at ease...sleep has deserted me...food is non appetizing...I have no interests in relationships...sad music is all I wish to hear...I am not interested in being around anyone...I prefer to be alone...yet I can't bear the silence it brings...the one person that hurts me and has brought me into this state is fooled that I am happy...I put on a fake smile to ease their heart while neglecting my own...ah...that is why I live. I live for that person whose bond with me is deeper than the ocean. I must live for that person...this house that we share with the others is desolate...the walls echo with the sounds of silence that lies within my heart and it sorrow...incredible that she expects my life to be so happy and promising...can I tell her otherwise? I want her to be happy. I want to leave her...but I can't. She needs support...even if I am only a child that under certain circumstances was forced into knowledge that was beyond her years. A child of the age of three shouldn't have known that tears would only hurt her more...a child shouldn't understand something that takes years for the adults to even comprehend...it's not fair for a child to be stripped of her childhood...even now...as a fourteen year old 'girl'...I understand to much for my age...I know what death is...I know true sorrow and pain...I understand the meaning of being "human"...why? Why was I forced to grow up to early? I still want to be that little girl that understands no more than my surroundings and wants...why? Why can't I have that? I want to forget...I don't want to understand anymore...I don't wish to fear my true feelings...I don't want to feel sorrow greater than the tallest mountain...I ust want to be left alone with out having everyone search through me as if I was an open mansion...I lock many of the doors to keep you out...the ones you see...I only laugh at and say that they are nothing...I don't want people to see what I am...I don't want them to know my gifts...I can read people...I can feel there emotions and can relate to them...I don't want to see it...I don't want to run from the mirrors in fear of what I might see within the reflection...I don't wish to look into my own eyes and see the truth...I want to throw away the mask that I put up in front of her to make her believe that I am happy. I want to truly be happy...I don't wish to pretend...but I don't want to see the life drain away from her eyes...I don't want her to loose her soul...she has given me more than I have ever deserved...she gave up her happiness for my sake...and she will continue to give up the happiness that she has earned...I want her to be happier than this...she is my precious one...she gave me life and I will keep her living even if I have to suffer to do it...I know of my condition...my illness...but I wish to hide it from her...I will treat after I leave this desolate house behind...when she doesn't have to see me everyday...when I am alone...there I will be myself...I won't hide from the mirrors in the room...I won't force the smile...and slowly...I will remove the knife in my heart that has forced myself to her...I will let her think that I am happy until then...I won't let her see the sadness within my own eyes...I won't let her expierence the truth...I won't let her see the elderly glaze that hangs in my eyes proving the wisdom beyond my years...I will pretend and continue this little play for her...I will prove that I am an excellent actress for a few more years...and 'til then...I won't allow her to know what great sorrow, pain, anguish, hidden tears, and lonliness her duaghter carries within her...I let her dream come true so that she will never know what her daughter really is...an empty shell...a fallen angel...and a miserable child of her God...I am her child...her life.