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Memories and Masks



Memories usually mean something to everyone. Most of the time your memories would mean more to you than to someone else. Memories can bring happiness, tears, pain, sadness, and even great sorrow. There are some people who live in their memories of their loved ones now gone, or people who want to forget their memories and move on. Memories that you want to forget are usually the ones that bring you the greatest pain and sorrow. They are the memories that keep you up at night and constantly keep you from sleep. Those kinds of memories are the memories that cause you to stop eating and a shut down of your stomach. Memories that people want to forget are usually kept hidden and locked away in our own hearts to drown in. Those memories are the ones that you are most ashamed of. The ones that make you want to cry just by triggering something that reminds you of them. Most people will hide these memories well. They will make sure that those things never happen to anyone else and desperatly try to do everything in their power to stop them from repeating to themselves ever again. Those memories are usually the ones that scar us the most. They haunt us in our sleep, thus keeping us from sleep by fearing that we might see them again. Through the lack of sleep, we suffer strange eating habbits that suddenly change. The main problem is when we hide these fears from our friends and family. But what happens when our little secrets come spilling out all of a sudden? What are we to do?We constantly wonder if our friends will see through our smiles and laughter, that our friends will see right to the pain locked deep in our hearts. We all carry burdens. Some of the lucky ones can get set free from these horrible nightmaric memories. But what is to become of those who are not set free? What do we do with them? They are the ones that trully suffer. They can't show their true feelings because they hide behind masks. They just want to be set free from the pain they carry in the hearts. What happens to most of us who are not set free? Most of us turn to drugs or whiskey. Others are able to find a more creative way of releasing the pain. Some of us will draw our feelings, some of us will sing out the pain, others will write their pain away. But those exercises don't stop the pain from coming back. A small trigger sich as a picture, word, phrase, action, or even the plot of a good book or movie. What do we do when we see these images that bring the pain back so suddenly? We hide behind our smiles and laughter and turn away. We wait til' no ones looking to show our true selves. We don't want to be found out. We know that when we are found out...that will be our true down fall. We spend most of our time keeping busy so the images won't have time to trigger or settle in the front of our minds. We don't want to sleep in the same room as someone else for fear that they will wake up to our cries of pain and force us to tell them what's wrong. We don't want to let strangers in to our closed hearts. We can't have a real relationship with anyone from fear that they will get to close. Memories that drown my soul into the eternal darkness of my own mind. Yes, I have those memories to. I once washed them all away, but something change in my life to where I was put in a corner with no escape from my memories. They drowned me all at once to where I almost allowed my mask to slip in front of everyone. I want to help my friends above all else, but the truth is...my friends are the ones that need to save me. I'm not sure if I should let them. How would they look at me then? To know that my past was and still is so twisted that a tornado, hurricane, and even a bottomless pit can not compare to the agony that I have had to endure. How would my friends look upon me then? Would they see the mask and only the mask that I hide behind? Or would they let that mask fall from it's place and let it forever rest on the ground? How would they see me? Most likely you could name something horrible and I have probably seen it happen before my eyes, to myself, or to someone I care about. I carry heavy burdens and everyones secrets along with my own. I never let anyone have the chance to take away my curse. I wouldn't wish my secrets upon anyone. But I know better than anyone that they will find out eventually. They will see that I am as twisted as the characters that I have written about in my stories all put together. I am probably the most twisted child that has remained sane in this country. People have died because of me, people have died because of the actions that I set into place. I don't want anyone else to die because I couldn't save them. I don't want to watch this cursed hell toss me around any longer. I don't want to sit here and watch as some elses soul dies out because I couldn't see. I love my friends. That is why I have survived this hell so long. I live to watch them live and I want to see them happy. I live for them alone. I love my friends...and I wonder if they love me enough...I would gladly toss away my life if it meant they could all be happy. But that's why I can't die yet. They still need me. Maybe one day I'll be rid of this never ending hell of a mind. So I'm going to wear my mask until it drops to the floor from withering away, or finaly one of my friends breaks through it to get to me. I want to be here so that my friends can be happy and live the way they want to. Maybe...just maybe...I will live happily like them to. Memories...masks...everything gone. Nothing but happiness...no sorrow or pain...maybe...I guess the only thing to do is to let time flow for now...just endure the pain for now...and one day I'll be set free...maybe...