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~*Chapter ten

As Cloud, Brian and I arrived at the funeral; I quickly spotted my dad and walked right next to him. We took a seat at the front, goody, the front. My eyes were basically shut, my hands clutching my dad’s sleeve. “Open your eyes Annie.” My dad commanded. I slowly opened my eyes, biting my lip, gripping harder on my dad’s sleeve. There he was there was Rodney lying dead in his coffin. He was white as snow, his lips weren’t pink anymore, and he was motionless. I covered my mouth and choked back tears, it was so hard for me to just see him not breathing, not coming to me. “I’m sorry Annie, I really am.” I nodded and patted his shoulder. I turned around and saw other people crying as me, but they were also stuck ups. Their tears were falling, but they weren’t huffing about, they only took a tissue and tapped lightly on the wet spots, careful not to ruin their face. It disgusted me; no one really cared for him as much as me. They only constantly worried about their money, their success. Rodney cared for success but he was able to give that up for me. I was just an imperfect girl with so many flaws. Yet he chose me.
Everyone took turns on what to say. It wasn’t traditional, we said what we had to say, and then we followed him to his peaceful hole. It was my turn to speak, I was on the list and to tell you the truth I had nothing to say at all. What could I say in front of all these people? I never met them before. I walked to the stand closing my eyes careful not to look at Rodney. Several people noticed, coughed, and then whispered to their neighbor. “Hello,” my voice was quivering I tried to break a smile, but it just wouldn’t come, “My name is Annie. I’m Rodney’s girlfriend, you might have heard the worst part about me but—“ everything was just plain stupid. Why was I explaining myself? People were silent glaring at me. Waiting for me to continue. I was only following what they did, they talked about themselves, only how sad they were, they didn’t mention about Rodney, not how they enjoyed him living. I rattled my finger against the stand.
“Listen, I loved Rodney. He changed my life dramatically, and I miss him a lot. He made me beautiful, he made me happy, he made me feel like I was already in heaven.” My voice rattled constantly. “I’m not even sure some of you knew who Rodney really was, but he was one hell of a great guy. I miss his smile, his smell, everything. But I have to let him go.” The flash of his lips against mine, the creamy lavender skies in my dream. The T-shirt burning in the fire. Then I remember closing him completely.
‘I love you Ann.’
The tiny voice came back.
“I love you too.” I said. Everyone stared at me, I heard Cloud whimper. “I loved you a lot Rodney, your mom also and it might not seem like it, but your dad did to. I hated how you cared constantly about me, when I was completely useless, why you didn’t abandon me when I told you I was pregnant.” Several people gasped. I looked at Rodney’s motionless body and began to sob. “N-now look at you! What the hell were you doing!” I was depressed and angry. What was he doing driving at night? “Tell me! You ******** idiot, I need you!” I didn’t care if several old ladies looked at me funny, I didn’t care at all.
‘Damn Ann, I love you.’
I love you. . . I love you. . . was all he said in my head. Chanting it like a prayer. “I love you.” I added. As I felt my body tremble I retreated back to my seat next to my father. This time I didn’t grab for his sleeve, but his hand. We both squeezed tightly. For the first time in my life, I actually saw my dad’s face soften and saw gentle tears trickle down his cheeks.

~*~

We followed Rodney’s coffin, like zombies, I was grateful to not see his motionless body, but not so grateful when they put him down the hole. It was dark and endless, two men carefully levered it down. Crying and whispering. Cloud and I did most of the crying, the old stuck up ladies did most of the whispering. It was over, over like that. He was gone forever, now his body was left to rot underground. Becoming one with the soil. I wanted to be there with him, I envied him already. He was probably flying in heaven laughing. I wanted to rot in the soil with him, my fingers tangled with his. No one moved for a second, till I said, “Come on dad, let’s go home.”
My dad silently to our house. No conversation, was my dad troubled as well? “Dad—“
“Sorry I cried in front of Annie, but I didn’t know you loved him that much.” My fingers fidgeted. “Young love, I’ll never understand it.” We both laughed weakly at that last comment.
“I love you dad, a lot, I do. Thanks for not leaving me.” it was so random, he stiffened a bit.
“Oh Annie, it’s my fault. Your mom would still be here if I wasn’t such a drunk. I regret a lot now, a whole lot. I better be going to church every Sunday, don’t want to end up in hell.” He chuckled.
“It’s OK, you did enough by yourself.” We stopped in front of the house. I got out of the car and threw off my heels. My ankles were killing me and my eyes were to. A nice warm bath would do it.
I laid in the warm water, the smell of fruit surrounded the air. The heat steamed out of the water fogging the mirror completely. I wanted to hear Rodney’s voice so I searched in my head, but I couldn’t find anything of Rodney. He was gone just like I said he was, he locked the door on me. I’ll plead to get in, he’ll keep me out. I sighed tiredly and sunk in the water closing my eyes. I wiggled my toes, splashing the water a bit. I felt a giggle come up my throat and laughed childishly. I laughed at something, I laughed at what? My mind was blank but I was laughing. It must be the water; it’s getting to my head.
I sprawled all over my bed, smelling my clean skin, and the comfort of my own pajamas. I peeked at the corner of my room and saw my hiking gear. Tomorrow I will go out there and climb the biggest rock, the one rock I wished to climb. Yes. I loved the idea so much I smiled. I smiled a wide grin. As I quickly fell to sleep, I dreamt that I was on top of that rock. Reaching up to the sky, on my tip-toes, touching a cloud, touching Rodney’s fingertips.