• The Weekly Gag Presents:

    A Weekly Gag Presentation.



    Kristen&Martin in:

    THE PHANTOM MENTOS (Da-da-da-DAAA!)


    Chapter 1
    Introduction

    Once upon a time, there were two fourteen year olds: Kristen and Martin. Kristen had blonde hair tied up in a ponytail with a streak of pink running down one side. Her clothing consisted of a simple black shirt with short white sleeves, long, purple gloves that went up the side of her arms (covering everything from elbow down, except for her fingers of course), blue jeans, a brown belt, and white and black shoes. Her eyes were a rich blue.

    Martin had bluish-grayish hair. He had on a black shirt with long white sleeves. On his shirt was a picture of a skull (: D). His pants were short, beige, cargo pants, and he had completely black shoes. His eyes were a dark green.

    So, they were hanging out at Kristen’s house (just because she had cable, playstation 2, gamecube, and a wii. Nothing that important). It was summertime, and they were doing what any teenager was doing: nothing. Absolutely nothing. They were bored out of their skulls, THE Kristen and Martin.

    “How can the author DO this to us?” Martin whined.
    “Yeah.” Agreed Kristen. “I hate to agree with a Tasmanian Moron, but I guess I’ll have to.”
    “Of course you’ll have to. Wait, did you just call me a moron?”
    Kristen rolled her eyes the other way and started whistling.
    “A-a-any way, we’d best find something to do here before we die of boredom.” Said Kristen.
    “How can you die of boredom?”
    “Well, after about two hours of doing nothing but drooling on the couch, your skull caves in, your heart explodes, your ribcage implodes, the force of the exploding heart and imploding ribs squashes what organs exist inside of the ribs, your throat goes up and down like an accordion, your eyes…” Kristen paused at the sound of a male, vomiting fourteen-year old behind a bush. “Oh, yes. Thanks Mart (nickname), I forgot. You also start vomiting.”
    “Ugh,” Martin groaned. “Mercy. We just ate. Can’t you be sensible for HALF AN HOUR so my lunch can digest in peace?”
    “Good.” Kristen said approvingly. “Now that your stomach has emptied its contents, will you PLEASE walk with me somewhere so we don’t start imploding?”
    “No.”
    All the sudden, a drama teacher named Mrs. Dunsley came along and put Martin in a corner. “Don’t say no to your partner!”

    ~Meanwhile~

    A young twelve-year old girl named Sammy looked over several sheets of paper. “Hmm…I don’t remember putting that in the script, did I? Huh…too late now to change. Whatever.” I wonder how that got in there, she thought. “Okay, crew! Keep rolling! Mrs. Dunsley, please take Martin out of the corner.”

    ~Back to our scene~

    Kristen finally convinced Martin that saying ‘no’ was a bad thing. They walked along.
    Suddenly, Kristen grew an evil grin. “Say, Martin, do you like pink?”
    “Of course I don’t-” Martin turned around. There was Mrs. Dunsley. He gulped. “Of course I like pink.”
    “And Barbies?”
    Martin frowned. “Kristen, why are you-”
    “Don’t change the subject, either!” yelled Mrs. Dunsley. Kristen’s grin grew wider.
    “Well? Do ya?”
    “Yes, I do.”
    “And do you wear girls underwear?”
    “WHAT?!?! This is ludicrous! I demand my-”
    “DON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!!!!”
    Martin gulped. For the respect of Martin (he has none), I decided to take this answer out. You can guess what happened, though.

    Chapter 2
    The City of Weirdom

    After several hours of this, they stopped walking and found themselves stationed in front of a weird place. Which was strange, even Kristen admitted that it was weird, which was pretty weird. They had seen a lot of strange things before, but they could honestly say that they were weirded out by it.

    It was a city. It was COATED in pink, and was complete with flying thingies and strange animal-like doodads. In the background, they could see buildings as tall as, if not taller than, the Sears Tower.
    Martin was the first to break the silence. “What is this place?” he breathed.
    “I think, I think we already know what it is.” Replied Kristen. “If you bothered to pay attention to the title of this story, you’d already know.”
    Martin turned white. “Surely you don’t mean the-”
    “Yep.” They both looked up at the towering buildings. “The City That Anakin Skywalker Came From. Only Anakin isn’t here.”
    “How do you know?”
    “I just do. Now shut up. Lets go.” They started walking again.
    All of the sudden, a little pink thing came flying up right in front of them. It could only be described as a combination of a floating baby elephant with a short trunk and a mandrake from Harry Potter. Oh, and did I mention wings? Yeah, wings about thirty times smaller than the rest of its body. It could barely float in the air its wings were so tiny.
    “Hello!” it cried. “Welcome to Chimchoy City! I’m here to provide you with pleasure and satisfaction for your stay!”
    Kristen gulped. “Sorry, but I’ve got an appointment I’ve gotta get to.”
    “Yeah, me too,” Martin chimed in. “A dentists appointment!”
    “Oh, we have dentists here! Come on! I’ll show you!” and with that, the little, er, thing took them by their shirts and dragged them across the city.
    Kristen glared venomous darts at Martin. “You HAD to put in the dentist thing.”
    Martin shrugged. “You never told me what type of appointment it was.”
    “There WAS no appointment, fool! My God, you are the stupidest idiot alive!” she hissed.
    “Oh. Right. I definitely knew that. Just trying to, heh, fool you!”
    She punched him in the shoulder.
    Right at that moment, the little thing dumped them outside of a tall building. Inside, they could hear screams echoing throughout the building. They both gulped.
    “Enjoy your teeth cleaning!” It said. Then it threw them inside.
    ~~~
    Kristen and Martin landed with a thud. The door closed behind them and a sinister-looking light came on. It kept on moving away from them. The welcoming darkness held something, they didn’t know what, that seemed so terrible that it could kill them before they could say ‘Objection’.
    “Hurry!” Kristen hissed. “We’ve gotta catch up!”
    Martin and Kristen ran towards the light. They traveled for what they figured was a long time. Suddenly, out of the blue (or should I say black), a, well, thing came jumping out at them. Kristen squealed and ducked. Martin squealed-and jumped. The thing hit Martin and fell down. They looked to inspect it. It was the carcass of an animal.
    “All over my shirt!” Martin groaned.
    “Ulp,” said Kristen.
    “Do you reckon he got bored?” Martin asked. Kristen hit him. “Ow,” he said, rubbing his head.
    “Shut up and keep up.” Replied Kristen.
    They walked ahead.
    Then, the light went out. A girlish voice gasped. A sort of girlish and boyish voice squealed. Something growled. Wait a sec-something growled?

    ~Meanwhile~

    Sammy was looking at her script and frowning. “Who put this stuff in here? I definitely did not put any growling thing here. Nor did I add a ‘Mrs. Dunsley’. Who put this in? Huh? Hmmm… ‘Something growled. They heard footsteps approach them. Martin begged the author to stop the skit. He stared weeping.’ Hmmm…” She took a marker and scratched something out. “Much better,” she said approvingly. “keep rolling!”

    ~Back to our scene~

    Now…where were we? Oh, yes: Then, the light went out. A girlish voice gasped. A sort of girlish and boyish voice squealed.
    All of the sudden, a pair of doors opened, leading to a dimly lit hallway. “ENTER!!!” Boomed a voice that seemed to come from somewhere, yet came from nowhere.
    “Huh? That makes no sense. Why would it come from somewhere and nowhere?” Martin inquired.
    “Doesn’t matter. Lets go.” Was the reply.
    They walked across the dimly lit hallway. It made a sudden swerve, and then they started
    f
    a
    l
    l
    i
    n
    g
    down a steep slide. They screamed. Then, they dropped out to the bottom of the slide. They looked around.


    Chapter 3
    Dentists Office from Hell

    “Welcome!” a mechanical yet human voice said cheerfully.
    “AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!” They screamed. This was worse than they could imagine. The entire room was colored pink, filled with pictures of Darth Mall and Barbie vacationing together. Little blue flying things described previously were playing with Darth Mall, Barbie, and Ken dolls, as well as plastic telephones and ketchup packs. It was obvious what they were doing. They pretended that Darth Mall had chopped off Ken’s head and spewed the ketchup packs everywhere (blood) and used the plastic phones to try to hook Barbie up with Darth Mall. All along the place, bigger flying things (parents, probably) were saying “Good Girl” or “That’s the way to do it!” or “Come on, Barbie! Show some backbone!” or “I always cry at happy endings!” or “Yeah!!! Off with his head!!!”. You get the picture.
    Kristen cringed. “I almost regret when I said that there would be nothing worse than wearing a pink and purple tutu.”
    Martin, always the smart alec, replied, “Well, it just goes to show you, ‘Always keep your words short and sweet, because you’ll never know when you’ll have to eat them.’”
    Kristen pushed him into a group with three flying things. One noticed him. “Hey,” it said, “Do you want to play with us?”
    “Yeah!” said another. “He can be Ken!”
    “Great!” said the third. “I hate having to play Ken. He’s retarded. I mean, how many males do you usually come across that are willing to let you change his clothes? At least Barbie has some style.”
    Martin almost screeched in terror. “Don’t tell me I’m going to have to let you dress me,” he shakily said.
    “Nope!” replied the first. “We’ll just lop your head off!”
    “Ok!” said the third. “That makes me the director, you,” he pointed to the first, “Barbie, you,” he pointed to the second, “Darth Mall, and the overly hairy and ugly primate standing in the vicinity of my personal space bubble,” he pointed to Martin, “Ken. Ready guys (and girls)? Take it from the top! Ken must drop Barbie off after a date!”
    ‘Barbie’ ran/flew over to Martin. “How about a little kiss goodbye?” she said, puckering her lips. It was a truly mind blowing sensation. Now Barbies usually have:
    · A round, curved, soft face
    · Pretty eyes
    · Long hair
    · A big chest (ugh)
    · A skinny body
    · Perfect skin and skin coloring
    · Small feet
    · And soft, curved, attractive lips.
    This ‘Barbie’ had none of the above, much more like it was the complete opposite. She had:
    · A fat face
    · Eyes with so many winkles it’d take the rest of your life to count them all
    · Strands of oily hair here and there
    · A small, ugly chest
    · A pot-belly with the belly-button sticking wide out
    · Blue, winkled skin all over, except for the belly, which was an ugly beige
    · Ugly feet with toenails yellowed with foot rot
    · Lips and teeth so rotten that it smelled of tooth decay
    · A short, stumpy, unattractive tail
    · And wings that looked like they belonged buried in a bird’s casket.
    Martin almost died when he smelled her breath. “No wonder you need to go the dentist,” he muttered.
    “What’s that?” ‘Barbie’ asked, eyes wide.
    “Er,” he grimaced. “I have to leave you and I can’t give you a kiss. (?)”
    “Oh! That’s okay,” she batted her eyes at him, flicking off some grime in his direction. He turned green. “I’ll hug you then!”
    “NO!” Martin shrieked. Barbie smiled, revealing yellow/brown/no teeth in her mouth. “Er, I’ve got to go now, like, RIGHT NOW IT WAS A PLEASURE MEETING YOU GOODBYE,” Martin turned and ran.
    Meanwhile, Kristen was trying her best to get directions out of the place from a couple of dilapidated old flying thingies. “SO, HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF HERE?” she asked in a loud voice.
    “Wassa?” one asked, holding his earphone up to his ear.
    Kristen took the earphone and repeated, “SO, HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF HERE?”
    “I don’t know! Why are ye askin’ me if I don’t know?” grumbled the old thing. “Fool child,” it said as it moved away.
    Kristen sighed. This wasn’t the first time it happened. She turned around and saw Martin being chased by a little blue flying thing with a light saber, a REAL one, in its hands.
    “Come back here!” it cried. “This isn’t part of the script! Let me cut your head off!”
    “KRISTENNNNNNNNN!!!” Martin wailed. “HELP MEEEEEEEEEE!!!”
    Kristen hurried over and yanked the saber out of the flying thing’s hand.
    “Hey, no fair!” it cried. “That isn’t part of the script, either! You’re supposed to let me cut your head off! And you,” he said scowling, turning to Kristen. “You’re supposed to be cowering in the corner, while I cut his head off!”
    “Well, I don’t believe in scripts,” Kristen said. “I do, however, believe in chopping heads off. And if you don’t stop tormenting me and my friend, then so help me God, I will CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF!!!”
    “Well,” the little thing huffed, clearly put out, “that’s not fair! Mommy!!!”
    And with that, the little thing flew off.
    “Thanks Kris,” Martin said, shaking, “I would’ve been dead, if it weren’t for you.”
    “I know. Come on, let’s go somewhere else.”
    “Wait, Kris?” they stopped moving.
    “Yeah?”
    “Let’s find an exit first.”
    Kristen started shaking. “Uh, Mart? Well, I’ve got some very, very bad news for you.”
    “What? Nothing can be worse than little, flying, whatever’s chasing me around trying to cut my head off, right?”
    “No, it’s worse.” Kristen head Martin gulp. “Martin, I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think there IS a way out.”
    Martin’s jaw dropped like a sack of potatoes falling from the top floor of a hotel floor. “WHAT?!?” He shrieked. “THAT CAN’T BE POSSIBLE! I’VE BEEN FROM YOU ASKING ME IF I WORE GIRLS UNDERWEAR TO LITTLE FLYING THINGS TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT I LOOKED BETTER WITHOUT A HEAD!!! WE CAN’T STAY DOWN HERE FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES!!!”
    All of the sudden, as if God heard them, a door opened into a small room. Kristen and Martin sprinted to the room, and I swear, if they were doing the 100-meter dash, they would have ended up in first. They stopped just before they collided into a small, funny-looking man.
    “Oh!” he cried. “Well, I wasn’t expecting customers yet…”
    Martin’s jaw hit the deck. “YOU’RE the DENTIST?!?”
    “Well, yes!” he said, clearly upset.
    “Well, sorry, but you look so human…”
    And what Martin said was true. The man didn’t seem to have any non-human features. If anything, he truly fit into the austere category. The man had on a white lab coat, with glasses smaller than his pinky finger. His hair was gray and smoothed back with a shiny substance, making him look like a multi-millionaire.
    The man sighed. “Oh well,” he said, “well, since you’re here, time for a checkup.” He straightened. “Now, sit back and try to relax.”
    How could they relax, when tentacle-like things came shooting out of the walls to bind them into the dentist’s chairs? Whoa, whoa, whoa—CUT!!! TURN BACK TO MEANWHILE!!!

    ~Meanwhile~

    “NO NO NO!!!” THIS CAN’T BE RIGHT!” Sammy shrieked. “I KNOW PERFECTLY WELL WHAT I WRITE, AND I CERTAINLY DID NOT INCLUDE THIS IN ANY WRITING IN MINE!!! Just LOOK at this!!! A Mrs. Dunsley, a growling thing in the dark, and now this!!! Just LISTEN: ‘tentacle-like things came shooting out of the walls to bind them into the dentist’s chairs’, THAT’S NOT WHAT I WROTE!!! Someone is sabotaging my writings!!!” And with that, she angrily took a pencil and crossed off every word after that.
    “There,” she huffed. “That should be the end of that.”

    ~Back to the scene~

    The doctor finally managed to strap them down in the seats. “Now then,” he said, “Lets start with the procedure.”
    “What’re gonna do?” Martin asked nervously.
    “Well, first thing, I’m gonna extract your pretty teeth with my pliers so I can hang them on my necklace. Then, I’m going to salvage your organs and sell them to buyers to make some money. After that, I’ll go through your clothes and see what I like. I’ll sell the rest. Your skin’ll make nice coats.”
    “That’s barbaric!” gasped Kristen.
    “No more barbaric than any caveman trying to survive.” The man said. “Ever skin a mammoth?”
    “No,” said Kristen. And I don’t think I’ll ever try, she thought.
    “Well, enough chitchat,” he said. “Let’s get down to business!” He brought out a drill big enough to drill a hole through half of a bookshelf, and glared menacingly.
    Martin’s life started flashing in front of his eyes. You could see everything happening in his life. Like, look: there Martin is, standing by a dog in nothing but a swimsuit, with the dog frantically trying to pull it off. Or there: he’s standing in the middle of the road during rush hour looking at an incoming car. Stuff like that. But you would expect that. That’s Martin for you.
    Kristen, on the other hand, was wildly jerking around, trying to loosen herself of the restraining straps that held her down. She looked for something that might help her: a chair, a toothpick, a light saber in her belt loop—that’s it!!! The light saber she stole off of the annoying blue thing! She tried to grab for it—and missed. Her arms here tightly strapped down. Miraculously, the man didn’t understand that Kristen was groping for the light saber in her belt, but thought it was an attempt to free herself. He grinned, showing yellowed teeth. “You should visit a dentist yourself,” she muttered.
    “Now now child, don’t make it hard on yourself,” he said, referring to her action (STILL not seeing the saber in her belt, preeety darn stupid, if you ask me), “Just keep your hands down and lay off whatever you’re planning.”
    Kristen, completely misunderstanding the fact that the dentist, well, WHATEVER he was, didn’t know that she still had the saber. Not good, she thought. Since he knows I already have the saber…what’s he gonna do? At this point of time, I wanted to scream at her, “He doesn’t know!!! Take him while you have the chance!!!” But, I couldn’t. Well, I suppose I could. But what fun would that be?
    She groped for the light saber. It slid into her hand, just in time for that big drill to come pouncing down on her.
    ZZZHHHING! What happened right then, no one could explain. The light saber cut through the drill and saved their lives—but also sliced the dentist in half. Funny thing was, his blood was blue and tasted like chicken. “NEWWWWWW!” he cried. Then he keeled over and died. So much for a great battle scene.
    There Martin was, still visualizing his death. Kristen had to slap/punch him several times to wake him from his trance. “Huh?” he rubbed his eyes. “Oh, KRIS!!! I was so—oh, no,” he turned white. “Don’t tell me we’re dead! Are my teeth still here?” he felt along his mouth.
    Kristen groaned. That was Martin for you. She turned around and started cutting a hole in the wall with the light saber. The wall fell out, revealing the outside.
    Kristen shrieked with joy. Martin shrieked because that was Martin for you. They both raced out into the open light.

    Chapter 4
    The Final Battle

    They stopped before they crashed into Mrs. Dunsley. “Stop right there!” she cried. She was much taller than they remembered. “I couldn’t believe my ears when I heard you murdered my colleague!”
    “Colleague?” Kristen and Martin echoed. They turned back. There the man was, but something was peeling off of his face—face paint!!! Underneath, it revealed red and black stripes—it was Darth Maul!!!
    ”NO!! His name certainly was NOT Darth Maul!!!” cried Mrs. Dunsley. “It was Darth PAUL!!!”
    “Holy cheese on rye!” Kristen yelped. Kristen and Martin turned back to Mrs. Dunsley. Huh??? That wasn’t Mrs. Dunslely!!! That was Darth Vader!!! There was two of him now!!!
    “NOO!” he cried. “My name is NOT Darth Vader!!! The idiots who wrote that series copied it off of MY name!!! My real name is Darth TATER!!! They thought it was too LAME, so they changed the T’s into V’s!!!”
    Sammy raced into the picture. “Hey!!!” she shrieked. “I didn’t put that in there either!!!”
    Darth Va—er, Tater turned to Sammy. “Of course you didn’t, sweetheart,” he grinned, “I did!”
    “You!!!” Sammy screamed. “You’re the one who put yourself into my story!!!” Darth Tater nodded. “You’re the one who tried to kill off Kristen and Martin in the dark tunnel!!!” he nodded. “You’re the one who tried to restrain them in the chairs so your colleague could kill them!!!” he nodded. “Oh, well that clears it up. I’ll be sitting in the bleachers. Good luck!” Sammy turned and walked away.
    Kristen shouted “No fair!!!” Sammy winked at her. Kristen took up the light saber. Both Darth Tater’s took up two. Martin took up one.
    “Hey!!!” Martin gasped. “Where did I get this thing?” He turned it on. “It’s the color of my hair too!” They all looked at Sammy. Sammy winked at them and showed them a pad of paper and a pencil. Kristen smiled.
    “ATTACK!!!” Darth Tater screamed. Both lunged at Kristen and Martin. Kristen parried the attack of one and lunged for his stomach. Martin screamed, sounding peculiarly like a girl, turned, and ran. But you would expect that. That’s Martin for you.
    Darth Tater No. 1 (the one fighting Kristen) was delighted. He just found out that Kristen had no idea how to use a light saber, much less did she know how to block. Sammy grimaced. Then she smiled. She picked her pad of paper and started writing.
    “This ends now!!!” he yelled. He jumped up and practically flew down at Kristen. His blade pierced her side. Or so he thought. She rolled out of the way just at the time that the blade would have done her in. She raised her double-headed axe—that’s right, folks, an axe—and split him in half. “Ow, Mommy,” he cried. Then he had a few convulsions and died. Some evil guy (PAWNED!!! WHOO WHOO WHOO!!!).
    Meanwhile, Martin was running from Darth Tater No. 2 and practically crying. Tater had chased him into a dead-end alley. There was no escape. Not even a handy-dandy apartment ladder was in sight.
    Darth Tater grinned. “Say your prayers, coward!” he leered. Martin cringed.
    All of the sudden, he saw a pair of heart-shaped boxers sticking out of a nearby garbage can. He rushed for them and put them on his head. “Hiding, my little fish?” Tater walked up to him. Then he gasped. Martin, well, not really Martin now, stood up and growled. It was no other than Captain Underpants! He threw down his light saber and brought out a knife and a Barbie. “Give up, or I’ll hurt the girl!” he growled.
    Surprisingly, Darth Tater whimpered and dropped to his knees. Sucker. Captain Underpants laughed and bound Darth Tater up. Kristen came over just in time and dumped a bucket of sewage water over his head. The boxers fell off—and Martin wheezed and coughed up sewage water. He dropped the knife and the Barbie. Darth Tater crawled over to the Barbie and started moaning ‘Bernice’. “Jerk!” he yelled. “What did you do that for?!?” Then he spotted the Barbie on the floor. He immediately cheered up. “Oh, look! A Barbie!” he picked it up. Darth Tater cried. Martin popped its head off. Tater shrieked. “Ah, that makes it what now? 1475 Barbie heads popped off. Lets go home now.” He took Kristen’s hand and, magically, they teleported back to Kristen’s house.
    They looked at one another. “Really boring summer, isn’t it?” Martin asked her.
    “Really.” They collapsed on the couch.


    The End…of Episode 1: The Phantom Mentos

    Epilogue

    Darth Tater cried over Bernice the Barbie. Then he tried to free himself by groping for the knife to cut his bonds. Instead, he accidentally cut himself. “Crap,” he said. He dropped it on his hand. “Dammit!” he shrieked. His hand flailed and the knife flew off his hand—into his eye. “AAAUUUGGGGHHHH!” he screeched. But he didn’t die. He was given to a hospital, and healed. But the mental shock of seeing Bernice’s head pulled off and the humiliating victory (and defeat) over himself was too much—it made him crazy. They locked him up in a mental hospital and fed him oatmeal in a straw for the rest of his life.
    It didn’t go so well for Bernice. Red with rage, she called her Barbie friends over, and told them her sad tale of her and a big boy with bluish-grayish hair that had popped her head off. Then she died (a lot of dying going on here. People are too weak these days). They were first sad. Then they became furious. They plotted their revenge—but it was such a lovely day that they decided to hold their revenge off for another day, donned their two-pieces, and went to chill out at Barbie Café. What will become of them? To be seen in the next Kristen&Martin Episodes! Coming soon, to own. On DVD, R rated for some swearing and violence. Otherwise, watch out for next week’s Weekly Gags!!!
    Closed Captioning provided by Weekly Gag Foundations. © 2008 all rights reserved.