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i no longer have a child's innocence..
no longer believe that people are truely good..
that people have good in them..
even if they seem like a bad person..
i used to believe there must be some small ounce of goodness in them..
but now that thinking is gone..
no longer do i think this..
no longer do i believe this..
no longer do i have this innocence that a child has..
now im an adult..
yes im only a teenager but..
my life has spiraled out of control..
no longer do i have the life of a teenager..
now i must take care of my family..
now i must grow up..
grow up into an adult..
people i love are sick..
and there is no way i can help them..
so no longer do i believe good things will happen to good people..
because all i see is good people dying everyday..
so where is there good luck!!??
i have no answers to this..
i have nothing..
im tried of trying to be hopeful..
of being positive..
if a friend is down i'll be so positive to them..
and i actually mean it too..
but when it comes to my life..
im not positive not any more..
im just struggling..
struggling to find the good in things again..
to figure out how to live..
how to be an adult..
been independent..
but there are things a teenager needs..
needs an education..
i guess and now that wont happen to me..
i have quit college..
because life has become to stressful..
to many bills to pay for..
how can i pay for college on my own..
and now people are bugging me..
yelling at me to go back to college for you will be nothing in life without a college degree..
but i cant go to college not now!!..
my mind isnt focused on learning..
its focused on my family and surviving..
making sure she doesnt give up!!..
because if she gives up then she'll die!!
im 19..
but im not really..
all the death and grief..
has aged me..
the responsiblity has aged me..
must learn how to pay the bills..
how to take care of all the bills and stuff..
know where to go and what to drop off..
must get out of my shell and stop being shy..
must talk to people of authority..
must understand medical things..
financial things..
so many things..
*sighs*..
i have been thinking about what it was like when i was a child..
though had lost many love ones..
i still didnt need to know all this..
i think about when my sister was my age..
she didnt need to know these things..
didnt have to go through this..
she was a normal teenager..
went to parties..
hanged out with friends..
had a life outside of the family and this stress..
but my life is harder..
i dont get to have a childhood filled with joy..
its filled with pain and stress..
and all things bad..
whatever..
its how life is..
so why complain..
well just need to write my frustration out..
but i write in a way that doesnt give all the details away..
since i am a private person..
but just need a place to write things down sometimes..