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My ex found out I still had feelings for her yesterday. All she said was "I'm sorry" while I forced myself to hold back my tears. I understand that she's taken, and that she probably will be for quite a while, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that I missed whatever chance I might have had, it hurts to know that she loves somebody else, and it hurts the most to know that she's actually sorry about it.
I never wanted this hurt, I wanted to be happy, for her to be happy, and I guess I can make do with her just being happy for now.
I'm not sure if I'm able to take anymore of this by myself. I've noticed that I've been constantly searching for a purpose,for someone who makes me feel... wanted, for someone to shower with love and affection, for someone who cares for me as much as I care for them. I still think I can get this from... her.... and I'm not going to give up.
Y'see, it was having a girlfriend that made me decide to show my emotions most.... and I've.... never been able to hide them that well since. I've been unable to.... keep things that I feel to myself... I feel I have to let someone know.... I don't know why. I've longed for someone to.....care for, someone to show my emotions to, who won't think any different of me because of it, or won't consider me.... creepy, like most girls I know do, even if they don't let on that they think I'm creepy, it's not hard to find out...
Being in love (that is, loving someone and having that person feel the same about me.... I've been a victim of unrequited love too many times) was one of the greatest things I have ever experienced, and I've longed to go through that again. That's led me to many, many failed attempts to having a girlfriend, and that happening has lowered my esteem greatly to the point where I can't stand seeing so many happy couples, because it's been the only thing I've wanted for so long... to be part of a couple again, and I've been unable to get it, and I still am.