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~*Shutter Island

If you like movies that make you think and maybe laugh a little go watch Shutter Island. I'm not saying this because of Leonardo Dicaprio ; god what an amazing name, No! Leo isn't very good looking anymore.
I would give you details - but to be honest i wasn't even paying much attention to the movie. Well, I was, but my mind was not focused on it exactly. So I was awfully confused until like the end.
I watched it with Tanner. So let's skim this through because i'm tired and i just received like 3 text messages all at once!
Morning: Got to bed around 2am. So this is counting as morning. Gunnar (those who don't know him he's my moms BFF) passed out on the couch while my mom and I watched stepfather. I left, exhausted. Passed out and woke up around 5am because my dog and cats were being annoying. Went back to sleep and woke up at 11am. I picked out nice clothes, hoping to look good ; took an extremely long shower. Straightened my hair, to the point where it wasn't noticable, but decent.

I already planned things out in my head. I would have to go through this night, this movie, in the dark next to Tanner. My confidence was 90% there – I will be chill. Ahha, already writing this down, I’m feeling very unchill.
Tanner walked out of NCHS from his sisters banquet. This blurry, tall-stick figure walked towards the car. My mom said, ’Aw, look, Tanner looks so handsome!’ Not gonna like, he defiantly looked good. I mean good like he also put an effort. If I had the chance, I probably would’ve smashed my face into the window and get a nose bleed. That’s how wonderfully handsome he looked like.

When Tanner and I departed to another seat, away from my mom and her BFF, we sat. I just immediately opened the starbursts candy, I didn’t exactly know what to do with my hands. Not really sure how to talk. Everything I planned in my head just kind of been thrown away at the exact moment. Confidence now dropping to 75%, percent was dropping each time. Never been alone next to a male before during a movie. Except for Erik and Nick – but they’re totally different, they’re ‘friendly.’
I didn’t put down the arm rest between us because I wanted to hold his hand during the movie and I was hoping he read that. Once the movie started Tanner immediately grabbed me and I was so close to him I was suddenly in the happiest state that I was literally drunk. I’ve never been held in such a manner, and I enjoyed it. It was nice to be held so lovingly without having someone trying to grope you sexually. This type of innocence gave me the taste of what a normal relationship feel like.
Even if this wasn’t a relationship at all, I grabbed his hands, his arms, my head touching his temple – I let it all sink in absorbing as much as I can remember. For nothing could top this. For I have forgotten any grievances I had. I wanted to kiss tanners cheek more – I wanted to go farther, but my glasses restricted my movement. When he turned his face, his nose at my temple, his lips so lightly at my right cheek. My heart rushed. My heart was beating at the same speed as his. I shouldn’t even be nervous, my heart was nervous, but my body was calm. His heart rate bothered the hell out of me – his state felt like he was being chased by a shark. For it only made my heart race with his and my insides felt uncomfortable. But twisted in that way, I didn’t want to depart from his grasp.

I would sigh occasionally to slow down my heart rate. Remembering what Wei wei told me when I couldn’t breathe.
’Take one long breath, and let it out slowly.’ is what he said. I’ve been doing it ever since. Ever since it’s been working, except for that occasion.
I would adjust, so that his heart wouldn’t exactly be at my back – but I couldn’t help it. If I moved, there would be space. I didn’t want that.
I was a bit self-conscious. This old lady next to me glared at me. There wasn’t anything scandalous about this public display of affection? Tanner was obviously smelling my hair. Even though he said it smelled nice, I apologized. I don’t know why, I just did. He thought I didn’t hear him correctly so he said it again – so I played stupid and said oh.
The movie was apparently supposed to be scary, but Tanner and I both laughed lightly. Occasionally he would shake me abruptly hoping to get a scare out of me. For that would only make him squeeze me tighter and that made my mind blur even more.
Finally towards the end, we just held hands. Later I hugged his arm – unlike Kenny’s, Kenny’s arms were thicker and shorter. Usually holding hands or hugging his arm was not a challenge but with Tanner’s it was. Tanner’s arms were long, and skinny. Holding his hand and now hugging his arm. But I liked it, every part of Tanner I loved. I can accept just how tall and skinny he was – I didn’t really at all mind. He was perfect, just everything was. I observed him closely at 7th grade, till now. His baby-face almost sculpting to a man’s; Height continuously growing like a willow tree. His hands were big and firm – it reminded me of those hand sculptures that I would usually see in Ms. Wilsons class. His lips were thin but perfectly aligned that they slightly pouted. For he was walking art and I envied him.
The movie then ended and when he let me go, I immediately got up.
My body was achey.
My heart was at ease.

If my mom and Gunnar were not in the car to see Tanner leave, instead of getting a pat on the knee I would want to hold tanner so close me, that he too, could feel my heart beat.
He’s always been there for me and I’m so grateful to have him this close.

My heart is currently racing while typing this.