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~*My feelings decreasing. Moment of truth.
I'm feeling it. I don't like this feeling eitheir. I really don't want this feeling ever to come up again. But my feelings for him is shrinking. Maybe i'm being impatient, and can't really hold up much longer. It's summer, i can hold up till school and if nothing were to happen during school, nothing speacial. I'm quitting.
8th grade, my last year at CCA, then i'll be going to highschool. Away from him. He's not convincing me enough. When i say no. He tells me to shut up. I'm basically. . . well i don't know. Troubled? It's stupid for me to act in such a selfish manner, but still! If he was liking me for a while, why didn't he break up with Kayli a while ago? He likes me, yet he avoided me because he didn't want to upset Kayli. But he didn't like her, and knew that they were somehow going to break up!
Idiot. He is truly an idiot. I hate him. I love him. I disgust this. I truly do. I want it to stop. Maybe it's ok to be friends. . . yet i'm acting a bit to fast to even be discussing this. I just want to cry it all out. Tell me. Don't wait for the girl to tell you she liked you every single time. It's foolish for a girl to confess, when she makes it completely obvious, even if you did like her.
I want to kick and scream. I want to hide my face in my pillow. Melt away and enter his thoughts. Stupid. So stupid. I'm frustrated, i'm tired. I haven't been thinking about him at all. Only when i stare at a picture of him, year book. He looks happy, hanging around Kenny. . . Taylor.
No boy has made me happy. Not many made me ever feel speacial. If they did something good to me, that would be the rarest moment of them all. I have not been comforted by a single boy at all. Tanner has his moments, but they last only for the littlest time. I make him sound like a God. The only boy that made me feel truly speacial, comforted me. Was David Park. I've told myself he's only a friend.
'So your dad. . .?'
He's my step father, my biological father left us.
'Your kidding right?
I'm not. He said i was a mistake. That makes me feel sad. I caused alot of problems.
'Shut up Arriya. Don't say that, you make me cry.'
I'm sorry. . . I won't say it again, David.
Nicest guy i've meet yet, he never gets angry with me. His life is so fun, no drama in it. He is so care free. We share so many interests. Are favorite animal is pigs. We adore pigs. We go crazy over pigs. I teach him Thai.
He is so close. A close friend. First boy i liked he when i came to CCA.
Him getting a girlfriend was just a slap across the face. I was so happy for him. A bit sad for me. We're ment to be friends, right? He asked if i liked Tanner more than him, and i replied no.
I was only partially true. I liked David for his kindness.
I liked Tanner. . . well. . . I really don't know anymore.
He's so different now. David stayed the same. Tanner just goes crowd-to-crowd. Girl-to-Girl. If i was ever with him. i don't think i would last long. No girl has. He's been out with so many. I find it so stupid. I find it stupid how common i am with other girls. I've been trying to deny it. . . but now i'm learning to accept it. I haven't been honest with myself lately. My chest hurts. I can't breath normal right now. I'm calling a close friend. David. If you can hear me, help me. Make me smile, laugh, whatever. You do that so easily. Even if your not trying to be funny.
Looks wasn't what i looked in a guy. It was how he made me feel, his personality, and how he treats others. How he treats himself, and learns to accept himself.
Tanner made me feel angry, and stupid. Those emotions some how turned to like. I'm not sure how that turned out to be, but his personality caught my eye. He treats himself like any normal guy, but doesn't really accept himself. He's just there.
David makes me happy, and of course smart, when it comes to reading. He makes me care free, i don't need to worry about my actions around him. I can do whatever i want. He accepts himself,and others around him. You can hate him, but he'll love you back.
Isn't this a dramatic change. . .?
If your mad at me, i'm ok with that. But i'm just not honest with myself lately, and really, i don't like that. Maybe if i just be honest, that feeling in my stomach might leave. It's not Tanner, its me. [[That was an original break up line]].
I'm better off alone. I'm young. I'm cocky. I don't know any better. I personally have changed. But, i'm still just a kid.
 NinteyDegrees_South · Sun Jul 20, 2008 @ 02:09am · 0 Comments |
