• LAST WEEKEND
    “Ooh ooh ooh, yeah!!!”





    This is a story. A story that took fiction, put it in a strangle hold, and insulted its very definition. By that, I mean this story turned fantasy to farce.
    Hopefully, you will find this story wonderfully abundant in comedy.



    Last weekend, I waited for the school bus outside for three hours. Shut up. I’m not retarded, I’m chemically imbalanced. Realizing my mistake, I got on the next bus to the mall. I sat next to a duck. A talking duck. This ‘talking duck’ asked me the question, “Do you like pinky puffs?” “I LOVE pinky puffs!!!” was my reply. Everybody stopped what they were doing to give me a deathly stare.
    A couple of gangsters got up from their seats and proceeded to beat the stuffing out of me. They decimated my legs. Despite this horrible detriment, I still managed to walk off the pain. The guys in white coats found me walking with no legs, and kidnapped me to take to the hospital. Once in the hospital, the pain actually got to me, and I punched the first person within reach. This person happened to be my doctor, and I was kicked out immediately. Kicked out the window that is.
    I was caught by the white coats again, and they took me to another hospital. Here I received treatment, and my legs got better. When I was allowed visitors, some chick with flowers came to my bedside, and said she was my long lost sister. My precept on these kinds of situations is to pitch them out the window. Last time I checked, long lost meant she ran away. Now I’m supposed to accept her? Ok, that’s probably the right thing to do, but I wanted to throw someone out the window, and the squirrel wasn’t satisfying. Stupid flying squirrels. As soon as I was well, they kicked me out. Stupid Bahamian doctors.
    Whelp, time to get something to eat. Problem: Every line is too long. But I am veeeery hungry. I wonder what the vegan diet is like… Mass deforestations occur moments after this statement. Where am I now? Stockaded on the Abbotsford prairie. Those determined little white coats… After solitary confinement for exactly 7 minutes, I began to loose all sense of humanity. I had to find some way of creating exploitation for my environment. The first thing that came to mind was pickin’ up a couple of powerful, destructive lookin’ twigs and launching an assault on the United States, but only an idiot would mess with America, no matter how nice and strong his sticks are (That’s right, I’m calling Iraq stupid. What’re they gonna do about it, huh? INFIDEL INFIDEL ALLALALALAH!!!!) . So, I settled for sneaking out through the enclosure I had found around 3 minutes earlier.
    At night, I waited for the white coats to fall asleep. They never did. Caffeine addicts… Sooooo, I called up Godzilla and smashed all of them. Minutes after summoning this giant lizard, Superman and his outer-thong came. Seriously, he’s already wearing tights. What’s he going to put on a thong for? Godzilla was engaged in a legendary battle *yawn*, so I just jumped off and went to a bar to pretend to drink. Sadly, it had exploded. There was a sign floating in mid-air reading:

    I’m sorry for the inconvenience, but the entire A- team walked in here at once, and every one knows that that level of awesomeness cannot be contained without a major explosion occurring.
    -Larry the Cable Guy


    My hopes for entertainment were declining greatly, and I was at a loss. {Godzilla knocks Superman into a building, causing several explosions} Like I said. Nothing to watch whatsoever. Saturday passed, and Sunday came. In the afternoon, who should come to my house but Sammy Sousa himself. I kicked him out, because he just wanted more steroids. I’ll admit, I also tried the barrel full of monkeys thing, but they just died like the 200 I had bought a few weeks ago. Finally, a tiny speck of entertainment came from severely scolding a snail for minding its own business.