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Do you know the saying Hell hath no Fury? well were refering to the Netherworld. On that day Luna, a Regular human and Kuro , The Demon Prince had been awarded a baby girl. Her name was Princess Yukai. She had Purple eyes that looked like lavender and her Silver hair looked like the shining moon at night. On that fatal day, Prince Kuro Died in battle and Luna died giving birth to baby Princess Yukai so a special messenger carried the child to the world formaly known as The Human world, looking for a loving couple to take care of her. Finally her long search was over. She Floated down to them and gave them Yukai. She told them she was to be returned when she was 15 years old. She then fled and the couple ignored the instructions then ran quickly and quietly inside there little home with dim lights.
~ 15 Years Later~
I awoke to the sound of "Suna no Oshiro" Blaring inside of my left ear from my charcoal black radio. I smashed the snooze button and jumped out of under my covers onto the cold floor streching while trying to pull up my light purple gown. "Mourning already?" I said reaching for my Silver rimed glasses and puting them on. The door slightly opened and someone screamed "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!" I turned alarmed at the screaming to see my Mother, Father, and Brother Walking in with a small white cake and candles on top the said Happy Birthday Yukai! heart I Smiled and laughed alittle Running my finger across the cake smiring Happy and licking the icing off my finger. "Thanx. Wow thats good" "It should be I made it" My Mother said Smiling and giving me her present then my Fathers and My Brothers.
- by missingsoul3 |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 01/10/2010 |
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- Title: Fatal Hearts Part 1
- Artist: missingsoul3
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Description:
Can you tell me how this is? Its for a Writing contest to turn it into a Manga
Pwease RATE and COMMENT! :cute: - Date: 01/10/2010
- Tags: fatal hearts part
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Comments (2 Comments)
- The Angel Dystopia - 02/22/2010
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Its a good story but you need to add detail and drama. Think of your favorite books. What made you want to keep reading? Did the words dance arcoss your mind? Did the rythm of the speaker seem like poetry? This isn't jsut words it can be real if you really want it to.If you could may you read mine (Broken) not to sound pushy.
Good luck biggrin - Report As Spam
- Len Gray - 01/17/2010
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Hm, the storyline is a little overdone, but it will depend on what you do with it. Also, spell-check will help a bit. Another thing to work on, is pacing and imagery. Technically the beginning part should have been much longer. Also, it should have been written in the same way the story is. Imagery is simply showing vs. telling. Making offhanded remarks that make the reader know, without force-feeding it to them.
Well, good luck! - Report As Spam