• (A Twilight Parody written for the screen)

    (blackness)
    Bella-(thinking) I'd never given much thought to how I would die.
    Scene: Wooded forest
    (A cute little deer drinks from a small pond all alone. Everything is very peaceful.)
    Bella-(thinking) But dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.
    (The deer hears something and looks around. It gets startled and starts to run away. The mysterious thing that spooked it starts to chase after it. It gets real close to getting the deer, but runs into a tree at the last second and falls to the ground.)
    Edward: s**t!
    (Edward quickly gets up and brushes himself off. He looks around him to make sure no one saw him. Edward starts walking away.)
    Edward: (Mumbling) I almost had it this time.

    Scene: Sunny Arizona
    Bella: (thinking) So I can't bring myslef to regret the decision to leave home.
    (Bella is holding a small potted cactus in one hand, a small shovel in the other with her eyes closed.)
    Bella: (thinking) I would miss Phoenix.
    (Bella opens her eyes and starts to walk. When she does she slips and falls into a large cactus as the camera keeps moving.)
    Bella: What the...who put a cactus there?! I hate Phoenix!

    Scene: Near the airport in Phoenix
    (A small plane takes off from the runway. Not to long into flight and it crashes into the mountains. Bella and Renee flinch. Phil just chuckles at the sight of flames shooting up from the plane.)
    Bella: Well I'm glad that wasn't my plane.
    Phil: Actually...it was. You made us late...again...for the tenth time.
    (Bella looks at Phil in panic. Renee slaps Phil's arm, but he keeps chuckling.)

    Scene-Police cruiser in the state of Washington
    Bella: (thinking) In the state of Washington, under a near constant cover of clouds and rain, there's a small town named Forks.
    (Charlie drives the cruiser, starring out the wind shield. Bella sits in the passanger seat, covered in Band-Aids from falling into a nother cactus.)
    Bella: (thinking) Population, 3,120 people. Minus the seven vampires, though they don't actually live in town. This is where I'm moving.
    (The cruiser enters Forks. Evreything is wet, though the sky is sunny.)
    Bella: (thinking) My dad's Charlie. He's the cheif of police and a spy for KGB.
    (The crusier stops at a stop sign. A log truck passes them. The cruiser then starts to go on , hitting a pedestrian.)
    Charlie: (checking his mirrors) What the hell was that?
    Bella: Another ten points, dad.

    Scene: Outside of Charlie's hous
    (Bella and Charlie gets out of the crusier. Bella looks at the house for while Charlie goes to the trunk.)
    Bella: (thinking) I used to spend two weeks here almost every some. It's been years.
    (Charlie grunts as he pulls out Bella's bags. She doesn't even help him.)
    Scene: Inside of Charlie's house
    (Bella and Charlie heads up stairs. Charlie is still packed down like a pack mule.)
    Charlie: (in pain) I've cleared some shelves off in the bathroom.
    Bella: (under her breath) Can't you just get a house with two bathrooms already, old man?
    Charlie: (still in pain) Excuse me?
    Bella: (nervously) What?
    (Bella heads into her room with Charlie on her heels.)
    Bella: (thinking) Oops. That was close.
    (Charlie drops Bella's bags in the cornor of the room. Bella looks around the small room that seems to get bigger later on.)
    Charlie: It's a pretty good work lamp.
    Bella: Right, and how much work do you expect me to do?
    Charlie: Umm...The sales lady picked out the bed stuff. You like purple, right?
    Bella: Purple's cool. Thanks. (thinking) I freakin hate purple.
    (They just stand around, all akward like for a few seconds.)
    Charlie: Okay.
    (Charlie heads for the door.)
    Bella: (thinking) One of the best things about Charlie, he doesn't hover.
    (Charlie suddenly stops and turns around.)
    Charlie: Are you sure you like the bed stuff?
    Bella: You're not suppose to hover, b***h!
    (Bella jumps across the room and tackles Charlie to the ground. Charlie even screams.)

    Scene: Outside of Charlie's house
    (A horn honks infront of Charlie's house. Bella looks out the window and sees a red, crappy truck parked in the drive way, along with Billy, Jacob, and Charlie. Bella goes to find out what's going on. When Bella gets outside the guys are laughing about something.)
    Bella: What's so funny?
    Charlie: Oh, you know, just guy stuff.
    Bella: (thinking) Sexist.
    Charlie: You remember Billy, right?
    Bella: Yeah, you're looking good.
    Billy: Still dancing.
    Bella: Really? How? I mean you're in a wheelchair, it makes no...
    Jacob: (interupting) I'm Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
    Bella: No we didn't
    (Jacob looks a little confused.)
    Charlie: Bells, why don't you go get us a beer?
    Bella: Get your own freakin beer!
    (Bella turns and starts to storm off toward the house.)
    Charlie: I guess you don't want your homecoming present.
    (Bella stops in her tracks and turns back around.)
    Bella: (Pointing at the crappy truck.) This?
    Charlie: I just bought it off Billy here.
    (Jacob stands a little too close to the driver's door. Bella walks back over to the truck with fury.)
    Bella: I. Wanted. A. Shiny car!
    (Bella turns back around and swings the driver's door open, hitting Jacob. Jacob falls down as Bella goes back inside the house.)
    Charlie: I guess she didn't see that the rims are shiny.
    Billy: Girls...