• Disclamer: Edward Cullen, bella, jakob, renesme and sum of de oter characters belong to da genus that is STEPHANIE MEYER!!!!!!!! unfortunatley. Ea is ares.
    Too bad you can't spell the genus' name.

    A/N: I’m written this wit my BFF, amethyst, who doesn’t have here own internet, so she dosen’t have an account hear. shes my beta (and I’m her alfa0 thanx babe, coudnt of done it with’out U.) We trade off writing evry other pare graph.
    I kinda figured you hadn't written it on your own.

    Chapter 1: Fish outta Water
    Oh noes the fishy can't breathe :[.

    Hi, Im Ea Enki Eeloway, but evry1 calls me Ea. I moved to forks Washington last year cuz I visited once 17 years ago and loved it, so I came back.
    Mkay. Nothing really failish yet.

    I have long blond hair and broud shoulders. I’v got totally awesum pecks & abs ‘cuz I work out evry day.
    Ah. There's the fail I've been looking for. She's describing herself as awesome. BEEP BEEP MARY-SUE ALERT MARY-SUE ALERT!

    My eyes are different collored, one green like the see before a storm, the other grey like the see after the storm,
    I kinda thought the sea was blue, but that's just me.

    my lashes R long and thic like seaweed tossed up on the bank. (Forshadowment)
    .....Ew.

    I have deep-dark secret that I never told any1 b4. I’m in luv with another man's wife. Her name is Bella which means beauty, her looks hve got no parallel (gettit? its from a song).
    Oh God. Another Twila.

    Everytime I sea her, my stomac flutters, but my heart aches. She’s like candy that I can not have.
    "Candy that I can't have" is not a very good way to describe an aching love. It sounds too.....lusty.

    My exgirlfriend, Victoria, dumped me cuz she got jelous. She’s so mena. She’s still all hung up over sum stupid james guy, anyway.
    She's Mena? But you just said her name was Victoria.

    I want to run up her, tell her how I feel, promise that I’d be a better dad for her daughter than that overbearning shovenistic (sp? coludn’t find in dictionary) hubby of hers.
    It's spelled "chauvinistic."

    Oh, ya! Shes got a daughter. Her names Renesmee and she’s cute. Gosh, moms are so hot!
    Oh, how wonderful. A guy with a mom fetish.

    I became a swim instructer to teach Renesme to swim so I coud have an excuse to talk to Bella. I come from a long line of good swimmers (wink).
    Why are you winking at me? :[.

    Today, I get to tak to Bella again, because Renesme is failing the class. She just bobs on the water like a dead deceased corpse, but never gose under. Just lick a vampire that can’t cross moving water.
    But I don't wanna lick a vampire that can't cross moving water.

    She can do alright alone, but when he others are in the water splashing, she just flotes.
    I couldn't help but laugh at that. It reminds me of an upside down rubber duck.

    I went to my office nest to the pool. Bella had agreed to meet me in my office but wen I opined the door it was not she but her husband that stood infront of the my desk.
    The perv just got owned.

    “Hello.” He said as he turend wen I entered.
    Turend?

    My hearot sank. What was her evil overbearing shovanistic huzband doing cuming to a parent teacher conference? Jackasses don’t care about their children. He must already suspect me!
    1. It's chauvinistic. 2. That's what she said. 3. The character sounds like a total idiot by assuming he knows weather Bella's husband care about his daughter or not.

    “You must be Coach Eeloway.” He smiled scathinly.
    I put on my best fake smile an said, “Yes, tha’ts me. I need to talk to your-“ I almsot said your wife, but cought myself in time “- face about Renesme.”
    I want to talk to your face. Face, your bodies' daughter is not good at swimming.

    Edward pawned and looked at me funnly, “That’s why I’m here, isn’t it?”
    Pawned? Lols.

    “Oh, yar.
    Yar! I be a pirate mateys.

    Um… your daghter dosent’ swim. She just flotes and looks like a dead body. She’s okey when she alone in the pool, though her form cold improve. But whenever the other studens are in the watter, she cant do anything.”
    I could barely understand the second sentence. Oh, wait, she was trying to spell could.

    “I don’t appreciate you comparing my daughter to a dead body,” he said colly while foldin his arms and planting his feat firmly. He had a pint, but she looked like a corpes.
    But if she's a baby vampire, wouldn't she be a dead body?

    “I’m sorry,” I said, mustarding all the faek remoarse I coud.
    Shhh. I'm mustarding my remorse faekly.

    “At this rate, shell fail the clas and wont get teh PE credit she nees to graduate on tiem. I know he can do it. I think she’s jus sheye. Maybe if her mother broght her over to the pool after haurs, she could improv eenough to swim for the finel exam.”
    You don't need to pass swimming classes, you just show up, get in the water, and go home.

    “You give exams for swimming?”
    “We need to have final grade for every PE class. I need give a final or I get fired.”
    Well, that's stupid.

    “Okay. I’ll see about getting her here. I don’t want my wife and daughter out so late alone, but I can take her.”
    There goes Edward, being the overprotective guy he is.

    Dam!
    The beavers are in the pool again.

    He must bee onta me! Wel, I have more triks up my sleave.
    Tricks up his sleeve? What for?

    A/N: Hou is it? Is it good? Let me know how we’r doing
    *Simon voice.* That was absolutely horrible.