• There was a time when I believed that nothing would ever faze me. She held me as I cried, and I felt bad for breaking down like that, right there for everybody to see. I was amazed at myself that I was able to pull my self together so quickly.

    'I love you, but that’s why I can’t be with you.'

    'I know.' Was all I could say as my reply, and tears slipped down my face and I curled around my pillow understanding the logic but thinking how unfair it was that he couldn’t be with me just because he loved me. I wanted to be with him.

    Another mistake I guess… Falling in love with a womanizer.

    But then again all my mistakes seem to be the same.

    Spent most of last night,
    Dragging this lake,
    For the corpses of all my past mistakes.
    Sell me out, the joke's on you.
    We are salt and you are the wound.


    'Please don’t cry… or be mad.'

    I sighed thinking: How can I not cry?! I closed my eyes and rubbed the tears away. No more crying! I WON’T CRY ANYMORE!!

    Empty another bottle,
    And let me tear you to pieces.
    This is me wishing you into the worst situations.
    I'm the kind of kid that can't let anything go,
    But you wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and slit your throat.

    'I’m not mad, just upset so I can’t say that I won’t cry. Just be happy.'

    I get no reply right away from that. I closed my eyes, I was so tired, but I don’t think I could have fallen asleep if I wanted to. I feel myself drift off. I have another dream about him.

    I rolled over on my stomach and stretched when I woke up. I look at my phone. I had a text from him.

    'I can’t be happy knowing your not. I’m sorry. I want to be with you…'

    I blinked… 'What the hell does that mean?'

    Your remorse hasn't fallen on deaf ears,
    Rather ones that just don't care.
    'Cause I know,
    That you're in between arms somewhere.
    Next to heartbeats where you shouldn't be asleep.
    Now I'll teach you a lesson for keeping secrets from me.

    I’m confused, sad, and angry; and he’ll never know, or know why.

    Take your taste back,
    Peel back your skin,
    And try to forget how it feels inside.
    You should try saying no once in a while.
    Oh, once in a while.

    It took almost all day to get a reply. I’m sad to say I basically stalked my phone. It was late afternoon and I was dozing when my phone beeped. Disoriented, it took a few minutes to figure out that it was my phone.

    'I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you, but I just can’t be with you. I’m not really going out with her.'

    In my half asleep state my reply is: 'Its because I’m white, isn’t it?' In the back of my mind I think: DIE STUPID WOMENIZER!

    And did you hear the news?
    I could dissect you and gut you on this stage.
    Not as eloquent as I may have imagined,
    But it will get the job done.
    You're done.
    The reply comes instantly. What? No! It has nothing to do with that. What made you think it did?

    At first I’m confused so I had to go back and look at my last text to him. 'It’s okay because I knew we’d never be together. I just didn’t want to believe it because I actually liked you and you were the opposite of the boys I usually go for. Oh well.'

    Every line is plotted and designed,
    To leave you standing on your bedroom window's ledge.
    And everyone else that it hits,
    That it gets to,
    Is nothing more than collateral damage.

    'Why do you say that?'

    How could I tell him that I knew who I was meant to be with and It wasn’t him. I couldn’t. 'Because it was obvious… You refuse to fall in love because you don’t want to be hurt. When people get to close you push them away. I’m the perfect example.'

    I got up leaving my phone on my bed and go down stairs to watch TV. I need to turn my brain to mush to stop from crying again.

    'My heart is the worst kind of weapon. You used it against me and it broke'.