• CHAPTER 53 - TRYING TO FORGET

    You try, but you keep going back. You try to forget but it's either something reminds you or you cave in. You're trying to let go, but you're breaking apart in the process.

    I didn't know where the pain was coming from or what the pain was anymore. I was confused as to what was hurting the most, my body or my heart. I was torn in two from the inside after losing everything. My last hope to be reunited with Kai was gone. There was no more hope for me anymore, he'll just live on and forget about me. He's brushed me off of his shoulders like dust and went so far as to take Takeuchi out of the hospital. He was glued to my shoulders. He was glued to my mind. He was glued to my heart as well. I still knew it wasn't his desire to fufill what he did, so why does it hurt so much? He did this for my well-being, so why so much pain?

    "Arisa," I made out Akatsuki's whisper, "Arisa, you need to wake up."

    I protested by groaning and turning my head away from him. I had no desire to wake up; I wanted the world to swallow me whole. I didn't want to wake up and witness Akatsuki's angered face. He'd be so pissed with me for running to the hospital while I was sick to actually think Takeuchi was still here. And instead of me visiting the patient, I became the patient.

    "Arisa," Akatsuki whispered again, becoming irritated and lightly shaking my shoulder, "Arisa, your food is here. Wake up."

    Wait, when did he get here? How long have I been here? How did they contact him if I was asleep this whole time? How does the world work now??

    I groaned again, this time, from trying to wake up. I peeked my eye open and ended up looking up at Akatsuki who looked more concerned than irritated, "I'm not hungry," I protested.

    "You need to eat, Arisa," he sighed, "If you eat more, then you can go back home."

    Home? What "home"? I'm only staying at Akatsuki's apartment because I don't have a home. He's considering that place my home? But I assume it's the closest thing I can get to a home now, seeing as the orphanage is far from one.

    I forced myself to sit up, surprised that there actually wasn't an IV dug into my arm like it was before. I rubbed my eyes to make out the other images throughout the hospital room. The last time I was a patient here, I was also being treated for the flu and I had almost been turned into a Werewolf. That was almost two months ago...

    "Here," Akatsuki interrupted my thoughts, pulling the mobile tray over so it was hovering above my lap with hot food on it, "You need the energy."

    "Thanks," I managed to mumble.

    I ate my food slowly, gagging down every morsel because they all tasted like s**t due to my flu. Akatsuki and I sat in silence, neither of us bothering to turn on the television. I guessed we were both people who liked the silence. When I was less than halfway done with my food, I pushed the tray away and Akatsuki moved the tray without hesitation or protesting. I rose the back of my hospital bed a little bit so I could halfway sit up straight.

    "The Werewolf was removed from the hospital because he was well enough," Akatsuki mumbled.

    "Takeuchi?" that was my only assumption as to who Akatsuki was talking about, "How well?"

    Akatsuki sighed and folded his hands together, "He was up and walking,"

    I looked down at my feet and played with my hair, thinking back as to how fast he ended up recovering. The last time I came to visit him--about two and a half weeks ago--he had just opened his eyes. And now he's walking already. I wanted to be there when he'd finally be able to climb out of the bed on his own. I wanted to see him embrace Miku for once in the longest time. A silent tear cascaded down my cheek and Akatsuki was generous enough to lean over and wipe it off with a slender finger.

    "I'm sorry," he apologized, "but you have to know now that you can't be assossiated with them anymore. You have to let go, Arisa."

    I shook my head, "I don't want to let go, I don't want to forget,"

    "Arisa," Akatsuki touched my shoulder, "If you don't learn to let go, then you'll be stuck in this hospital forever."

    "I can't," I choked, "I can't get over them all. I can't get over Kai; I still love him so much." it sounded cheesy saying that, but it's how I felt.

    "It's just like what Aya told me," he sighed, "'You can always remember me, just don't dwell on me'."

    I sighed, "That's all I've been doing is dwelling,"

    "And look at where you are now," he pointed out, "I'm not trying to force them out of your life. You can always remember them, Arisa."

    He was right, although I hated more than anything to admit it. I had never imaged how hard a breakup would be if you're so close to that other person, "But how do I stop dwelling?"

    "Time," he whispered, "Everything takes time." he swept away some of my hair.

    "It's been two weeks," I complained, more tears building up, "It's been two weeks since he left me and I still feel as though it took place yesterday."

    "That's how I feel about Aya's death," he whispered again, although I didn't know if he intended for me to hear it or not, "It still feels like it just happened."

    It's true. Aya's death does feel like it just happened, and it hit him as hard as it hit me. Only he was able to overcome it so much easier than I was. He learned to remember, rather than dwell. And it's because of that, that he got where he is now, that he's actually alive.

    "However," he added, "if you want a momentum, then hold your hands out."

    A momentum? What does he mean? I held my hands out and cupped them together, waiting for him to drop whatever he wanted into my hands. He dug into his pocket in his coat and dug for something deep down. He finally pulled out what he was looking for and when he showed it to me, my body nearly shut down; the ring.

    "Here," he handed it over to me cautiously, "He was in the apartment the other night. He left this along with your pills."

    The ring? My engagement ring? So he was there. I knew he was. It was his hand that touched my cheek, his hand. I thought I was going crazy, thinking I was possibly hallucinating about Kai, but I wasn't. If only I had fully awaken that night, I'd have grasped him and never let go. I wouldn't care if Akatsuki was angry or not.

    "Oh," was all I said. I extended my hand and Akatsuiki generously--but hesitantly--dropped the ring onto my palm and I closed my hand, "Thank you."

    I held the hand with the ring up to my chest and let a few more tears escape. Akatsuki was right, though; I can't dwell any longer. It's not healthy for me. I really would end up living in the hospital until I learn. My grasp on the memories of Kai and I was going to have to let loose a little and just lock those memories up. Akatsuki has had worse concerning a lover; Aya died. Kai isn't dead, and we weren't necessarily lovers, so why was I abusing my suffering so much?

    "I'm not saying you have to release everything all at once," he almost read my mind, "Like I said, it takes time. It took me weeks to get over Aya's death, but I didn't have anybody to console me. And right now, you've got me and I want to help you...if you allow me to."

    I only nodded, too choked up to speak again. My thoughts were interrupted as something started building up in my throat and I covered my mouth in time and signaled Akatsuki to get me a trash can. He quickly received one and held it up for me as I got sick and hunched over it. The food I had eaten wasn't treating me fairly. Akatsuki rubbed my back as I continued to sicken myself for another minute or two. I kept a firm grasp on what used to be my ring as I leaned back and lay back down.

    "Okay, you win," I sighed, "I want you to help. Just distract me in any way."

    Akatsuki opened his mouth to speak but I held up my finger to stop him, "Not right now. Just...let me dwell for another day." I pleaded.

    Akatsuki nodded and allowed me to do what I pleased. I switched the television on to fill the silence in the room as I reminisced about who used to be my Vampire boyfriend. From the corner of my eye, I spotted Akatsuki peeking over at me every now and then to make sure I was still alive. And every now and then, between Akatsuki's peeks, I would lightly peck my ring with my lips to beckon my good byes to Kai. I sat up straight and curled up into a ball and sighed as Akatsuki peeked over to check on me again.

    I smiled weakly at him, "Thank you," I told him again. He replied by smiling back weakly and rubbing my bicep in a friendly manner.

    After another day, I was well enough to go back to Akatsuki's apartment but not well enough to go back to school quite yet. My joints felt as though they were about to fall off and my stomach was still killing me so they told me to stay down for another two or three days. The first thing I did when I got back to Akatsuki's was lie on the guest bed and nibble on saltine crackers as Akatsuki plugged in a twenty-inch television on the dresser.

    I kept the ring right next to me...in the nightstand dresser so it wouldn't be in my sight any longer. The very first thing I did when I took that first step out of the hospital was stuff the ring in my pocket after feeling it burning through my palm. It was all going to be a memory now, Kai was going to be stowed to the back of my head and I'm sure I've been at the back of his head for a while now. I still loved him from the bottom of my heart, but it was time to move on, time to push our memories aside, time to find somebody else.

    It was finally time to move on, to heal the emotional scar that had been etched into my heart. Time to finally release from my grasp, the one Vampire who ultimately cared for me, the Vampire whom I was scheduled to marry. My first and one true love.