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walking down the staircase, I breathe heavily...the day had felt so long. The dark staircase grips my feet as I walk down...the cold, dull tungsten walls seem lifeless, but the chilled metal makes me smile.... the footsteps make no sound on my swinging staircase... the individual steps are designed to make no sound, and the unusual design of mine makes the long walk tolerable. My footsteps fall soft. The deeper I walk the more the vines thicken. On the walls, the vines grow through the geometric holes that had been designed for them. I come to the bottom of the staircase. The wall. I stop and smile at my own ingenuity, the wall was a great achievement of mine, I stroke the circuitry pattern it bears, the great pattern stretches the whole wall and up to the base of the vine roots. The pattern is engraved in it, 2 inches deep in the tungsten, and water is flowing through the small trenches. As I trace a line in the pattern, all the water drained from the circuits. I trace another line, this one more intricate, and a hairline crack appears in the floor... the crack becomes a large rectangle, and slowly sinks. After it sinks two feet below the level of the wall, it starts filling with water. As I am standing in the slowly descending rectangle, my feet are getting wet. In fact, the whole thing will descend until I am completely submerged, so I remove my clothes... finally the pool is many feet deep, and the current is overwhelming. I lay back and let it take me where it goes... I pass under the wall and close my eyes, not out of fear, but to enjoy the water wash over me, cleanse me of my stress... I open my eyes and gaze at the ceiling. The dome. The gargantuan dome looming above me, the double panes of hexagon glass making a geometric lattice stretching for acres... I suddenly notice the smell of ozone, the pleasant electric air is alive but somehow it calms me... cool mist is hanging in the air, and I have goose pimples, but it is not bad at all... almost childlike to see them there... I smile.... under me, a platform starts to rise, it catches me, and lifts me out of the water, and tilts me on my feet. I walk forward and look down. Black sand is on the floor, no harsh tile, and no light colors to disrupt my paradise...i take a step onto the sand, but I do not sink as it embraces my foot, a black hematite prism rises from the sand an accepts my foot... as I keep walking, platforms rise from the sand and meet my feet so there is no trace of my walk in the sand... after a short walk I come to a larger hexagon prism above the surface of the sand... I sit on the pedestal and cross my legs, In a religious pose I sit and the pedestal slowly rises out of the mist. A hundred feet in the air, I look from my pedestal out at my domain. Exotic plants grow from the black sand. The pool in the middle of the dome is glowing... I suddenly feel vulnerable. The dome. The great dome. The dome keeps me alive, I am nothing without my dome. The double panes of hexagon glass have electrogen between them. Electrogen is a creation of mine. My crowning achievement. The gas glows when exposed to electricity, and the hematite lattice that connects all the panes is electrified. It filters air, and can even be breathed. the whole dome is bathed in a sky blue light from the windows... the whole dome glows in this color... the aqua of the ultimate hue... the blue light reflecting off the hematite hexagon lattice projects a scaled pattern on the sand. Blue halos on the ground somehow intrigue me, my curiosity is escalating.... I run forward off of my pedestal, and again the hexagon prisms meet my footfalls. I run towards the pool the prisms interpreting my thoughts and creating a momentary stairway as I run towards the water.... I am at the water... I have no reflection and the black sand at the bottom of the pool is making the water appear black. the surface is glowing blue though, and I can not hold myself back. I extend one finger towards the pool... I am kneeling at the water's edge, my finger is an inch from the surface, which is now glowing hot blue. I touch the water. I see. I see the wireframe structure of the ripple. I see all the sides of the pool at once. I see myself from every angle imaginable. I see the truth. I see as God sees.....
There is a sudden pain in my ribs. I open my eyes. I gaze up to see a stranger wearing a suit and tie. I am lying on the sidewalk... “get up ya damn lazy bum, its almost noon and your blocking the whole sidewalk” I sighed...... so much for paradise.
- by Tesseract4D2 |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 02/13/2009 |
- Skip
- Title: Paradise
- Artist: Tesseract4D2
- Description: It starts out in a future scenario... the character (me) is an engineer, and is very smart.....
- Date: 02/13/2009
- Tags: paradise
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Comments (5 Comments)
- SpinnerMumbels - 11/22/2010
- It hurts my eyes just looking at it... O.O
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- Tesseract4D2 - 02/20/2009
- does this work like bumping?
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- Tesseract4D2 - 02/13/2009
- the heavy description is the basis of the story. its not about a plot. as for being a run on... thats intentional... as this is the bum's dream, it goes very quickly (dont your dreams seem to go very fast?) the run on moves your eyes quicker to make it seem to flow and make it seem fast. i just hope the ending was shocking enough... i might change it to an alarm clock going off, and a student getting ready for a dreaded schoolday. the end isnt supposed to be funny, but almost thoughtfull or sad.
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- saritasunshine - 02/13/2009
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There were also a lot of grammatical errors and it would be much easier if you'd included more paragraphs. My eyes kept skipping across the text and forgetting where I was and it makes the whole thing feel like a run-on sentence.
Point being, you have a lot of potential, but you also have a lot of work to do. Keep it up. - Report As Spam
- saritasunshine - 02/13/2009
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Alright, you had wonderful description, but it was very boring. I don't want to hear about every inch of this dome. I want something to HAPPEN. I want to FEEL it. I once told a friend of mine that they could easily spend ten pages describing a door knob. That's how I felt here. It doesn't really go anywhere. If this is an introduction to something bigger, then it needs to catch the attention better.
Also, just as a passing comment, some of the description was repeated using the same words twice - Report As Spam