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Now, here's one which is very very funny. It happened awhile ago, I believe close to a year ago now. Here... lemme set the scene...

Imagine a small, quaint little town which when you stay in there, there is no escape. Ah yes, Monrovia; the black hole of s**t towns. You stay there until every last bit of your soul is GONE. Anyway, as this is the area of our story, I will explain the people and the necessary time countdown.

Ashley Bush- A very very attractive female, a nice chest, beautiful hair, and a smile you could blind people with. BUT, she had a few problems. She did weed like she had not just back pain, but needles implanted in her spine. SHE DIDN'T DO WEED, she just got to the point of where you asked her if she was ok and the only way she was was if she was faded. Sober? Clean? NEVER. She was the epitome of the 'share me' stoner. When she was blitzed, you could pretty much do anything.

Wolfy- Ok. take a human... make it bisexual... then take all sense of morality and delusional concepts of believing yourself a werewolf and boom, you got this sad soul. Trance? Hell, why not. Trance on a full moon? Watch it, he might rave you to death with his shiny glow sticks of 'furry doom'. Now, don't get me wrong. He's a great pet... I mean, he lived under someone's bed for a good 4 months? He loves being a b***h! well, dog... anyway.. ramble..

and, the final player... Me. If you don't know me, you will through reading these stories. Now, the countdown: I'm not a shy person, quite the contrary, I just don't take chances. Why? because I've been burned a lot. Kinda like what happens when a midget tries going for a slam dunk and then realizes he /is/ a midget. He cries, wonders what he did with his life, but then goes and gets drunk to do some midget tossing for some money or free body shots off of an ugly bartender by the name of Olga.

Ok. SCENARIO!

~~Weird Fade In Scene~~

It was a late night, nothing really too special, I had got off work and was happy to get a call from this hot chick and be able to hang out with her. Ok, I show up and there's her two favorite bodyguards; a big BIG black man by the name of ONH, but lets say he could eat fat asses and still have room for dessert. BIG a** GORILLA. Anyway, the other is an emo sub who enjoys the guitar, british accents and having his genitals crushed. I swear, he's not a masochist, he just enjoys the attention.

DON'T CRY EMO KID.

Well, I meet up with her.. she happened to have the best thing for her right now. 1/3 slurpee... 2/3 vodka. Happy camper. in one of those HUGE cups? the like, 84 oz ones. She comes up, gives me one of the most tipsy hugs ever. I kind of look at her for awhile before I back off, not liking drunks. Especially drunk girls. It's for the sake of my sanity and their... well.. lets just say they'd be staring at the ceiling if I wasn't me. Nowm, she gets all mad at me... bare with me, I can't do slurs well...

'WhhhhHhhHHHhhyyyyy woooOoonnn-hic-tttt you seeEEeepppp with mmmmEEEeeeeEE?'

.......Come on people. when a hot woman asks you that, what's the correct response?

Mine was this: 'You're ugly'. Actually, just kidding. I said 'Because you can't walk a straight line'. She tried to prove it, tripped over what appeared to be a small leprechaun dancing with the absinthe fairy. (Or so she later admitted to seeing) Anyway, on with the show! *pulls back the curtain* TA DA! STUPIDITY!

She stares crying, saying how no one loves her, etc etc... then all of a sudden, miss drastic mood change suddenly gets up and stares at me with venom almost drippipng out of the pores on her body. She starts seething, looking like a bull seeing red. So I hear words that kind of make sense.

mostly like this.

GARBLE GARBLE MUMBLE WHORE b***h MUMBLE 'YOU COWARD!'

Ok, she calls me a coward. Why am I a coward? because I wouldn't kiss a drink idiot. So, she drags me off some place and proceeds to try to kiss me. I back off, she calls me a coward again, I prove her wrong, and kiss her flat out. SHE SHUTS UP. It was funny. She does it again, I do it again. she..........

anticipation building to a horrible climax.....

SHE SHUTS UP!!!

(ok, not as fun as you thought, or even as climactic.. but hey, I'm crazy. gimmie a break )

So, she hangs on me all night, I think I finally proved something, the next day there's a party I go to. Alcohol, a bisexual werewolf, and her with her two bodyguards again and me with a woman who wants to sleep with me.

We all end up falling asleep... I wake up, seeing this nasty a** scene of Ashley and Wolfy.

Oh oh! here's the BEST THING EVER!

want to know how she 'consoled' me?

'Don't worry! his p***s was crooked!'

.......*BLEACHES EYES AND STABS THE STUPID b***h IN THE THROAT*

GAH! I don't care what goes /in/ you you whore! just go get your kneepads and go to your corner!

anyway, another story from my pages of temporary chaos and destruction.

tick tock tick tock

'Are you ok?'

Read this and answer your own god damn question.