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I'm afraid.

Of what? Well, failure for one. It's probably been a big contributing factor to my lack of attempts at anything. I feel I fail even before I begin. What about when I do attempt at something, and stumble? It's the end of the world for me. I avoid it at all costs when even the remotest thing falters, and I crawl back into a dark hole for a few more weeks.

Not a pretty picture, is it? I don't think so either. It's not what I'd define as a "man."

I'm afraid of being a nobody. That's why I have dreams of being the best peacemaker in the world, and also the worst villain. To standout. I want to leave my mark on this earth in some form: with a bomb or a bouquet.

I'm half afraid of disappointing others. I say half because part of me doesn't care about disappointing others. I want people to be proud, maybe even admire me.

I've come to realize the first fear contradicts the later two.

I'm afraid of being burdensome or perhaps even too wanting. I feel undeserving of other people's attention and when I get it because I say something, I feel bad because I feel I've whined to them to give it to me. Rather unmerited.

I'm afraid of making hasty decisions and being tied to one thing.

What do I not fear?

Death: Ha, I live for it. Violence: Give me a big rock. Sex: Execute that ninjutsu love technique. Anger: Empowering fury. The unknown: Curiosity is my harnessed beast and imagination my carriage.

Why do I admit all this? Because, I admit weaknesses. I admit when I'm wrong (usually after I've argued so fiercely to be right.) I walked out into the kitchen at 4 in the morning, looking for a snack. I returned with a thought. I can be a nice guy, or I can be an a*****e. I can be a comedian, philosopher, technician, writer, poet, actor, or physicist. I'm a pretty multi-talented individual. But can I make friends? When I think about it, all my friends I've made was because they started as someone I pissed off. I don't know how to make friends in any conventional way. But then, I guess I'd only get conventional friends.

Regardless, my weakness is my paralyzing fear and my inability to communicate one on one with another person. How do I solve these dilemmas? How do I stop caring about failing so much? How do I actually seize the day without giving myself seizures? I guess this is something to think about.