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The main reason I journal is to get thoughts off my head. So here I am again, with more dilemmas. More things to calculate, balance, process.

I'll start casual. I'm back into WoW. I loved rift, it was a great game, until they merged their factions. Oppisite factions now raid together and participate in the same guilds, which basically means that the skill pool in the game has been cut in half, because guardian players perform worse than autistic stroke victims. Basically slightly worse than the average WoW players. Logically, if I hate dealing with incompetent people there's less incompetence on WoW.
So I returned. Participated in the expansion launch, was the 2nd player to hit 90 in the guild. First healer. 3 days in I healed a world boss raid, got some amazing pants. Yesterday I did the same raid and topped the heal charts by a large margin, basically establishing myself as the best healer on the server. This morning I soloed a 5 man boss my level on my prot paladin, which could mean that I might also be the best tank. Anyways, huge success. Gonna try to get the pally to 90 by the end of the day, then next comes my shaman. Monk will probably be next after that.
Sadowy dragged my priest into his guild. It's his idea of the year, he'll get bored with it and drop the guild soon enough. The reality is he created the guild under the promise that it'd become the best guild on the server. To make that happen, he's recruited all the dropouts from the best guild on the server. See the problem? he failed to have a raid group ready yesterday, which was essentially the first official raid day of the expansion. I can't come on Tuesdays anyways because I'm on eboard, so he's missing his secret weapon. His loss, aw well.

Ok, now down to the more meaty issues. Update from last post, #2 and I got into a very serious relationship. Very serious. The week before I left for school she was going to get a tattoo. Didn't know what the damn thing would look like before I showed up, promised me that she'd wait for me to approve of it before she actually got it. I was at work, my phone shorted out its battery life in like 2 hours. Lovely day for a technology failure. She sends the picture while my phone is off, and before I could even respond she decides to get it. I finally get home, power the thing on, fight with it for an hour to get the device to recieve mms.
It was the most ******** disgusting thing I've ever seen. And in TWENTY MINUTES, she decided to get that god damn bloody abomination scarred over half her calf for the rest of her life. I was FURIOUS. And you know what, I still am. How can one human be so damn stupid to see something, and decide they want it scarred on them for eternity in TWENTY ******** MINUTES. I knew this meant the end of the relationship, sooner or later. There's no way in hell I'd ever spend the rest of my life with someone that has that s**t blasted onto their body. I've met people in my life that have never disappointed me, and from then on she was not one of them.
Regardless, I waited 2 days. Tried to calm down. Met her in the park to discuss the future of the relationship. Oh my god seeing it made me so sick I wanted to puke. I had to leave work early that morning because the thought of it was so disgusting. I went to that park with the full intent to end the relationship, that's it. Somehow she managed to talk me out of it. Just seeing her there, worried. I felt like I had to give her a chance, as a decent human. She might have been stupid and her act also made her a liar, but she was always so genuine. That's still her greatest saving grace today. Maybe it was an act of mercy, maybe it was cruel to allow a painful attachment continue when it all seemed futile, But I gave her that hope, that 2nd chance. I promised her 5 months. I wouldn't enter a relationship with any other female for 5 months. After that, I'd reevaluate. I imagined this would be the best course of action because I could let her down slowly, while still maintaining the option to hold on to her if I could get over my grievances.
Since that day, I've been fair, kept my word. She's made many promises to me. If I was to ever commit to her, she'd have the abomination removed. She was also going to slowly quit weed. Both of these promises sound like desperate grasping at straws to me, but I'll believe her for now. The weed I can't police, have to take her word for it. The tattoo sucks, because I'll be stuck to her and have to deal with it for several years before there's even a chance of seeing it gone.
The reality is, she wants me so much more than I want her. I realize that she's someone who doesn't meet all of my standards, and very likely never will. It hurts me to remain with her, having to lower my standards to be nice to someone I care about. That said, I live on a campus with plenty of females I'd have an excellent shot with. Ones that probably would never give me the same troubles that I experience, just from her being herself. She on the other hand is currently the GF of the most amazing man that Clarence has ever produced, and if she looses me she gets to pick from the 3 other straight single males her age in the workplace. That's about it. She has a lot more to loose in a breakup.
This in mind, she's clinging to me. I like her, I care about her, but I'm always thinking that we're a bad match. The relationship really shouldn't carry on. But I've got to wait until December and keep my word. That's a lot of time to sit back and wait. Watch cute girls and excellent matches go by.

I let her hold on to my laptop when I left. The idea was to give her hope, but the main intent was so she had a way to skype with me. Truth is, I don't like her so much that I can think about her and fantasize about spending time with her all day. So I need to see her face every once and a while to give me something to look forward to, to keep me hooked. Honestly, I knew that she didn't have a chance in hell of staying in my mind without it. Because I do want to like her. I do wish things would be perfect between us. I just see the reality of the situation. Anyways, that brings me to today. Well, relatively today, at least.

Last week I had a small freakout. I was stressed, and I flipped the hell out when she said her first time happened when she was 17. Yet another standard of mine stomped into the dirt. Anyways, we talked, we made up, but things haven't been the same since then. Well, I haven't been the same since then. Everything up until now I could turn my head and pray it'd go away eventually, as promised. This one isn't going to go away. It deeply disturbs me. Anyways, since then I've lost interest. Haven't skyped in weeks. I haven't been texting her or carrying conversations. I'm done. I'm going to watch this relationship rot the way it did with #1. Just don't do anything and it'l unravel. I guess that's what I'm hoping for.

And it's real sad, that I wish she'd stop liking me. If she does though, that'd resolve many issues. I love affection. I love cuddling. I love being able to share my life with someone who cares. But I can't share my life with her anymore. I can't share how I feel about her, which is the biggest thing running through my head right now, because that would hurt her. So I'll just sit and wait. Come December I'll be free again. Free of all the stresses this relationship has brought.