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I love him so much still, even though we broke up more than a week ago.
His timing is amazing as usual though. I'm still happy and excited about life.
Probably because I know he'll still be in it, even though not as close as I wish.

Oh well. Friends is good enough for me right now. I know in the back of my mind I'm hoping that some time in the future (not immediate but near as in a couple years from now) we get back together. I don't want to say it could never happen because anything could happen in that amount of time. He could find some other chick he likes and he could date her for a year and fall in love. And I'll be there to help him figure out how to tell her and it will kill me inside. No, I would do it with a smile and it wouldn't hurt me because seeing him happy would make me happy.

I will let go of the love I cling to when I know that I have to but for now, I will hold on to it without letting it bring me down. I can still smile and laugh and mean it when I say I'm happy because I honestly have nothing to be really sad about. I haven't lost him, our relationship simply changed. We went from lovers to friends. That's common for this point in my life.

I have decided NOT to date for a long while though. Even if he wants me back sometime within this next year or so, I will hopefully have the willpower to say no. I say hopefully because I'm not 100% confident that I can say no if the opportunity comes knocking again. I need to not linger by that door. I hope I don't linger there too long waiting for a knock because if I do, I might miss the chance to open a different door. Wait, the door isn't closed though... so I guess what I'll do is leave it open but wander around and if he wants me back, he'll have to find me and explain himself.

If he doesn't use that magic 3 word, 8 letter phrase that I've longed to hear him say for almost a year now, he can forget it. I've already put my heart into his hands, once not knowing, the other time knowing full well that he had no intentions of holding on to it for long... I can't do that again. I'd have to know he wants to keep a steady grasp on it for me to take him back.

If I can resist, that is. Actually, I believe I'm strong enough now to be able to say no. I have been imagining what I'd say if he said he wanted me back sometime soon. What I've come up with is "now isn't our time" but that our time could be in the future, then I go on to tell him that if he figures out he's found someone he never wants to lose, someone he always wants in his life, someone he loves and wants to spend the rest of his life with, then he has to tell her as soon as he knows. I also explain how I don't mean I'm expecting him to come to this realization about me but his whoever.

I know I'm too young to make any commitments like that, but he's not. He's getting closer to the age most people get married and actually stay married to their spouse for the rest of their lives. I hope that if he does, I don't have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he's not mine and never was and never will be.

Still, for now, I cling to the beauty and hope in the uncertain future while also trying to remember and happily accept that whatever is meant to be will be.