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Im in tears right now just by reading this....my dad wrote it to someone else.....

Oh, dear.....
Well, it seems that my little Flea has mastered the art of hacking. I would like to apologize for her um..."interference" as it were.

Now that you're really talking to ME this time, I have to tell you something. I have been thinking about you a lot lately. Mind you, GOOD thoughts. I have even dreamt of you in the most happiest of ways. One dream in particular was interesting because it had NO dialogue. It was just you, me and AJ in your car...laughing. I swear I could even smell you.

I wish I could tell you that I was well, yet I am not. All of my best laid plans went to s**t and because of yet another screw up by yours truly, I had to make the decision to give up my girls for adoption to family. I felt that they needed the sense of permanence and belonging that I unfortunately cannot provide them right now. Know that this hurt so very much. In fact, I can easily say that I now know how you must have felt when you had to do more or less the same regarding Sydney. The sorrow. The hopelessness. The helplessness and despair. I know this now. This has also made me understand you more.

I have never ever been this depressed in my life. Yeah, I put on a good brave face and laugh and play like always, but I have such a great big hole in me. Yet, somehow, I soldier on. I have no idea how or why...yet I do. My dear, I feel like a ship without a rudder...adrift without direction. I feel lost, defeated and like a total failure.

This is the first time in a very long time that I am completely alone. I wish I could express this better, but I do not feel right at all.

As for my, uh, internal problems, well, I've had the runs for three months straight now. I think a trip to the internist and a colonoscopy is on the table. I swear, this is gonna make me a vegetarian...and not by choice.

Crystal, I want to thank you very much for writing. I know that the last time we emailed, things were pretty rough between us, and I felt that I didnt want to hurt you or cause you any more pain and so, I remained silent. Right now, however, when we have this moment together (at least in a virtual sense!), I want to do something to you that I have not done in a very long time.

When I used to write to you, I wrote in a way that brought you close to me with my words. I will not write to you this time with those cold, anesthetic words that I did before. I will now write to you the way I always did. Now, come closer dear...let us talk.

I have thought about you for weeks now. I want to start this with an apology. I know why I spoke to you the way and my lack of openness about where I was and such. I am afraid of you. I am afraid of what you can do to me. It took me a while to come to grips with it and I am getting better with it. After all, I am writing to you and baring my soul to you wholly and completely for the first time in a very long time, right? So, for all the times I laughed off your heartfelt emotions, for all the times I didnt take your words seriously, and for not showing you any emotion at all, I hope you can accept my apology. I wish there was something more I could offer you than these mere words that I tap out.

God, I can't believe I'm here trying to choke back tears and keeping a grip as I write. There is so much I want to tell you. I want however to also apologize for not properly expressing to you how much I love you. I should have done more. I should have told you how much you matter to me and how much I wanted to grow old and crotchety with you! I miss the chemistry between us! My God, why havent we ever recorded us chatting away in the car?! It would have blown up on youtube, I swear. Even doing something as ordinary as shopping at Walmart became a comedy show starring us with the kids as both co-stars and audience.

What wouldn't I give to be in your jeep and to give you that look and tell you "drive, Squaw" after you giving me the sneak one-liner comeback...that and so much more was so much fun! Im sure our Little Man would probably chime in as well!

I hope Sydney, Lauren and of course, AJ are well. I have kept not only AJ but your chicks in my prayers. I've lit candles for them at Mass. I have also done the same for you.

I have thought also of your mom and Johnny. I pray they are well too. I know you've hinted at Johnny not doing to well, and that worries me. I want to tell you that I miss the way your mom and Johnny treated me. Being around them made me feel something that I so desperately wanted from my mom. They made me feel like "a good son". I miss that. I also miss hanging out with Johnny in the "Bat Cave". For me, it was more than just hanging out and watching a game while knocking back a beer or two. It made me feel like I was doing it with my own Dad and that's why I regard Johnny so much. He was vicariously my dad. I miss him. I also feel like I failed them by not trying harder to reconcile with you. I think they liked us together.

How are you? I hope well and in good spirits. I also hope that you've gotten a better job than the one that seemed to want to run you into the ground with work...you will never know how much that irked me (and I should've told you so). I am sending you good vibes and thoughts. I admit that I miss you. There were so many things that I do miss about you. The one thing I do miss greatly are your eyes. Thinking about looking deep into them makes me remember how I could just fall into them. They made me weak and you can easily have me in thrall. Your hair, eyes, voice, walk, skin, smell, lips...I miss your cackling laugh (I told Syd once "Mom's cackling. This MUST be good!" wink . I even miss the one thing I havent heard in so long.

HOOOAAAAHHH!!!!

I also want to thank you for showing concern for me after everything. It is both flattering and also very humbling to know that after everything and the months of silence, you wrote...because you still care. You worry for me. It is stunning and wonderful to know that. It makes me feel happy. It also makes me reach for the freakin' Kleenex. After everything that has happened between us and all the water under the bridge between us, it speaks volumes about you. Loyalty and affection after all of this is staggering to me. You have my respect and so much more.

I think its interesting that my mom reached out to you about me at about the same time I thought of you nearly daily. Then again, she is part psychic.

I thought of you when I saw previews for Inglorious Basterds and Zombieland! I thought of how much of a riot it would be to see them both with you! That, GTA4, Resident Evil 5, would be lots of fun with you.

I thought of you at my lowest point. I was initially afraid to reach out to you. I always think of you when Im at my lowest. I think it's because I still look to you for comfort and a shoulder to lean on. I can't lie. I do.

I still think of you. More highly than anything else even before your email to me. I see you differently.

The library will close soon. I want to write more. I want to hear from you. Thank you again for writing.

I needed that. I needed that so much.

Yours truly,

A very beat-up "Rooster