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I don't think I ever really loved him. Perhaps as a really close friend, or maybe a brother. But I never loved him romanctically.
Because what I felt for him back then, and what I feel for you now, they are completely different feelings.
They are completely new sensations that I'm not used to feeling.
You know, when you were ignoring me for that one week, it really killed me. It hurt me so much I didn't know what to do about it.
And, you know, whenever you're around, I feel so much more happy than when I was with Ri.
Your smile is so contagious, it just makes me want to smile along with you.
And your eyes, I love your eyes you know? Unlike with Ri, when I look into your eyes, I feel this fluttery type of feeling in my chest, right where my heart is.
And then my stomach starts to do these weird flip flops and my face starts to get really hot.
And when you get sick or if you ever feel down, I feel so worried and I fret so much over you. I really do care for you, hyung.
So you see hyung, I don't love Ri. I never actually did.

So, hear me out hyung. Do you hear what I'm saying? I don't love Ri. I never did. I was simply confused.
I misinterpreted my feelings for him. So will you listen to me? Will you let me finally tell you what I've finally realized about myself?

No, I don't love you. I know that. I'm IN LOVE with you.
Because you make my day all that much more brighter by simply being there by my side.
Do you hear that, hyung? Your dongsaeng is crazy for you.

you keep on ranting on and on about how you've felt for the past month and you don't really know how to stop as you see him simply standing there, back towards you.
But at least he's listening to you. At least he's hearing you out. Maybe then your heart will be at peace.

In this complicated world filled with lies and half truths, you've finally come to admit what you felt for your hyung.
And now, you feel so much LIGHTER than you have felt in the longest of times, and it's really the greatest feeling you've felt in a long while.

With his back towards you, you have more courage to spout out all this nonsense that you've been feeling in your heart.

Then you begin to think, maybe you've always loved your hyung. Perhaps you've always thought of him this way, but you just interpreted it differently?

And you look at his back, tears in your eyes and heart soaring with the feeling of finally being released. But heart also hurting because he isn't saying anything.
He isn't facing you. He simply stands there, back towards you, as he looks down toward the ground.
Now you feel afraid. Afraid because he still hasn't spoken a word. You're afraid of his reaction, of what he'll say.
You're afraid that he'll reject you. Because, you too, are afraid of rejection. You start to quiver slightly, looking toward the ground as he remained silent.

"Ji..." he whispers ever so faintly, voice quivering as if he were about to cry. Snapping your head up to face him once agin, you strain your ears to try and hear what he is trying to say.

This is it. You'll finally know the path your life will take in. And you really hope for some type of positive feedback from him.

He then turns around, fists clenching and unclenching periodically in a loose grip. He still looks toward the ground, and you wipe away your tears as it seems as if he's about to speak.

"I..." he looks towards the side, fist clenched at his side, other grabbing his pant leg loosely.
You look at his adorable pose and look as he lightly bites his bottom lip. You can't help but feel like you love him even more from that simple action.

Then he suddenly looks up toward you, looking you straight in the eyes. He drops his hands and this time, they just lay there at his side.

"I hate you." he tells you and you felt your heart break at those words. You feel that burning sensation in the back of your eyes.
You feel something prickling at the very back of your eyes and you feel your heart begin to thump -oh so painfully- in your chest.
You feel something wet and hot slide down your cheeks. When was it that you started crying?
You look down and bite your lip, because now your heart feels as if something sharp had just punctured it and it hurts so damn much.

He continues his sentence, but you don't detect any malice or hatred, simply pain sadness and anger.
"I hate you so ******** much, do you know that Ji?" he restates his loathing and you nod, because you get it.
He doesn't like you. He hates you. You get it. You really do. But then why can't you hope for something else? For him to continue and tell you otherwise?

"I hate you for making me love you so ******** much." he continues softly, the sadness and anger and pain is gone from his voice. And this time, his voice is filled with love.
With a soft edge to his voice, he looks at you with a soft and loving expression, small smile slightly tugging at the corners of his lips.
And you are completely shocked at this declaration. Because this isn't what you expected him to say.
You are shocked because didn't he just say he hated you? But this time you smile.
You're crying this time not because of the pain in your heart but because you are so ******** happy.
You smile that smile you always reserved for him, the smile that no one else got to see. Not even Ri.

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Status: incomplete, part of a series.