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Sango's Decision pt.II
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A loud clunk outside the shouji quickly stirred me from my sleep. Wincing at the unexpectedly bright room, I blinked my eyes into focus and stared up at the ceiling. For a moment I forgot where I was, though remembrance slowly drifted back to me. Kuranosuke-sama’s castle, right. My eyes glanced over towards the inner wall, where there stood nothing but a door.
“Houshi-sama must have left without rousing me …”
Faint noises could still be heard behind the shouji on the opposite side of the room, and a silhouette shifted around in the sunlight. Listlessly I got to my feet, making sure my hair and attire were decent, and slid the door open. A servant woman crouched on the wood of the classy engawa (walkway), and upon seeing me started and gave a small bow, “P-pardon me, honored guest. I was too clumsy and dropped my cleaning supplies. Forgive me if I have disturbed your slumber.”
“Do not worry about it,” I replied with a wave of my hand, and bent down as well to scoop up a pale - which had spilt its contents all over the deck. She bowed two more times and repeated her sorrow, but I would hear none of it. It seemed she wasn’t used to such kindliness. Once I’d laid a few damp cloths in the bucket and handed it to her, an irritating shine in the corner of my eye voiced a question from my throat, “Could you possibly tell me what time it is?”
“Why – a ways past noon, m’lady.”
“Noon?!”
She jumped skittishly at the outburst and nodded her head, “Yes. This surprises you, m’lady?”
I wrapped my arms around my abdomen, staring at the sky in wonder, “It is unlike me to sleep in so late … wait a minute. Wasn’t I supposed to- Agh!” I spun on my heels and hurried inside, nearly forgetting to shut the door behind me. “How rude of me! I should have met the lord for breakfast hours ago!”
Tugging on my yukata over the sleeping kosode, I fastened the obi and sped into the inner hallway.
‘Kuso- showing late only to bring him more displeasure. You’re sure a respectable guest,’ I scolded myself in sarcasm. ‘Though it -was- a late night, and houshi-sama said it was near sunrise when we’d fallen asleep …’ I sounded a small ‘hmph’. Darn monk should have woken me up sooner, instead of slipping off alone. ‘He probably let me be on purpose. Whether he dislikes the man or not, it’s not polite to leave him waiting.’
Arriving at the main quarters, I tentatively pulled a door open and peeked inside. There was a single man within the massive room, and he leaned languidly against the shouji door to view the Zen garden outside. A few clouds hovered in the horizon. Stepping inside I moved soundlessly towards him, before stopping a few feet away and clasping my hands together on nervous impulse, “Kuranosuke-sama?”
His head turned, and that broad smile of his began to shine through, “Sango. Have you slept well?”
“H-hai,” I managed, bowing slightly from the waist. “I’m sorry for not showing earlier. It was unintentional.”
“Now now, not another word. You are here, and that is all that matters.” He stood and began to take a step out onto the engawa, “I’ll summon the servants to prepare you a meal.”
“No-”
He paused nearly in mid step, looking upon me with concerned eyes.
“You needn’t worry about me, I’m not hungry. But thank you for the offer.” I took a deep breath to calm myself, then cast my eyes towards his own, “Would you please sit down, m’lord? We-uh … we need to talk.”
“Of couse,” he replied kindly, shifting around to retrieve two floor pillows – he’d made sure that I received the larger and more comfortable one. He really was a sweet man, despite our differences. It made me bitter towards myself to do him wrong. ‘I should just out and say it. There’s no need to keep the poor guy in suspense.’
“Kuranosuke-sama I-”
“Sango, I-”
We’d started at the same time. I flushed and looked down, courage falling at the unexpected interruption, “Ano- you first.”
“I …” he was silent for a moment, perhaps gathering his own nerve, “I – cannot express how glad you have made me. I was almost certain you would not heed my summons. And here you are now, before me with no troubles to hold us back. Just as it was meant to be.”
I dared not look up, feeling too rotten to meet his gaze. Of heaven’s sake the man had waited over seven long years for this opportunity, and I was just about to shatter his long-standing dream!
“You have not … found interest in another?”
“Not even the celestial tennyo of the gods could tempt me away from you, Sango. No, there is no other.”
“… why?” I spoke in a quiet whisper.
“Because I love you. It shall always be so.”
I closed my eyes, unable to even stare down at my lap, “I am flattered, honest. But - How do you know it is love? Surely these things cannot simply conjure themselves in one day.”
“How do I know?” He lifted his head, almost seeming to be staring past the ceiling. “To wake every morning from dreams of a beautiful warrior, whose voice sings me to sleep at night and vanishes every time I open my eyes. To stare in awe upon a woman who is as goodhearted as she is courageous. And to realize that a mere child’s crush has blossomed into everlasting devotion – those are only a few reasons as to why I know it is love. Our last meeting has only strengthened my resolution, and now that I have you I intend to cherish you with every breathe I take.”
My eyes watered and I tried to blink the tears away. I watched as his hands gently reached towards my lap and pulled my own into his grasp.
“Sango … I truly love you, with all my heart. And if you’ll have me –I swear by the gods I will give you everything you want and more. You would make me the happiest man in the world. So what do you say … will you be my wife?”
My shoulders shook, and before I could stop it a tear rolled down to fall on our hands.
“Sango?” He voiced his unease.
“I’m sorry. I’m so – so sorry,” I whispered in a quivering breath. “I- I can’t … I am engaged.”
He was very quiet afterwards, and I clenched my eyes closed and hung my head. I felt so low, so heartless. To imagine what he must be feeling right now … it made me sick to my stomach. I near hated myself as the silence dragged on.
Finally, “… you really love him, don’t you?”
My eyes shot up to meet his, vision blurry from the moisture, “W-wha …?”
The lord’s hand came up to cup my cheek, brushing a tear away from the corner of my eye with his thumb. Though he was plainly melancholy, he held with him a sense of understanding, “The monk that saved the mighty taijiya during our last encounter. Your eyes stray to him frequently.”
I glanced away, “It cannot be helped.”
“Because you love him.”
Hesitantly I nodded against his palm. Turning my eyes back to his, he offered me a smile – sad but genuine. “It is clear to me now,” he began in a soft voice. “I can sit here all day and promise you the world, and I would still be declined. It is the uncommon phenomenon that occurs in wives’ tales; the prince can offer his love a luxurious life, but she will nonetheless run away with the pauper. I can try to entice you with riches and distinction, but if I do not possess your love – it is for naught.”
“Please, Kuranosuke-sama … if you could find it in your heart to forgive me.”
“Do not fret, dear Sango. I do not, nor will I ever, bear you any ill will,” his eyes conveyed an unyielding gentleness. “It matters not how far you are, or whose arms you may be in. You are my love, my guardian angel, and I am not so low as to tarnish my respect for you because of your own decisions. Give your heart to whomever you love, and I will proudly support you. I only ask you to acknowledge, that mine will forever be with you.”
I felt my eyes begin to water again, “You are a good man. I cannot thank you enough for understanding.”
Takeda nodded his head and drew his hands back to his side, “Now tell me, when is the wedding? I’d wish to give my consent.”
Tensing at being put on the spot, I fixed my eyes on the tatami floor, “I – do not know.”
“Hm? Surely you must have discussed a date.”
“No. Our engagement … hasn’t been mentioned since the death of our adversary.”
“How so? If I were in the monk’s place I’d have married you the moment you were set free – and at the base of Mt. Fuji no less!”
I smiled in response, though inside the words were disconcerting. I didn’t want to voice my suspicions, not to Kuranosuke nevertheless. He had a hard enough time submitting to another man, he didn’t need to know that said man was also a perverse flirt who wounded my heart at every opportunity. A frown sprawled across my face at the thought. Though it was easily ignored, a little voice whispered in the back of my head, ‘Are you making a mistake?’
He drew me out of my thoughts once more with a tug on my hand, “Please write to me once you’ve settled upon day. Will you do that for me, Sango?”
“Of course, m’lord.” And I meant it too. Houshi-sama may be disagreeable towards the issue, but Takeda has earned my respect and deserves to be there if he wished it so.
The lord was silent for a moment longer, before starting in a more cautious tone, “May I inquire one final thing? An insignificant request, that’s all I ask of you.”
“Wh … what is it?”
He reached out his arms on either side of him in a welcoming gesture, “It appears that I’ve waited so long in vain. As such, my I … well, may I embrace you?” He looked awkwardly charming, which raised a giggle from my lips.
Without thinking twice I leaned over and encircled his shoulders in a sincere hug, which he returned by wrapping his arms around my mid-back and holding me securely. I rested my head against my shoulder and listened to him take in a steady breath. His hold tightened when he turned his head to utter into my ear, “I’ll always love you, Sango.”
At that very moment, footsteps halted at the open shouji – and there stood houshi-sama.
The lord’s head was tucked away against my other shoulder, unable to see the man before us. I stared at the houshi at first in confusion, then in shock upon seeing his expression. Only one word could describe it – disgust. ‘Kami-sama, what is he thinking?’ I stiffened in Kuranosuke’s arms, and he responded by rubbing his hand across my back and exhaling a small ‘shhh’ against my hair.
I blushed awkwardly and looked back to the monk, mouthing, “Houshi-sama, it’s –”
Before finishing I watched him turn, a pompous scowl on his face as his eyes closed dignifiedly. With movements too brisk he stomped across the engawa and vanished beyond the other end of the shouji.
Panic took over me like a frenzied alarm, and I immediately began to push the lord away.
“Sango – what ever is the ma-”
“I’m sorry, no time to explain!”
When I at last escaped his grasp I jumped to my feet and hurried down the engawa. ‘Houshi-sama,’ I kept repeating to myself, my heart clenching as I thought of his response. To happen past a sight such as that, my arms wrapped around another man – I can only imagine how he must have felt!
‘The poor houshi. I need to find him before … ’
After rounding a corner my feet stilled. The clouds of far off now loomed over the castle, basking it in an uncanny shade of grey. It was very silent – the only sound coming from a wooden pale that rolled around on its side before dropping off the walkway. In its wake crouched Miroku, his arms wrapped around the silly servant woman from earlier. She was fully flustered, propped feebly between a support beam and his hold. Their faces were mere centimeters apart. Being the first to catch my eye she darkened more in color and scrambled to her feet, uttering a small word to the monk before fumbling to get inside the castle.
Houshi-sama stood, his expression as stern as my own when our eyes met. I faced him in edged suspense, standing my ground and waiting for justification. It never came – not surprising. He stared at me with the same cold look, and perhaps he was expecting an explanation as well.
‘I’ll be damned it I give him one now,’ I told myself in spite.
The horrid gap lingered. A pitter-patter of rain began to ping against the courtyard, and a low groan of thunder rumbled in the distance. It was soon a downpour, the outside world covered in a hazy curtain of mist and rain. And we stood there ever the same – looking upon each other like strangers on opposite sides of a battlefield.
‘Your silence says it all. You lied to me – I dare you to tell me differently.’
Lightning lit up the sky, shortly followed by a sickeningly loud crackle. It seemed all the encouragement he needed to call over to me. “I’m sure you’ll make him a fine wife. Enjoy your newfound life, Sango.”
The thunder boomed again while he turned his back on me, walking away.
My heart gave a few nauseatingly slow pulses – One, two, three … it hurt. It felt like a light had gone out inside of me, had left me cold and naked to die. The only way I could cope with the dark, the damage, was to ignore it in substitute for a stronger emotion; One that damned my conscience and fed my courage with its flames. My shoulders physically shook, and my hands clenched so tightly I thought my nails would cut into my palms.
“Kono … kono YARU!!”
I’d screamed it so loud my throat stung. It had his attention however, and he stilled but never faced me.
“I had hope for you!” I shouted over the rain and distance, “When every other damn woman would have given up by now, I had hope! ‘When Naraku is gone, will you have me?’ HAH! If only that were the truth! But I see it now, and inside I knew. All this time I’ve just been a play thing you can feel up whenever you please! If it were any other way you would have – have –”
I shook my head and branched onto another thought.
“Well I don’t give a damn anymore! You’ve just confirmed my defeat. You see me in the arms of another man and immediately think our bonds have come undone – that you are free from our engagement. Well then go ahead, monk! See if I even care! What did you think would keep me by your side – a broken heart and empty promises!?”
There was another crackle as lightning struck.
“I’m so very tired of this … And I will not be subjected to it! There’s no need to keep me anticipating any longer.”
I picked my heart apart into little pieces, scattering it about as the numbness of hate and anger soothed the burn. I caught my breath, listening to the rain as I leered at the houshi’s back. He was stiffer than a statue, silent as the dead.
“Be happy, houshi. You needn’t worry about commitment any longer.” I turned my back and faced away. I began to walk slowly along the engawa, but not before calling, “I’ll be in my room. And don’t you dare try to sneak inside this time.”
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Time drifted by slowly. The storm had passed and so too did the rain. Supper had come and gone – I refused to leave the room. The request was unquestioned, though I suspected the servants left a meal tray outside the shouji. Kirara was curled up against the crook of my neck, nuzzling and purring to me ever so softly. I covered my face with the pillow; body collapsed above the futon blankets. I’d been in that position since I first broke down, immediately after the fight.
My harsh words kept ringing in my ears. I couldn’t believe I snapped like that, turned so vicious! But he … I saw him! There was no excuse for what he did, or else he would have explained it. And my reaction? Impulsive! I’d shut down after his little remark, and lost control of my speech. But was what I said true, and did I really mean to say it? The scary part was that I didn’t know! It was downright awful to say, but I couldn’t force myself to regret it. Was that how I truly felt?
‘What will you do now?’
I flipped onto my back, taking Kirara into my hands to rest her against my chest. She sprawled atop me curiously, before setting to work at licking my fingers. Cinnamon eyes stared into nothing but space, hollow with uncertainty. What could I do? I’d broken the peace between the monk and I, and I wasn’t so heartless as to leave without him. ‘But he’d probably prefer that anyway.’ My anger rose slightly and Kirara’s tongue paused in mid stroke.
“Mew?”
I glanced down at her, seeing her lowered ears and concerned eyes. “Sorry girl,” I cooed, scratching at her neck while she lifted her head with a purr of appreciation. “What do you think I should do, hm?” I laid my head back on the pillow and gazed up at the ceiling. “There’s no way I can possibly stay here with the lord … but – hah,” I gave a sad little chuckle. “I think I just ruined my one chance at happiness.”
“Mwwrrrrr”
The neko batted her paw at me, trying to distract me from the consuming sadness. I sniffled and whipped away a tear that trickled down, “I know, I know. Gomen ne.” She gave a small growl and flicked her tails, knowing her playful antics weren’t working.
“He probably doesn’t want me around … why would he if all he wants to do is …” I sighed, my other hand coming up to pull back my bangs in a frustrated manner.
“I wish Kagome-chan where here. She’d know what to do.”
“Mew”
“Hmph, I’ll tell you what she would have done – she wouldn’t have let it get so far out of her reach.”
Pausing a minute, I put Kirara aside and walked over to the rice paper shouji and pulled it open. The skies had cleared; the full moon vibrant and the stars dancing against deep indigo. There was a light breeze that rattled the trees and made my hair and clothes flutter. It was all so serene, though I could not feel comfortable in my surroundings.
“I wish I could just get away from it all.”
“Mwwrrr,” Kirara replied, crossing between my legs to finally rub up against my calf. I looked back up at the sky, reflecting on so many things at once. I felt numb, mainly because so many different emotions were struggling to control my overall state of being. Anger and sadness were dominating, though I tried my best to ignore them. I was at a loss - though something in the light of the moon set my mind to forming an idea.
At that moment, there was only one place in this world that I wished to be. A place with no lords, no monks, no one but those in distant memories. I could stay there for as long as I wanted, uninterrupted, and secluded. It would give me time to think … but more importantly …
With a nod to myself I closed the shouji and undressed, before securing my battle armor and gathering my things. I judged it was around midnight, meaning there would be no one outside to spot or stop me. Lastly I took out the scroll Kuranosuke had written to me, and turned it around for a clean surface. In too much of a hurry to create my own ink, I reached into my bag for a charcoaled piece of wood initially used as kindling. The dark scratches left behind by the wood were messy, but the characters were legible.
‘Do no worry, I am in no danger.’
I left the note on my pillow. Turning back to Kirara I sighed, feeling guilty for leaving Kohaku here without us. The lord would give him safe passage to travel back to the village, though. The nekomata hopped off the engawa and transformed in the courtyard, looking back as I shut the shouji behind me.
Mounting the feline and fastening hiraikotsu, I took a moment to think about what I was doing, “Alright, Kirara. Let’s Go.”
She took off into the sky, until the castle seemed less than a mere dot. I’d never felt as uncertain as I did at that moment. I wondered if the houshi would even miss me. It was a shame how easily I had given up, but as much as I wanted to ignore it, inside the light still burned; dying and feeble – but still there. I found that my entire life thus far will be changed upon another’s actions. A hopeless chance that brought tears to my eyes again. But it needed to be done.
“If he truly loves me, he’ll find me.”
And so we glided beyond the moonlit horizon, half certain that I would never see the monk again …
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Community Member
houshi`s happy mood before = heart blaugh whee mrgreen
houshi`s happy mood after = gonk crying