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That Five Month Feeling
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‘Alright. I can do this. I just have to be quiet.’
Shift. Shuffle. Creak.
‘Quiet … quiet …’
A clothed hand reached out for the hanging door, swiftly pulling it aside.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“H-houshi-sama!”
I blinked up at my husband, who had apparently been standing outside of the hut. His arms were crossed, eyebrow arched.
Biting my lip a little in annoyance, I stepped outside the doorframe and nudged him back a step or two. “Don’t try to scare me like that.” I offered in a hushed tone, “Kaede-sama is asleep already. You shouldn’t try to disturb her.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“Question?” I recited, my back turned to him as I made yet another attempt to escape.
“Oooh no you don’t.”
“H-hey!”
My shoulders tensed as he caught me by them gently and spun me around.
“You heard me loud and clear, Sango. I asked where you were going.”
I was somewhat hoping that he was being playful, but looking up into those serious sapphire eyes I knew I had been caught with little chance of escape. “I … wanted to bathe at the hot spring,” I confessed, eyes averted. Well – it wasn’t far from the truth.
“… With those?” The skepticism was evident in his tone. I followed the trail of his eyes, down over the crumpled suit and armor I had gathered in my arms.
Caught red handed, I tried again to lighten the mood, “Maybe …”
We looked at each other in a moment of silence, and when my smirk failed to alter his stern expression my anger flared.
“I can handle myself, monk!” I hissed, slapping his hand away from my shoulder and turning once more. I had only taken two steps when his arms engulfed me from behind, restricting my movement. Defeated, my eyes closed in aggravation.
“I do not doubt you, Sango,” he purred against my ear, nuzzling me with his cheek, “However, your bump says otherwise.”
My face stained a familiar crimson as the hand that did not hold me secure reached down to stroke at my curved abdomen. I waited until the flat of his palm stretched out across my entire belly before I retorted,
“Leave my ‘bump’ out of this.”
“I would, but I believe it is my responsibility.”
“Was it also your responsibility to steal my hiraikotsu?” I spat back, the bitterness in my voice growing. My husband sighed almost tiredly against my ear.
“Ah, this again. For the fifth time love, I did not steal your weapons. I hid them so you would not be tempted to use them.”
“Without my consent,” I grumbled, rotating my shoulders and pushing out of his grasp.
“Well of course. You would have never agreed.”
‘Just keep walking and he’ll give up. I am in no mood for him tonight. It’s not as if I’m out to pick a fight with a horde of youkai, I just want to practice my kata. Is that too much to ask? No. But of course he knows what is best for me - … us…’ My eyes trailed down to my stomach at the foreign thought.
‘Right … us. Perhaps I can agree with him in that sense … but that still doesn’t give that damn houshi the right to hide my weapons while I slept!’
“So where are we really going?”
I skidded to a halt on my heels, turning to find that the monk had actually followed me. “We? I don’t seem to recall ever inviting you.”
“You didn’t. But I noticed Kirara is not with you. You know the rule.”
I crinkled my nose at him, “Oh, which rule? The one where you ‘forbid’ me from leaving the village unescorted? Yeah, no thank you. You may have forgotten what I’m capable of but I certainly haven’t.”
For a moment the calm line of my husband’s mouth twitched into a frown, “Why are you trying to make me into an enemy?”
At the hurt in his voice I felt my chest tighten. Frustrated, I combed a hand through my bangs and scuffed my foot across the dirt path, “No. No … I’m sorry. It’s just that – I’m trying, okay? You can’t expect me to abandon my way of life and be perfectly content with it.”
Miroku shook his head, “And I don’t expect you to be. I understand, Sango. I only wish that you realize you are accountable for life that is not only your own. It is better to be cautious then to risk anything happen to either of you.”
“As you’ve said before,” I listlessly replied. “It doesn’t mean I’ll stay cooped up in the hut barefooted until my pregnancy is over. I’m entitled to roam, regardless of your concerns about it.”
Miroku put a hand behind his head, his expression battling between irritation, impatience and frustration as he attempted to keep a calm composure. I was tired of this subject, and he knew it. Still – it was amusing to see him try.
Opening his mouth as if to say something, I waited patiently for it with a critical eyebrow raised. When it never came, I gave a cynical little smirk and turned my back to him again, “I thought so …”
“Defiant. That’s what you are. Must you be so negligent?”
‘Okay. Now he’s pushing it.’
“Defiant?” I repeated, shoulders tensed with a renewed grimace. “I’ll show you defiant.”
“And how exactly do you intent to – ack!” The monk drew back when one of the boots I was holding steered course for his head. He caught it, paused a moment, then tucked it under his arm, “Why thank you, Sango. You saved me the trouble of having to sneak this away for you.”
My gaze narrowed, “Miroku, if you even so much as think of taking my armor away …”
He held his typical dignified expression and sing-song tone, “You’ll what? Harm me? I highly doubt it.”
“Give it back.”
“What back?”
“My boot!”
“This boot? But you gave it to me.”
“Hai, to knock some sense into you! Not for keepsake!”
“Well you’ll have to come and get it~”
I sighed exasperatedly, edgily crossing the distance between us, “You’re such a child.”
“Says the woman who just threw a shoe at me,” he chided, shifting his side when I went to reach for the imprisoned article.
“H-hey! Let go already-” I griped, trying to grab it with my extended arm. Seeing an opportunity, the monk brought both arms back to his front and scooped up the remainder of the suit I had been loosely clinging to. As soon as I registered that he had stolen my possessions he was already sprinting away,
“Get back here you little thief!”
“You know I won’t damage it or anything along those lines,” he panted out, quickening his step when I nearly caught up with him. “It’s for your own safety. Besides – you won’t even be able to fit in it in another few weeks. I’m doing you a favor!”
“I know that already and you still have no right!” I shook my fist at him, surprised that I was struggling to catch my breath, “Instead of assuming that I’m a complete idiot why don’t you let me make my own decisions? So stop running and give me back - … give me back my - …”
My racing turned to a wobbly jog, then to a hesitant walk. Stilling, I put my hands on my knees for support, taking in large gasps of air. My skin was on fire, head swimming.
Just as I thought I would lose my balance there was a heavy thunk beside me, and Miroku had swept me up into his arms in substitute of the armor. My hand grasped onto his robes silently, the dancing indigo of an anticipated faint dissipating from my vision as my heart rate climbed down to a steady rhythm.
Once normal, I shrunk in his arms like a misbehaved child waiting to be scorned.
“Do you see why I don’t want you being reckless?”
It wasn’t voiced as harshly as I’d expected.
“Fainting spells …” I murmured in reply, eyes lowered.
“Twice this has happened already. The baby is using up a lot of your energy, and it doesn’t take much above overheating yourself to put both of you at risk. You shouldn’t be exerting yourself.”
I nodded mutely, knowing he was right. If I couldn’t so much as run in this condition, I suppose he would be concerned if I were ever confronted by youkai on my own.
“… It’s hard,” I confessed in the wake of our silence. His shifted his grip, encouraging me to elaborate. I did so in a voice just above a whisper, “It’s hard after all these years to admit to weakness. I always thought the bewildered faces of village men after an extermination meant that their views on women were wrong – that women aren’t vulnerable and powerless by nature …”
“… You’re being foolish, Sango,” Miroku cooed softly, bending down to retrieve my possessions and swinging me up in his arms again. He regarded me with a calm tone as he began to walk, “You’re not weak, you’re having a child. And once we see the shining darling you’ll be beating down youkai as you’ve always done.”
“You sound so certain,” I remarked, if a bit skeptically.
The houshi made a noise of assurance, “That’s because I am. Women with child are always out of touch with their body and mind. Have you not been told this?”
I bit my lip and tucked my face away, too ashamed to voice the word ‘no’. I had been raised to slay demons, not bear children. I hadn’t even considered myself pregnant until Kaede-sama’s diagnosis regarding daily ailments and a convexing belly some three months later. Everything from there was tentatively asked of the miko when I could not find an answer myself – such as when I was due, how she could tell, and why my senses had heightened.
Of course there were things that I could not bring myself to question; wondering why I couldn’t stomach foods that I once enjoyed, craved exotic sweets from Kagome’s time – or why parts of my body had gotten too tender and responded strangely at the sound of a baby crying – and most importantly why I could hate Miroku’s guts to the point of booting him out of the room and not five minutes later pine for him back in my bed.
It would have been lovely to get a “textbook” definition of what I was going through, but alas Kagome was no longer with us.
“… where are we going?” I asked, finished musing over my troubles.
“As you said,” he paused, pushing past a low tree branch with his shoulder. “Hot spring.”
I glanced around the familiar clearing, over the large boulders and pool of steaming water. He set me down and by the time I had folded my suit and armor beside a tree there was a large ‘sploosh’ behind me. Quirking an eyebrow, I followed the trail of discarded robes to the man grinning like a kitsune within the rippling waves of the onsen.
“Eager, are we?”
“Join me,” Miroku purred with a pearly smile.
I smirked, humoring him this once, “Hah, in a moment.”
Bending down I collected his clothing and placed it in a pile aside my own. Having left the green apron at the hut, I slipped off my sandals and leggings and reached for the dark belt of my yukata. The sides parted down the middle, leaving me silently gazing down at the odd bump that had grown to level with my extended chest. I swept my hand over the skin, tracing the taut line down the middle. The pink material slipped down from my shoulders slightly as both hands were needed to stretch over the entirety of my tummy.
“What are you doing over there?” I heard my husband question. Turning to face him, my cheeks flushed briefly when he caught sight of my sprawled hands,
“Ano … Anata. Kaede-sama says I am five months along, but … but don’t I seem … bigger than that?”
“Hmm … come here.” Nodding to him, I rolled the yukata all the way off my arms and placed it on the pile. A few tiptoed steps of modesty and I was in the water beside him. He beckoned me closer with a hand motion before he slipped both underwater to gently cup my stomach. I rested my head against his shoulder shyly as he began to gently massage.
“You don’t seem much bigger, love. I wouldn’t worry over it. He’s just healthy.”
I nodded again, “Hai. I suppose you’re …” Opening my eyes with a blink, I shifted back to face him quizzically. “… he?”
“Our son.”
“What makes you think it’s a boy?” I asked.
Miroku shrugged somewhat, “My grandfather was an only male child, as was my father, as well as myself. Such a long line would lead me to believe that our baby will be the same.” He paused a moment, before grinning and continued to rub my belly. “Of course without the only child business. He’ll have many, many other siblings to play with.”
Without much else to say, I leaned my head against him and closed my eyes. My husband’s hands danced farther back to circle around my waist and hold me close to him. The embrace wasn’t too tight, given the delicate weight between the both of us. Nonetheless it left me awash with a new and profoundly strong sense of kinship and family with this man I’d somehow fallen in love with.
My arms lifted from the warm water to encircle his shoulders, head nuzzling closer into the crook of his neck as I look in a deep breath of his scent. In the end, despite all the bickering and fussing, I was glad to be the one bearing him a son. It wasn’t the result of a one-night fling in some rundown village, or a last minute sign of desperation before the final battle was fought.
The life growing inside of me would be fathered by a man who had proven his commitment and dedication through marriage and a determination to stay on this earth.
He did not want this child to fulfill a destiny he himself could not accomplish – he wanted it to begin a happy and full life with a woman who loves him, and to prove to her that he was a changed man who was here to stay.
So, if it will make him happy, let it be a son. Perhaps I cannot guarantee him twenty children, but I can at least give him this.
A boy would be nice. Very nice. A boy wouldn’t want to know how to cook or clean without command. Nor would he want to know the best ways of applying makeup, or question why he wasn’t being raised by a more feminine influence. A boy would rather be encouraged to train with a sword opposed to a painted fan and tea kettle. A boy would be an excellent fighter. A boy wouldn’t be hurt to the point of self-consciousness by others’ words for pursuing a career in combat …
… A girl simply would not due …
“Are you ready to get out?”
“Mm-what?” I questioned lazily, drawing back once more to look him in the eye. “It’s only been a couple of minutes …”
“If you’re clean, it’s good enough. I’m sorry if you wanted to relax, but I’m uncertain if the high temperature could cause harm.”
I wanted to protest, but I wasn’t so sure of that either. With a sigh I stood, the contact with the summer air surprisingly chilly after the soak. Peering down at my husband, I offered him my hands, “If you insist, but you’ll have to suffer with me.”
Miroku chuckled and helped guide me over the rocky ledge of the pool.
Bending over a moment, I rummaged through the pile of clothing to find the towel I had brought. Finding it, I slipped it around my torso and secured it in a knot, before searching for a smaller towel I usually used for my hair.
“I wasn’t expecting company,” I complained halfheartedly. “You’ll have to make due with a smaller towel I’m afraid.”
“That’s quite alright, love. Forgive me for troubling you.” I heard shifting behind me, before a hot damp body leaned over me. His hands snaked forward to cup my breasts before I could react. “Really – the least I can do is help you dry off.” Those hands gave an indicative squeeze.
“H-houshiii,” I yelped, snapping upright at an awkward and raw soreness.
The monk let go as if his hands had caught fire. “I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered in a bit of panic, “Did I hurt you?”
“No it’s just …” I turned and offered him a somewhat pained and embarrassed smile, “Those are tender nowadays.”
“ … sweatdrop I see.”
I gave him a gentle shove in the chest, “Well of course. Why else do you think I haven’t been wearing my bindings?”
“Because I’ve always said you look sexier without them?”
I watched his fingers wiggle around as they tried to reach for my derriere, before deciding to cover up that happy-go-lucky grin with a towel.
“Hold still, you pervert.”
The monk made a series of winded pouts as I scrubbed the towel vigorously around his head. Pealing it back, I could not suppress my laughter at his ruffled hair and face that resembled a wet cat.
“Oh my – you look so – so - ,” I struggled to find words within my giggling.
He made a smug look to mock me, slicking his hair back from where it had fallen out of its tail and refastening the band, “And you wonder why I tie it back.”
“I’m only teasing, love,” I replied, still grinning in amusement. “I like it down. You look spontaneous.”
“The same can be said for you,” Miroku remarked, taking the white ribbon from the pile and holding it prisoner in his grip.
Fading to a more sincere smile, I nodded, “Well then I’ll allow you to see it more often in the leisure of our alone time.”
Casual conversation died from that point under the preoccupation of getting dried and dressed. Back in my yukata and scrubbing my hair with the towel, my thoughts were interrupted by the inquiring monk,
“What song is that?”
“Song?”
“The one you were just humming, dearest.”
‘I was humming …?’ Blinking, I thought what it possibly could have been while drawing the cloth away from my hair,
“I suppose - … it was something my mother was always fond of singing.”
The fuzzy memory of my mother began to dance in my mind – smiling with kind, loving eyes. She looked very much like I did now. The corners of my lips tugged up at the hazy ghost,
“… I was five when she died … She told me to take care of Kohaku, because she herself wouldn’t be around long enough to do so …”
“I’m sorry to evoke such memories, Sango,” Miroku apologized, sounding sincere.
I shook my head, “No, it’s alright. I don’t remember much about her, but I’m happy to have a few fond recollections. I’m glad to have known her at least for that brief time … houshi?”
“… Hn?” He looked up at me curiously, as if trying to hide the vacant expression he had been casting at the ground.
“What’s wrong?” I attempted to search his eyes, however he shut them in one of his false grins and took a few steps toward the trail.
“It’s nothing love.”
“Miroku …”
He stopped, though his back still faced me.
“Please tell me.”
“... You’re lucky to have known her,” he confessed in a casual tone, though I could tell from his hesitance that he was straining. “I’m glad that you can look back and see her face – hear her voice … I am not a jealous man, but I must admit that I am, if only minimally, envious.”
We fell silent a moment, the monk seeming to go no further into his past. Soundlessly I slipped up behind him, winding my arms through his arms and wrapping them affectionately across his chest and abdomen. I was not tall enough to lean my head over his shoulder, so I let my forehead rest solemnly between his shoulder blades.
“… And this is why you fear for me …” I announced quietly, empathetically. “Though you’ve wanted a child, you worry of the consequences – worry that somehow I’ll pass on in childbirth as my mother has … as your mother has …”
“Hai.” Was his simple affirmation, gravely and low.
His hands reached up to grasp my own, encouraging me to tighten my embrace.
“Do not worry about me, Houshi-sama. And I do not mean that out of ungrounded assurance. I promise you I will be fine. Not to undermine our parents, but for me to succumb to something as trivial as childbirth would be in a matter of words rather anticlimactic.”
When he didn’t respond I gave him another gentle squeeze.
“Do not be afraid, Miroku. I’ve crawled out of my own death bed upon a multitude of occasions – compared to that, this should be a synch.”
I heard him give a small breathy laugh, and let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Shifting my arms I turned him around, meeting his somber gaze dead on, “Trust me. Many months from now, this child will know his haha-ue.”
Just then Miroku gave a tender smile, reaching one of his limp hands up to caress the bump between us, “I would hope so.”
“Of course.” One hand trailed up his spine to meet the base of his neck, applying pressure to make him lower his head for a delicate and chaste kiss.
We stayed like that for a moment, before he seemed to pull away as a thought struck him.
“I have something to show you,” he stated before I could question.
Curious as to what could make his eyes light up with excitement so quickly, I agreed to collect our things and be led by the monk blindfolded.
He’d taken me quite some distance, stopping in the village to dispose of the armor at Kaede’s, before taking me up the shrine stairs and off left into the woods.
“Watch your step,” he warned, holding me close and helping me across what seemed to be another staircase made of natural rock. We past a babbling creek, one I recognized from the path we once used often. Was he taking me to the well?
By the time we were twenty yards away from what I suspected was our designation, I gave an impatient huff,
“Where exactly are we going?”
“Nowhere. We’re here.”
My husband removed the scarf that was fastened around my eyes, and I blinked up in confusion at the particularly decent sized house.
“Houshi-sama – is Kaede-sama’s hut really that bothersome to you that you would seek out the wealthiest home in the village?”
“No one lives here, Sango.”
My eyebrows furrowed in confusion, “Why not? It looks brand new. Were they scared off by something?”
Miroku smirked strangely at me, “No. They travel often. The couple simply hasn’t had the time to spend in it as of yet.”
I looked over the sturdy roofs and hand-railed engawa and shrugged, “Well, they’ll be lucky when they can. In any case I doubt they would appreciate us prying at their home.”
He laughed then, and I turned to face him in confused annoyance, “Just what exactly are you – houshi-sama have you gone insane? Get off their porch!”
“Hah, Sango I’m sure they won’t mind,” he grinned at me in anticipation from the raised engawa, but gave a mix of a sigh and a laugh at my stubborn glare. “Really, I tried to have a little fun with you but I thought you would have realized by now.”
Honey eyes narrowed, “Realized what?”
The monk reached his hand behind him and slowly pried open the main shouji door. I squinted my eyes against the darkness, and the moonlight ricochet off an object very familiar to me within,
“… Hiraikotsu?”
Miroku grinned from ear to ear, “Welcome home, Sango.”
My gasp was not exaggerated, nor forced enthusiasm – but of pure shock and bewilderment. I took a few tentative steps toward the steps, placing one hand on the rail while the other attended to my gaping jaw,
“You’re certain? This is our own home?”
My husband nodded eagerly, taking my hand from the banner and leading me up, “I had the villagers work on it while we were away. I paid them of course, but they seemed rather enthusiastic nonetheless. Suppose it puts them at ease knowing there’ll be warriors permanently settled close by.”
“How did you afford this?” I asked, still awestruck upon observing the quality of the building.
“I told you I was sending earnings back to Kaede’s village. Well, this is what they have been used for … This way, Sango. I know it’s dark, but I’m a little too anxious to wait for daylight.”
He guided me around the engawa first, indicating spots surrounding the house where he’d like to place a garden, or where we could set up a clothes line. He then explained that the main, large room where hiraikotsu was being kept would be the social room for cooking and family matters, while there were three additional rooms aside it that would be used for storage and guest use for now. We anticipated they would someday be occupied by children. At the end of the small hall the rooms created was an even smaller room with a wooden door opposed to rice paper. The inside housed a large wooden tub that the room could hardly contain, a barred window on the adjacent side allowing fresh air from the outside world.
Leading me out to the porch once more, he opened another sliding shouji at the far opposite side of the house.
“And this,” he concluded rather readily. “Is our room.”
“Until the baby is old enough to leave it, you mean,” I corrected, darting my eyes around the room. It didn’t have any windows, but that would be fine if we opened the shouji often. There were a few barrels in the corner, and shelves above it stood vacant of possessions. A large futon lay not quite in the middle of the room, catching my attention by the familiar way the covers had been folded back in one corner.
I quirked in eyebrow at my husband, “Shouldn’t the futon be rolled up if it hasn’t been in use?”
“Well,” he purred, walking his hand along my side and nuzzling against my neck. “I thought we might want to break in the new house promptly.”
He gently grazed his teeth across my flesh before giving it a sloppy kiss. Despite my tinted cheeks I grinned and offered a laugh, “Ah, so the trickster reveals his true intentions.”
“I never denied them,” he retorted, nipping my neck in retaliation for the name-calling. “So you like the house?”
Reaching a hand to his short ponytail, I used it as leverage to bring his head back up to face me. Catching his lips pleasantly, I pulled back only an inch, “It’s perfect, love.”
His eyes sparkled mischievously, “Shall we then?”
“If it so pleases you, my monk, than lead the way.”
Miroku grinned and captured my lips in another enthusiastic kiss, wrapping his arms around me as tightly as he dared.
We closed the door as we would on many other occasions henceforth. In the entirety of the moment I was assured that I had a place to call my own. It wasn’t a thin paper curtain separating us from a slumbering miko, and it wasn’t a hut we were lucky to snag for a night’s vacancy. It most certainly was not the Taijiya village, but that did not matter to me as much as I had expected it to. This was a home. This was a new beginning.
I am forever grateful that Miroku has given it to me.
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