The air in the room was stagnant as I waited in silence with the twins. The day had dragged by with the sluggish pace of drizzle and had left us all in awkward silence. Discomfort was found in minimal conversation to all parties, and therefore the remnants of the day were spent in relative isolation.
I worked near the inside wall of our room, tending to Sai’s pink nose and Kaori’s loincloth soon after. Inwardly I could not help but reflect on the irony of my situation. This certainly was not my idea of adventure, but I suppose the gods would plan something of this nature as punishment for not learning my place.
Koharu …
Houshi-sama …
Roughly an hour ago the monk told me he was going to search for Hachi, since there was a break in the storm. Now it was beginning to pour again and he was not in sight. Was he still looking, or had he come back to the home but found other company … Better company …
I really tried not to think of it. I knew better, but somehow past experience kept creeping up into my subconscious. Miroku had given me his word with his hand, but … No. No buts.
My husband would never dishonor me in such a way. Not now … not on any of the times he left on a mission without my supervision … Not with strangers – not even past acquaintances … Not even when he ceases to have a significant sex life at home … Right? Right! Stop that, Sango.
I shook my head with a clenched jaw, “So not only are you making him miserable as it is, you’re going to accuse him of infidelity on self imposed doubt alone? It’s a wonder he’s still putting up with me without … without …” I sighed, closing my eyes with a deep exhale.
It took me several moments to open them again, dark flecks illuminated by the reflected gold of candlelight.
Houshi-sama did not fall in love with me on physical attraction alone. Therefore he would not leave me on the grounds of it … It was simply unnerving to see one of his former suitors again – a vibrant young girl who’d be willing to wait on him if he should ask but one simple command. She could give him what I had failed to for the past several months …
“Shimata.”
In my frustration I effortlessly backhanded an empty water canister across the room. It swerved against the tatami floor before making a hollow thunk against the opposite wall.
The noise startled Kaori and she began to cry.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I answered in a hushed tone. The infant was spooned to my shoulder where I could sooth her back and hum to her, but still she persisted to wail.
If there was a tap on the shouji I had not heard it. Instead I watched as it opened hesitantly and Koharu stuck her head in,
“Is everything alright in here?”
“Fine, thank you.”
My tone was weary. I did not want to deal with my daughter’s crying, and I most certainly did not want to deal with my husband’s stalker on top of that. But Kaori’s symptoms had echoed to her sister, and both babies were in a fit of tears again.
I leaned over to scoop up the twin, but before I could my ears were arrested by the sentence I really couldn’t stand to hear,
“O’ please. Don’t you worry, I’ll get her.”
Koharu slipped past the doorframe and tentatively crouched beside me. She went to pick up Sai and, at my yelp of worry, corrected herself with the appropriate way of holding a baby of her age. Looking over to me she mimicked my pose with Kaori and began to shush Sai.
“… Thank you,” I said, trying to weigh down my begrudging tone.
“Not a worry, Sano-san.”
“Sango.”
“Wha?”
“San-go.”
“Oh,” Koharu emitted a glow of embarrassment. “Pardon, Mrs. Sango.”
I nodded, my eyes drawn back to my still-upset daughter. My hand had eventually stilled to rubbing Kaori’s back since she had been reduced to sniffles. Sai, however, looked very uncomfortable.
“Ano … Sometimes she likes to be bounced. Not too much though- …”
The younger woman listened to my instructions gingerly until the twin was just was quiet as her sister. Not sleeping like her, but quiet. It was in this silence that we slipped into that awkward acknowledgement again. My eyes stayed on Kaori, darting up every now and then when her eyes strayed to Sai with an expression of awe and sadness.
“How … how old are they?”
“Almost seven months.”
“Wow … they’re so tiny still … and – ya’ll – I mean, Miroku-sama and you … ya’ll are … married?”
I looked up at her, though her eyes were down, and read her expression. It was nervous and flush with anxiousness, almost a little hopeful. As if she was wishing I would say no; say that I was victimized or that they were orphans …
“Houshi-sama and I have been married since last winter.”
I watched her expression change – the line of her mouth wearing thin as her eyes became glossy. I looked away, not understanding why I felt so lowly. He had picked me, after all. It was far from a forced arrangement. But still I had to suffer with the guilt of taking another woman’s first love. I had no indication whether this would snap her out of naivety or simply shatter her …
“I – I see.” She gave a pained laugh, followed by a sniffle as she brought Sai down to the bow of her arms, “Well there ain’t use in guessin’ if they’re his. This one looks exactly like him.” She smiled down at the baby, and she in turn stared up with confused indigo eyes.
Koharu then turned to the two of us as I shifted Kaori off my shoulder as well. And, without anything wittier to say, recounted, “And that one looks jus’ like you!”
“His eyes, though,” I commented, brushing back the baby’s hair.
Koharu let out an airless giggle that made me look up. She smiled with unabashed tears, “Ya’ll are so lucky …”
Lucky … Lucky?
Having your entire village slaughtered in a demon raid and family puppeted by the man who initiated the attack is not lucky.
Having your bloodline cursed with the impending notion that one day your hand will swallow you entirely and leave your successor to bare it alone is not lucky.
But … to survive? To avenge, and to conquer … and to create a new life … Perhaps there was luck in that.
“Thank you, Koharu … Indeed we are.”
There was a tap on the door and we both looked up.
“Miroku-sama!”
“Sorry to have kept you both. It was harder to find that tanuki than I had anticipated.”
“… You’re drenched.”
Miroku looked over to me and answered my redundant greeting with his own, “It’s raining.”
I contorted my expression at him in brief mockery before shifting so that Koharu could hand me Sai. With her arms free she tugged a towel from the clothesline on the other side of the room and handed it to him. He took it with gratitude and scrubbed his face and bangs in the doorway. The girl stood eagerly and obediently beside him. I could almost see an invisible tail wag at her backside.
“Why don’t you put on somethin more comfortable while I go see if supper’s cooked. Ya’ll are probably famished!”
“Ah. We’d much appreciate the meal, Koharu. Thank you.”
She giggled again and slid past him into the hallway, “Not at all, Miroku-sama! I’ll call ya’ll when it’s ready. Don’t be late!~”
“ ^_^ Okay.”
We waited. And the moment she rounded the corner we both let out heavily audible sighs with slumped shoulders.
“What was she doing in here?” he asked first, his voice lowered as he stepped inside the room and shut the shouji.
“Inquiring about your children,” I confessed. Leaning against the wall behind me I tried to wipe the incident out of my mind and off my conscience.
“Ah.”
Both daughters slept in either side of my arms, and for a brief moment I closed my eyes to rest with them. I heard the monk shift around the room and the plop of his wet robes against the floor. Then in the brief moment of silence,
“Uh – where is my …”
“In the chest over there.”
“Ah, thanks love.”
More shuffling, the creak of furniture, then the sounds of my husband donning his juban.
“That’s all she wanted to know?”
I opened one eye, “Why do you want to know?”
“I’m just curious, is all.”
“… She wanted to know if we were married,” I answered, a little more agitatedly than I had intended.
“Well then if she knows now things should be better around her.”
“…” I closed my eyes again, shrugging to myself, “I suppose they should.”
“… Something wrong, Sango?”
I remained silent for a moment, wondering if I should voice what ailed me about our situation. But as soon as I opened my mouth to speak an intruding voice interrupted me.
“Minna! Come to the main room for supper!”
Miroku tilted his head to acknowledge the voice but fixed his eyes on me in anticipation. I shut my lips, however, and shook my head,
“Never mind.”
“You’re sure?”
“Yes.”
It was his turn to shrug his shoulders. He helped to move the twins to the futon and took my hand down the hallway.
We had another uncomfortable session with Koharu to look forward to.
-*-
Three quarters of the way through a silent (aside from Koharu’s constant questioning) dinner I found my salvation in the sound of a distant cry down the hall. Placing down my bowl and chopsticks I bowed my head and began to stand,
“I should probably-”
“I should probably- … eh?”
My husband and I looked at one another, realizing that we were in the exact half-kneeling position. My eyes narrowed. There was no way he was taking this excuse to leave,
“Darling, you haven’t finished your food yet.”
“Ah, but you’ve been with them all day. I must allow you a moment of relaxation.”
“No no no~ I’m fine, really. They’re probably hungry and you most certainly can’t take care of that can you?”
Miroku opened his mouth, but nothing but a strained sound of defeat came out. It was his turn to narrow his eyes as he plopped back down into his cross-legged position,
“Well don’t hesitate to call me should you need any help…”
“Of course. Thank you for the meal Koharu – headman – Oyasuminasai.”
Bowing again I slipped past the shouji and tried ever so difficultly not to slam it while exiting.
Agh! Koharu! Must she keep babbling on and swooning like – like some flirtatious teahouse maiden?! She had no right to be asking so much of a married man’s life … ne?
I tried to calm myself while entering our room to see what the problem was. Noticing that the candle dish had submerged its wick I went over to it in an attempt to illuminate the room. As soon as that was taken care of Kaori’s sobs died down at the reassuring sight that her mother had chased away the darkness. Now that only left the fusspot: Sai.
Her cloth was wet, no big deal. Laying her above the futon covers I untied the diaper and took a fresh cloth from out of my pack, whipping her clean and refastening her clothing. She continued to cry until she at last became aware that her woes were cured. I waited patiently beside her and played with her tiny toes until she reverted to little sniffles and murmurs within her throat.
“Better?”
Two pairs of blue eyes met my question, and they both simultaneously sniffled. At this I cracked a smile. Leaning down I placed kisses on the duck-feathered hair of their foreheads and stood. The canteen was empty and I would need water to clean their puffy eyes and noses. Retrieving it I wrapped the strap around my wrist and exited the room for the small well on the other side of the home.
By now the sky was quiet now, though clouds still blocked the stars. In silence I drew the water and funneled it into the small opening. It wasn’t until I placed the bucket back on the ground that I noticed a faint but insistent voice growing closer in proximity.
Uncertain, even a bit curious, I toed over to the side of the house so that I would not be seen by whoever was entering the engawa.
“But if you would only-”
“Koharu, you know that the life we lead is dangerous. Even worse that we have defenseless infants in look after.”
“I know I know but I will not be a burden! I promise!”
My pulse leapt in my throat. It was houshi-sama and Koharu, and from what I could tell, in the midst of a heated argument. The headman was presumably gone, and one of the two on the engawa was pacing rather rapidly.
“Koharu – you don’t know what you’re asking me. If Sango –”
“Don’t worry a bit about Mrs. Sango. I like her – I do. She’ll learn to like me back if ya’ll just give me time!”
What was going on? Oh how I wished I could just peek over and see their expressions, their mannerisms – but I couldn’t dare risk being seen during … during whatever this was. Instead I clutched the canteen close to my bosom and attempted to make my breathing a little less shallow.
“You … You don’t understand … I … No. I can’t …”
Silence … then the sound of small footfalls.
“Miroku-sama. I haven’t a soul in the world to take care of … It’s not unnatural or unheard of at all. Please. I wanna be your bride.”
The canteen slipped from my fingers – the gasp uttered before I could even suppress it. And, in fear of being discovered, I bolted around the corner of the hut. My heart pounded wildly against its cage.
No.
No no no no no.
He couldn’t have been talking about- … She couldn’t have suggested- …
A fair distance away I ducked behind a tree and sunk my back against the bark down to the wet grass below. My chest heaved in a terrible frenzy. I clutched my top to try and steady my uncontrollable panic but had little luck.
There was no way I could have imagined that.
Koharu had asked to be Miroku’s bride.
Though it was more common in royalty, polygamy was not altogether unfamiliar in these parts. We had encountered a fair share of men wed to multiple wives in our travels. In the past it would give Miroku a little giggle at the ‘wonderful’ thought, but it always ended with him wearing that sorry grin and my palm stinging. I had thought he would only tease about such a topic but … but … He had actually considered it?
Feeling my eyes begin to well up I bent to hide my face in the knees drawn up to my chest.
This was a nightmare.
It was all my fault.
Because I have been less active than in the past he has grown bored with me. And now, when opportunity presents itself, he’s considering …
“Oh gods,” I burst out a sob, my heart shriveling at the thought.
This was my thanks for baring him children?
This was my thanks for loyalty?
I gave up the life I knew to cater to his- … to our whim for a family. And now he gets to indulge …
Though … he had said no … I’m almost positive he said no to her.
I raised my head at this. He sounded like he was having trouble disagreeing – but maybe I still had a chance to strengthen his decision.
I stood, wiping my eyes, and decided it was safe to venture back to the well to retrieve my canteen. I took a moment to clean my mussed over face, another to relax, and another to walk around the building and enter through the opposite hallway.
I was almost ashamed to meet my husband’s gaze when I returned to our room. He was on his stomach beside the babies, one of his fingers caught in Sai’s grip while Kaori gummed his other. He regarded me with sincere eyes and a hesitant tone,
“Were you long?”
I shook my head, quietly getting another clean cloth and wetting it to dab at their soft faces as they squirmed and squinshed their eyes. Before I could draw the hand away Miroku withdrew his hands from his daughters and clasped mine with his own. I silently allowed him to think, my eyes fixed impassively on our hands.
“Sango … You know I love you.”
“I love you too, husband.” My honey eyes darted up to see his brows sink almost painfully. Perhaps he did not want to hear that particular title at the moment, but I did. Reaching with my other hand I drew his up to my lips and planting a light kiss on his knuckles, looking at him through thick lashes,
“We’ve been together long enough for me to trust you on that entirely.”
Our gaze locked for a long while, and I watched an inner struggle wage on within the depths of his navy eyes. It was only interrupted when the squeak of an infant yawn met our ears. He tucked them into their blankety basket while I stripped down to my white juban and crawled into bed.
I watched him from my pillow as he worked out a few kinks in his back and rolled his shoulders. His eyes caught mine with mild curiosity when he finished massaging the back of his neck. Those lovable eyes … those features hued in the glow of dim candlelight …
Call me selfish if you will. But there is no possible way on earth I would ever be willing to share him.
This was the man I devoted my life to, who I planned to grow old beside. I would not allow another woman to partake in the spoils that I had rightfully won – not without a fight.
Quietly he sunk into bed next to me, tugging up the covers to his chest and laying his hands back down to his sides. He gave his typical last yawn before sleep, but jumped a little when it was interrupted by feminine arms wrapping around his middle. He opened one cobalt eye again curiously,
“I thought you liked spooning.”
“I do,” I offered, stretching slightly to blow out the candle beside our bed, “This has nothing to do with spooning.”
“No?”
“No.”
Under the dying wisps of the flame I let my determination flare through my gaze.
Tonight I vowed to teach him that in the matters of love I could be both generous and selfish.
Right now, I just needed him to stop asking questions and allow me to explain through my own means.
----------
Hearing his breathing become slightly less shallow I picked up my head to look at him. Not before spotting the red and purple lesion I’d left on his neck, however. I was about to apologize, but reading his expression I decided that he probably didn’t mind. It was a token of the night, something for him to touch upon for the next week or so and be reminded that … that what?
‘That he is mine.’
… I wonder if I should find it ironic that youkai claim their mates with a bite to the neck. Life would be much easier if humans would partake in the same ritual. At least that way I wouldn’t have to defend my territory against scamps like- … Huh…?
I looked down as bright cobalt eyes finally opened to find mine. To my utter shock, they were glassy and uncertain. My heart clenching at the sight, I swept up my hands to caress either side of his face,
“Miroku, what is this? Why are you – …”
“Sango …” His muscular arms moved to wrap securely around my frame, hugging me close with tender affection while he thought in stillness.
“Miroku … Please tell me what’s wrong.”
I listened to him take a deep breath and release it just as easily, “I know you heard us. And I know you’re doing this because of it.”
In silence I couldn’t answer him, simply allowed him to tuck his face against my neck.
“I’m disappointed that you still have not let go of your grievances with my past, and disappointed that you did not hear my response to her offer, but I denounce all this for your willingness to make me happy.”
“You … you told her no?” was all I could offer. I felt entirely guilty of accusing him of his old way. I knew we were passed that and I knew that my lack of trust in his loyalty wounded him deeply. My, how times had changed …
“Of course I told her no. Why any man would want another woman when he has you is beyond me.” Picking up his head he regarded me genuinely. Taking my left hand from his face, he placed it above his pounding chest,
“No woman has ever made me feel this alive, koibito – and no other woman ever will. I have one heart, and so do you. That bond can never be shared with another.”
My vision blurred with tears for a moment, but I blinked them back while nodding, “Un … Arigato, anata.”
He gave a faint smile and added, with obvious suppressed
reluctance, “As such, do not feel pressure into … obliging all your wifely duties. I can manage if you are uncomfortable with it now.”
At this I blinked, dumfounded. How could he think I didn’t enjoy that? Even at the thought I felt a phantom wave of relief, and startled myself into remembering that we were still connected. An awkward blush crawling across my flesh, I shook my head with a sheepish smile,
“Do not worry about that, houshi-sama … I actually – well … I-It felt better this time … I only thought that I would be less pleasing to you, and it made me weary self-consciously.”
His ‘tsk’ reverberated against my hand and I yelped when he suddenly rolled us over. This time I was pinned, and he loomed over me with that mocking but warm expression,
“You do not displease me. Your muscles may have receded during your hiatus, but that doesn’t make you any less beautiful. You’re soft, like any other woman. And I will make it my personal mission to show you how wonderful you are over and over and over again until the message is engrained in your mind. Starting now.”
I giggled in light resistance as he attacked my neck with butterfly kisses and puckering noises. But as he became more serious I wrapping my arms around him and toyed with his ponytail, sighing gratefully,
“Don’t ever leave me.”
“Never.”
“I love you.”
He took my hands in his and slipped them above my head, leaning down to kiss me tenderly, “I love you, too, koishii.”
-*-
The next morning we would leave before dawn.
Koharu’s only farewell was an ofuda left on our futon.
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^ ^ I love this one and I love you ~ heart Also your writing has gotten even more wonderful . . and now im curious on what you had before editing xp