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Before the Battle
An early owl hooted as the fiery sky began to darken in the twilight. Today had been rather uneventful, houshi-sama having left at sunrise to attend some conference a group of traveling monks pleaded with him to go to. Shippo had begged to have Kirara to play with for the day, seeing as Kagome wouldn’t come back for another two days. She hasn’t been to her era much lately, but when she does go she tends to be gone around a week.
I decided to do my usual routine once I had free time, which would be train. I practiced my katas from when houshi-sama left to sometime after the height of the sun at noon. I wasn’t so much a fool to not take advantage of the situation, however. The high temperature and harsh exercises proved to be overwhelming considering the restricting black fabric of my armor. After a near collapse I thought I’d earned a pleasant and private swim in the nearby river. Afterwards I donned my yukata and traveling skirt to aid Kaede-sama while picking herbs.
“Will ye be leaving soon to stray back to houshi-dono’s side, child?” the old miko pondered out loud, having known from experience that once I caught a glimpse of my fiancé nearby I often found a justification to leave. I looked back at her, guilty at being figured out. With a small smile and shake of the head I placed another herb within her basket, “No such thing today, Kaede-sama. Houshi-sama is away on business.”
“Oh?” her old voice questioned, shifting to face a side of the garden more inhabited by vegetables, “Are ye certain that this is so, or has he made another excuse to chase skirts?” My actions faltered slightly at the thought, the memories of our previous catastrophe so fresh in my mind. It may have just been my imagination, but the healing bite wound on my shoulder seemed to burn in phantom pain.
Despite my wavering reassurance I replied in a low tone, “I have trust in his word.”
Kaede’s good eye traveled to glance at my back, to which was now turned to her, “Ah, so his mouth speaks the truth nowadays.” She paused to tap at her tensed shoulder while I inwardly reflected upon the falsehood of her statement. “So, Sango … Kagome has told me a great deal of what has happened on the traveling roads,” the miko continued to uproot a large vegetable, “Are ye truly in love with this cursed houshi?”
My breath caught at the question, knowing full well that Kaede’s wisdom and my terrible ability to lie were a potent combination. My head dropped slightly in a hesitant nod, “Aye me, I have for a long while now.” The elder woman nodded, “I thought as much. Tell me, child; have ye told this to him face to face?”
I glanced over to her then back down, “I assume he would know by now.”
Kaede shrugged in response, “It is one thing to assume he knows, and another to give him the gratification of hearing it.”
I sat there speechlessly staring at the ground, contemplating her perception. Finally I managed to accumulate my voice into a shaky response,
“I-it’s … not that simple. I can’t just … it’s too soon. What if he …”
I quieted at meeting the older woman’s piercing gaze.
“I see it as quite the opposite, child. With all the scares houshi-dono has given us these past few weeks, me thinks such a confession on ye part is just the thing he desperately needs. And from the grief ye displayed at his near deathbed, I see it is something ye necessitate as well.”
My heart fluttered at the recollection she brought back. When houshi-sama had consumed Magatsuhi’s shouki and overextended the kazaana – I nearly thought it was the end. And sitting by his side in Kaede’s storage shred, listening to nothing but the restless sound of the curse, I felt so utterly defenseless and void of feeling. I’d honestly believed that the kiss I had placed on his unconscious lips was the last kiss goodbye.
Thinking back on one of the most bittersweet moments of my life had me slipping into the melancholy state I often found myself in these days.
“Is that honestly how you see it, Kaede-sama?”
“Aye.” Was her blatant remark. However as she observed my transformed atmosphere she cleared her throat and took on a casual tone, “Of course ye do not need to regard my advice. After all, I am a loveless old priestess.” She chuckled raggedly, something I should have participated in had I not been so consumed in my thoughts.
The elderly woman’s opinion kept echoing to me. ‘Should I?’ I questioned the contours of my mind. Reluctantly I admitted that now would be as good a time as any – if not the time. With the final battle against Naraku coming so near I was uncertain of the future. If one of us shouldn’t make it out alive …
I shuddered gravely at the thought and immediately dismissed it. One shouldn’t think so negatively when hopes of togetherness are so close at hand. Even still …
It was now or never.
With a sigh I uprooted another herb and placed it in the basket. The sun was now sloping down behind the mountaintops, lighting the village in an indigo shade of warning. I stood on tired legs and brushed the dry dirt off of my skirt, then turned to take my leave.
“Just a moment, Sango.”
As I glanced back Kaede patted down the last of the crops in a basket and lifted it up to me. I reached out for it questionably.
“Ye are lodging in the vacant hut again, ne? Houshi-dono will be famished upon arriving tonight.”
Catching onto the notion of ‘fend for yourself’ I bowed my head in appreciation and headed back towards the hut we shared.
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The fire crackled busily at the center of the hut and illuminated it in a warm glow. I sat next to it in silence, absently stirring at the brewing stew. Observing how it simmered relentlessly I scattered a pinch of salt across, trying to calm the food before it impatiently boiled over.
‘Hopefully Houshi-sama will be back soon,’ I mused jadedly. ‘Otherwise the food is going to get too soft.’
Turning back to the ingredients that still lay by my side I bundled them up and placed them at the corner of the hut where my pack and hiraikotsu lay. Sitting again I took the spoon out from the pot and tested the quality of the stew. Discontent with the texture I decided to leave it be for a while.
In the back of my mind I was relieved that cooking was able to distract me from more pressing issues. It was nice to make something for once instead of relying on Kagome-chan’s premade instant meals – the ones where you just needed to add hot water.
I gazed over my shoulder and out the window, where the stars were just barely visible over the rooftops adjacent to the hut. I was only vaguely aware that I was fidgeting, the spoon in my grasp tapping hastily against my thigh. I just couldn’t stand how my thoughts always seemed to gravitate towards the houshi.
Wondering if he’s alright, and why he’s so late to return – If he’ll be happy to see me, and how his conference with the monks went.
I sighed in aggravation, scowling at myself for being so worrisome. Scooting back from the fire I leaned against the wall and wrapped my arms around my knees. In the silence it seemed as if my heartbeat was louder than ever, and it was the thoughts of him I had to blame.
“It is one thing to assume he knows, and another to give him the gratification of hearing it.”
My hand unconsciously came to rest against my lips when today’s conversation floated back to me. ‘He’s said something to me along those lines before.’ Closing my eyes I stretched and combed my hands through my auburn hair lazily. ‘What should I do …’
It is obvious that houshi-sama knows I am in love with him, but it has always been an unspoken acknowledgement that I am scared to death of touching. This man is unpredictable, and if he should react in some manner I am not prepared for…
“I can’t say it …” I whimpered frailly to the emptiness of the hut.
I brought my cool hands over to cover my flushed face. It was ridiculous how three small words seemed to mean the difference between life and death. Of course it was a saying I use very scarcely, a saying made so cliché by shallow people who see love as nothing more than a passing fetish. This simple reason alone is what keeps me from confessing – fearing that the love houshi-sama claims to have for me is not the same I hold for him.
Unguardedly I slouched down the wall to lay on my back, staring up at the ceiling with crestfallen eyes, “Why is it love when all I feel is pain …”
“What was that, now?”
My body went rigid against the floorboards, utterly terrified. I watched the shakujo slip into the room and push the hanging door aside. Miroku followed, glancing around confusedly until spotting me lying rather displaced against the wall.
Quirking an eyebrow he questioned amusedly, “Comfy?”
I didn’t answer, instead picked myself up and passed him to sit by the fire again. He watched me with a perplexed look still etched on his face.
“Did I hear you say something before I entered?”
“N-no.” The answer was spat out too quickly, and I lowered my eyes to escape his acute gaze. Desperate to find something to occupy myself with I reached for the bowls set aside the fire and began to dispense the stew.
“Here,” I stammered, holding out a serving and chopsticks for him. He placed his staff next to hiraikotsu and sat down across the fire pit.
“Much obliged,” he commented, extending his arms to grasp the bowl. Upon exchanging our hands brushed together, the mere innocent act having my heart stir and I immediately drew back. Though my eyes stared intently at the fire I could feel his on me, unnerving me beyond comprehension.
“Is everything alright, Sango?”
“H-hai, houshi-sama. I’m just a little – stressed. That’s all,” I still wouldn’t look at him; I just couldn’t for some reason. “How … how did the conference go?”
He took a bite of his food and thought, “Nothing extravagant. It was mostly a ceremony for apprentices, schooling them on how they are not to impose on others and such.” He gave a small chuckled before he continued. “However, I did meet up with a more older generation of houshi who passed onto me a few scrolls that we may find very interesting if you care to look.”
If there was a sexual innuendo in there I hadn’t caught it, having been too captivated with the firelight to observe the flirtatious expression he held. He must have thought the same too, and with the subject forgotten the hut filled with silence. I didn’t mind it much, having time to collect my thoughts and eat a little. He’d placed his bowl down after mine, the clank of it against the wood my only indication. But his calm softened voice followed.
“Sango, come here.”
I looked up just then, taken back and unsure as he held out his arms in a welcoming gesture. I was hesitant to comply, suspicious of whatever his actions may be. However, there was something in the kindness of his eyes that had my feet slowly moving to the other end of the fire pit.
Houshi-sama directed for me to sit, my perplexity evident in my expression as he grasped my shoulder and softly turned my back to him. The confusion lifted when he brought his other hand to my left shoulder and began to knead. Despite his ministrations my muscles tensed, spine going rigid.
“H-houshi-sama, n-nani …?”
“You said you were stressed. I can think of no better way to relieve said tension. Well – I could, but I believe you would pummel me into the ground merely suggesting it.” He laughed lightly in conclusion.
I blushes a deep crimson, unable to think of anything to do, anything to say. I just sat there stiffly and silent, my nerves and stomach in a crazed frenzy.
He chuckled again, and I nearly trembled at the proximity of his hot breath against my ear, “You know it kind of defeats the purpose if you remain so edgy, Sango.”
I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply, desperate to calm my heartbeat. “G-gomen nasai.”
Thinking it in vain I attempted to relax my muscles, the action slouching my back to where it rested lightly on the houshi’s chest.
“That’s better,” he cooed softly, his hands now working in a different pattern.
Was he doing this on purpose? What did he have to gain other than the satisfaction of torturing me? This supposedly soothing act did nothing more than provoke my quivering breath and racing pulse. It was utterly maddening. Could he feel me shaking in his grasp?
“Tell me, love. What exactly is it that has you so worked up?”
I swallowed hard, trying to find my voice, “Oh, you know … just – the final battle and all.” I hesitated and began again in a wavering voice, “Kaede-sama gave me some advice today that has had my thoughts reeling ever since.” It already felt as if I had said too much.
“Advice about what?” He inquired. His thumb pressed against a tender area below my shoulder blade and I arched in response. The act seemed to intrigue him.
“W-well …” I had a hard time keeping my mind clear and phrasing my words so I didn’t give anything away. “She … she just said that we should … take care of whatever needs to be taken care of before the battle. Just in case …”
As I trailed off he seemed to shake his head, “What little faith Kaede-sama has in us.”
Leave it to the man who’s been on his deathbed more than once to be so optimistic.
I worried my lip before asking tentatively, “Ano .. do you think we should anyway?”
I felt him shrug against me, “If you wish to do so I have no qualms against it. As for me, I’ve lived an interesting life, will be risking it all to release my family from Naraku’s curse, and I’m currently holding onto the woman I love. I do not think there is much else to take care of.”
He said it so easily! Like an instinctive roll of the tongue. Is it that he has no need to hide it, or simply because it is a term he practices often …
I found my courage once again dwindling.
I just wanted to know.
As the grip of his fingers got softer and softer I gathered my nerve. When my hand came up to timidly lay over his right he finally stilled, the room seeming the quietest it’s ever been. Bracing myself I unhurriedly shifted to face him, intent on getting a genuine answer. Hazel eyes bore intensely into those of navy. It was in those eyes I nearly forgot my initiative, too fixated in their depth.
Miroku stared back at me, vaguely appearing to be waiting for something.
My heart thudded heavily in my throat as I fought for words, “Why- … why do you say such things?”
“Say what, Sango?”
I believe this was one of the only conversations I’ve had with him where my eyes haven’t travel to anything aside from his. It made me all the more nervous. Too panicked to phrase my words I blurted it out plainly,
“Why do you say that you love me?”
He stared down at me with an unusual look, quiet. It was hard to breathe, seeing that expression. Kami, what is he thinking …?
“Is there something wrong with a man expressing his feeling towards the woman he cares for?”
“N-no. It’s just …” my voice was quivering as I scrambled for speech, “Do you really mean it?” My skin felt overheated from the extensive blush.
“What makes you think I wouldn’t?” there was something in his tone I didn’t like. But perhaps it was only there because he didn’t like whatever I was saying.
“Because … because …” My voice was becoming smaller and smaller, “You say it so easily – at any time you please. At times … I wonder if …” My eyes finally pulled away from his, not daring to look any further. However his fingers came to rest against my chin and drew me back to his gaze. Those sapphire eyes were blazing with such a severe heat.
“Just because you don’t confess your feelings doesn’t mean I cannot, Sango.”
It was a stern, criticizing remark that had my heart bleeding.
I stared back in awe. So he knew – but more so, he seemed agitated that he knew. Was it honestly so wrong that I never told him? I had every right in the world not to! Anger started to rise in my abdomen.
“Forgive me for trying to protect myself.”
He narrowed his eyes in a mix of suspicion and curiosity. They increased my feelings of misery as I revealed my grave troubles – things I vowed to always keep to myself.
“Sure it’s fine for you to say you love me – you’re houshi-sama! The flirtatious monk who gets whatever he wants from whoever he wants. You could say ‘I love you’ to me and again to some chance village girl you’ve just stumbled across! If you call that love you’ve sure fooled me!”
My voice hiccupped as I wiped away a traitorous tear.
“Any woman with a sane mind wouldn’t confess to having feeling for you. Because then it would be so easy for you to play with their emotions – to toy this way or that until you’re close to the brink of shattering them! I won’t play your games, houshi. I just can’t …”
As the crescendo of my argument came around more tears began to fall. I was afraid enough to back down all together. But I locked my eyes with his, my heart on my sleeve.
“Houshi-sama … I love you – but you’ll ruin me. One way or another.”
When I laced my fingers with those of his right hand he knew of what I spoke. He gazed deeply at me, and I was unsure of whose soul was cracking. The real Miroku was showing his careworn face, serious and raw – unlike the sanguine mask he so often wore.
“Patience.”
The word took me off guard, and I blinked at him puzzled.
“It’s as if you turn a blind eye towards my efforts. Can you recall one instance in these past few weeks where I was unfaithful to you?”
I froze, stunned, and thought of a response, “Just the other day you were excited at finding a new way to attract women.” Kagome had given us a box of that ’Pocky’ stuff from her time, and Miroku had thought of a couple of ways to use it to his advantage.
He recalled the occasion and smirked arrogantly, “But did I go through with the idea? From what I remember it was you who I spent my time wooing with those delectable treats.”
I blushed, my mouth forming a silent ‘oh’ upon recollection.
He calming went on, “I am changing, Sango – it may be subtle but it is there. If I should ever bring about my bad habits it is merely to see that frustrated look of yours. Forgive me, but I do so enjoy teasing you.”
My eyebrows lowered in contemplation, and I was biting my lip again. This sounded like his typical excuse, but he wouldn’t dare lie to me considering the delicacy of the subject. Perhaps he had always been telling the truth …
“And as for this,” he began, squeezing the hand that was still linked to his right, “Soon this curse will be nothing more than a memory.” His smile was confident and strangely reassuring.
I’d never felt so guilty in my life.
“Houshi-sama, I …”
“No no, it’s alright.”
His left arm swooped around my waist and drew me closer to his lap. Startled by the nearness I released his hand to rest both against his chest. I glanced up at him anxiously, feeling small as his arms engulfed me. He only smiled at me before tucking my head underneath his chin. Leaning into his collarbone I exhaled shakily, completely surrounded by the houshi’s embrace.
“I’m sorry, Sango.”
I started at the apology, wondering why on earth he voiced it.
“I shouldn’t have criticized you. It was not my license to make you say something you did not want to.”
With a small hesitation I shook my head and pulled back to look at him once more.
“Don’t ask for forgiveness,” I told him in a weak tone. “I – was planning on telling you for a while now. Just-” I paused with an embarrassed laugh, “not like this.”
Shrinking under his gaze I escaped it again, apparently finding his shoulder more interesting as I rested against it.
Houshi-sama chuckled and kissed the top of my head, “When he’s gone.”
I blushed as one of his hands began to comb through my hair. I managed a small ‘hm?’ from my throat.
“Once Naraku is gone, I’ll have you as my bride.”
My heart fluttered at his words, enthralled that he remembered our promise. With all that had been happening lately I hadn’t realized how close we were to obtaining our goal. At a loss for words I asked foolishly, “Do you really mean it?”
“On my word as a man of honor.” I felt his grip tighten somewhat, and I smiled affectionately in response. My pervious malice was long forgotten, replaced by the languid calmness of being in the arms of the one I love. He did away with the silence, his soft voice lulling me into a state of tranquility.
“Just a few moments of hardship and it will all be over. We could get married the moment we finish, granted nothing unexpected occurs after Naraku’s demise.”
((Hahah ha ha :Stare: ))
I laughed lightly while my arms finally came up to encircle his shoulders, “I’d like that.”
The houshi grinned and leaned in close to my ear, “And after that we’re going to have a family. Twenty or more little flirtatious fighters resembling their papa. Ne, my love?”
I nodded absently against his shoulder, “Whatever you say, houshi-sama.”
“Can we start now?”
I sobered up when his hand slipped from my waist and lowered.
“Absolutely not!” I berated, peeling his hand away from my bottom with a scowl.
That mischievous glint was back in his eyes, and I’m afraid it had become quite contagious.
Turning from houshi-sama’s playfully disappointed expression to the gathering ominous clouds outside the window, I sighed in preparation.
It was going to be a long week.
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Community Member
i really enjoyed this one dear mrgreen