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by Heather Corinna

"One of the biggest misnomers about sexuality in our culture is that vaginal intercourse is "going all the way," and is some sort of final goal to sexuality, which is unfortunate... and untrue. This idea has contributed to a whole lot of confusion and disappointment for many who have first intercourse, and wonder where the fireworks and trumpets were, or why it wasn't all they thought it would be.

Sexuality has many, many different forms and facets, and we can explore it in a number of ways all of our lives. p***s-to-v****a intercourse is only one. But if you're considering having intercourse for the first time, there are a lot of things you and your partner need to know and evaluate, especially if you're coming into it thinking it is the culmination or finale of your sexuality. Thhis checklist is applicable for just about any form of sexual activity, especially those in which there is a risk of pregnancy. Take stock, and get real!

Reality Check
Intercourse will not necessarily do any of the following for you:

* Guarantee a longer or closer relationship
* Give you an orgasm, or mind-blowing pleasure
* Feel great the first time, or feel like hell in a handbasket, either
* Give you status with your friends
* Make you more mature, or grown-up, or a "real" man or woman

There is a lot to think about when deciding if it is right for you and your partner to have vaginal intercourse for the first time. Here are a few basic questions to ask yourself, and to ask your partner.

Why do I want to do this?
If either of you wants to do it because you feel you must or should, or because one of you is pressuring the other, or you're getting pressure from friends, or if you're having troubles in your relationship and you think sex will fix it, stop right there; wake up and smell the double-latte. You're completely off-base. Another thing to give you pause might be if you're fantasizing about sex based on movies or television: remember how in Tom and Jerry cartoons, Tom could hit a wall and walk away from it just fine, and you knew that wouldn't work in real life? Same goes with a lot of sex in movies and television; it isn't often as it appears. Also, if you simply want to unburden yourself of your virginity with no one in particular, you might want to think again. In most studies, near any woman who has handled it that way felt terrible later.

On the other hand, if you've been with your partner a while, and have a solid level of other sexual experience (including kissing, petting, masturbation, and oral or manual sex), you feel you can trust yourself and your partner with limits; if you're looking to explore your sexual relationship responsibly and sensitively, and for some greater intimacy with no notion it is guaranteed, and a firm grip on reality, read on.

Who do I want to do this for?
If it's for you, and your partner as well as you, then okay. But if it is for someone else primarily, and not for yourself, stop now. They have hands and fingers. They know how to use them to get off, and you can rest assured they've been using them long before you came along. Sex with someone else shouldn't be about self-gratification; that's what masturbation is for. If your friends are saying you should, with no understanding of your relationship, or your own needs, they're being crappy friends. Nine times out of ten, a lot of friends who pressure their friends to have sex do so because they don't feel all that good about their own choices, and want to hide behind endorsing sex to make themselves feel better. Tell them to carry their own baggage, not try and pass it off on you.

What do I expect from intercourse?
It's smart to take stock of what your expectations are, and hold them against the real situation. Talk to a friend who has had intercourse who is really honest with you (or an older sibling or family member) about what you expect, and listen to their own experiences. Do a reality check. The truth is, if you have a list as long as Santa's of expectations, it isn't very likely they'll be met. Often, the less we expect, the more we often receive. Intercourse isn't a miracle cure for anything, and it isn't a fireworks show: it can be a wonderful, natural affirmation of intimacy, and an excellent physical and emotional experience as long as you're ready for it, and take it at face value, without romanticizing it or imagining it to be something it is not. Bear in mind the following: a good 30% of people never have sex again with the partner they lose their virginity to. Only about 25% of women usually report enjoying first intercourse physically (though many more enjoy it on an emotional level), and less than 8% report orgasm from first intercourse. Those bummers most likely had to do with being ill-prepared in general, simply not knowing the basics, and overall, with unrealistic expectations. Am I really prepared to handle all aspects of intercourse?

There's a lot to handle; probably more than you think. Here are what we see as the basics for what you need materially, physically, emotionally and in your relationship for your first time to be enjoyable, safe, physically gratifying, and emotionally sound. Make a checklist for yourself that includes these items, and check them as they are true."

"The Big Checklist::

Material Items:

* I have several up-to-date, good quality latex condoms, and both I and my partner know how to use them.
* I have a large bottle of latex-safe, water-soluble lubricant (KY Jelly, Astroglide, Wet, etc.).
* I have a secondary method of birth control for use with condoms.
* I have a towel, and a stock of menstrual pads.
* I have a list of local clinic or gynecologist phone numbers.
* I have a savings account I can use myself at any time (preferably, with a pad of $500), and I have a "sex budget" of about $50 per month to take care of birth control, safer sex items and annual testing and sexual health care.
* I am covered under a health insurance policy, which can cover pregnancy, neonatal care, gynecological visits, STD testing and/or birth control, or I have the funds to pay for these services.

We'll get to the first three items in the next article, but the last three items are what you will need to deal with potential disease, illness, infections or pregnancy, just for starters. There is no sex, save masturbation -- no matter how long you and your partner have known each other, or what you have convinced yourself of -- that does not carry some risks, no matter how safe you play it. If you haven't checked all the items in that list, take care of that first.

Physical Items:

* I have had regular doctor checkups, disease and infection testing, and am in good health, and my partner has had regular doctor checkups, disease and infection testing, and is in good health.
* I understand my own anatomy and my partners anatomy, as well as the basics of vaginal intercourse, STDs, STIs and human reproduction.
* I can tell when I am sexually aroused, and also know when I am not, what I need to be aroused, or when I simply cannot get aroused.
* I can relax during sexual practices without fear, anxiety or shame.
* I can handle a mild level of physical pain.

Relationship Items:

* I am able to create limits (to say no when I want to) and can trust my partner to respect them at all times.
* I can assess what I want for myself, and separate it from what my partner, friends or family want.
* I am able to trust my partner, and am trustworthy myself.
* I can tell my partner easily what I want sexually and emotionally, and when I do and do not like something.
* I can talk to my partner about sex comfortably, and be honest and forthright, and they can do the same with me.
* I care about my partner's health, emotions and general well-being, and act accordingly.

Emotional Items:

* I don't have any strong religious, cultural or family beliefs or convictions that sex for me, right now, is wrong.
* I can take full responsibility for my own emotions, expectations and actions.
* I can handle being disappointed, confused, or upset.
* I have a member of my family I can talk to about sex, and friends I can go to for emotional support.
* I can separate sex from love, and do not seek to have sex to use it to manipulate myself, my partner, or anyone else.
* I understand that having intercourse could change my relationship for good or for the worse, and feel I can handle whatever may happen.
* I feel I can emotionally handle a possible pregnancy, disease or infection, or rejection from my partner.

One of the items on the list that gets a lot of balking is having a family member you can talk to. However, bear in mind that if you are a minor, your parent is still legally responsible for you. That means that in the event of any serious health or medical problems, legal issues, or even when you visit a clinic, they have full rights to all information, and to choices made on your behalf. Take a minute to honestly think of the very big secrets you've been able to hide from your parents all your life -- there aren't very many, are there? You can rest assured, you most likely won't be able to keep your sex life a secret, and to treat your family fairly, you shouldn't. They care about you, and in caring back for them you owe them the honesty required so that they can do their best for you. It may be hard at first, but I can promise you it'll be much less hard than if you surprise them with an STD, pregnancy or other problem out of nowhere.

Some things were not included. For instance, I didn't say you needed to be able to insist on using a condom if your partner didn't want to use one, because a partner who doesn't want to take good care of both of you isn't one you should be sleeping with. It's really that simple. Toss the checklist to your partner too: talk about the items on it. You may find that simply discussing the reality of the situation makes a big difference for both of you. A lot of sex is innate and intuitive, and it is perfectly normal to feel driven by our libido and our emotions, but it isn't okay to ignore good sense and responsible behavior because of those feelings and desires.
That's a lot to look at isn't it? Here's the deal: there isn't a statute of limitations on your sex life, and it doesn't begin or end with intercourse. You can initiate any level of it at any time during your life, and change what you want to do as you go along, determining at any time what is best for you, and for your partner(s). If you haven't checked almost all of the things on those lists, take a look at the ones you didn't check and try and figure out what you need to do for yourself right now. There is no reason to set yourself up for a fall, or rush into something that won't be enjoyable or rewarding, when it isn't going to go away if you wait. Be honest with yourself, and above all else, do what is right for YOU."
http://www.scarleteen.com/sexuality/readiness_2.html

I posted "The Big Checklist" for anyone who wants to use it, although, I have to admit that I do not think everything on there is actually necessary. I'll even go so far as to say that some of it is downright pointless, but the overall idea is good.

If you are wondering if you are ready for sex, you can make a similar checklist with what you think will be important. If you are comfortable, you could ask a parent, health teacher, or doctor to help you add to your checklist.

What do I think is necessary?

1. At least one method of birth control (the pill, the shot, condoms, etc.) that you know how to use unless you actually want to get pregnant.

2. A method of STD protection (usually male latex condoms) if either person has done anything sexual and has not been tested.

3. Ob-gyn visits. Family Planning and Planned Parenthood will give you an exam as well as birth control for free or a low price if you are low income. You can go if you do not have insurance and even if you are underage and do not have your parent's permission.

4. An understanding of birth control, anatomy, and pregnancy. That includes knowing when you are in the mood and when there is enough natural lubrication. If there isn't enough, try foreplay or store bought, water-based lubricant.

5. A certain level of comfort. If you're very nervous, maybe you're not ready.

6. The ability to talk openly with your partner. If you are the type to ask, "How should I give my boyfriend oral sex?" maybe you aren't ready. Being ready involves being able to talk to your partner and ask them what works for them and what does not.

7. The ability to handle a pregnancy accident if birth control fails. This means being able to think quick and telling someone. It might involve emergency contraception, an abortion, adoption, or raising a child. That's up to you, but you will have to be able to make the decision, and maybe make it quickly. Both people should talk about this "what if" before engaging in sex.

8. Knowing that you're ready, not wondering.

9. Knowing that it won't necessarily bring you closer together or solve any problems that you have. Also being able to accept the fact that you two might not last forever, and that's ok. Just because you don't last forever, you do not have to regret the time that you did spend together and the things that you did share.