• Turmoil seems around every corner.
    Is there a way to escape it?
    I think not.
    I live in fear every day.
    Do not tell me to think positive.
    The word has little or no meaning to me now.
    I am just trying to Survive.

    Can you Grasp the need for Minute-to-minute Survival?
    I wonder.
    You all sit in your cozy little chairs,
    In your quiet little minds,
    And wonder what to eat for the day.
    I, on the other hand, Sit in tension all of the time,
    Wondering if this is the time that I go over the edge.
    Do you sit and look around every little corner,
    To see if that one person is lurking there?
    Certainly not.
    People would think you crazy.
    But what if that lurking person lived inside you?
    What if he or she had the force to destroy you
    And all that you know and love?
    Could you sit in your cozy little chair and not worry?
    I wonder,
    And yet that is just what you expect me to do.

    Weariness is a part of every day.
    The ones on the inside grow stronger.
    You tell me to fight.
    What if there is no fight left?
    Can you not understand weariness?
    Can you not understand fear for one's self or sanity?
    No,
    These things are far from your imaginations.
    But let me tell you this is what I live with every day.

    Hope,
    You say.
    "Have Hope."
    The word sounds wonderful.
    I'll try,
    But remember please,
    My war never stops.
    Some of "my" people never sleep.
    They thrive on fear.
    My fear especially.

    Please do not judge,
    You have not been in my place.
    You cannot begin to understand the daily fight that must be fought.
    Don't tell me that I am strong enough to fight,
    I am weary.
    Don't look at me and say "pull yourself together."
    My system doesn't work that way.

    Don't look at me and say you understand.
    You can't,
    You have never fought this battle.
    Don't tell me to "think positive" or "think of me as "One"."
    Please,
    Please!
    Try to understand that I am working the best I can.
    I do not try to live your life for you,
    Please do not try to live mine.
    You cannot.
    Because I have enough trouble living my own.

    I have "others" who will try to make your life run more smoothly,
    But even they tire and must pull back.
    Please try to realize I want this to be over as much as you do.
    My life is not my own,
    It belongs to many others,
    And so I must do the best I can,
    With the things that are given to me.
    I Realize that is puts a strain on your life and i am sorry,
    But look at my life,
    If you can even call it that.
    The Anger,
    Terror,
    Fear,
    And weariness abound.
    Can I control this much longer without rest?

    We will see!