BLOCK PARTY ON THE FOURTH

• Artist: UC Poika
• Description: A patriotic poem set on the Fourth of July which is coming sooner than you think.
• Date: 06/07/2009
• Tags: block party fourth

BLOCK PARTY ON THE FOURTH
by UC Poika

refrigerated ice cubes breaking loose
the sound of pop pouring into a glass
the sounds of children playing in a group
the flare of a burger fryer’s searing flash
the smoke rolling from the grill across the lawn
the charcoal smells, the kids the neighbor housed
the hungry visitors coming down for blocks
the family dogs, the neighbor’s friends, his spouse
old timers telling the tales of long ago
the fathers gathering stats of every sport
teenagers playing volleyball as for the gold
children telling their friends from other sorts
Americans getting along quite well
while her soldiers fight and die in the deserts nearest Hell

Comments

[ProfessorKC]

It's as if you are so wrapped up in the idea ... you forget that you still have to WRITE it. Like everythign else in this world, even writing has rules and these rules are there so EVREYONE can understand what's written EASILY.

<sigh> I'll wait for your comment. If you'd like some help with the issues in these let me know. I'd have no problem helping you with them when I can.

[ProfessorKC]

I wish I could take these and rewriote them so they made sense start to finish. Then MAYBE you'd see what I mean about your writting UC. It's not that the ideas are bad, they are actually quite good, but the way you write is in some casses too abrupt:

teenagers playing volleyball as for the gold

What gold? Do you mean the gold medal like in competition? That is definitely not clear.

Americans getting along quite well
while her ...

All americans aren't "her" or even "hers."