Loveless Vacation

• Artist: Rachel the Lunar Warrior
• Description: hello, i wrote this poem for my girlfriend when i left to italy, i hope u enjoy it, plz tell me what you think
• Date: 02/21/2009
• Tags: loveless vacation

The moment that I left you behind
It didn’t take me long to find
The way that I had loved you so
Quickly filled my heart with woe
And I found that I would sit and stare
And dream about you as I sit there
Everywhere I look I see your face
And then my heart will start to race
At a rate that time starts to slow
Then I start to see your hair flow
And you suddenly appear inside my arms
Which for some reason doesn’t cause alarm
Because my wish has now come true
As I get to spend my time with you

Comments

[ProfessorKC]

You need to picture the action in yur poem as it happens in your head tos ee if the imagery moves smoothly from one description to the next ... this does not do that and the word choice of tons of pronouns and one syllable words let's the whole get morassed in a sing-song type poem about love ... fix the meter and play with it a bit and think about ways to compare you emotion to something other people can visualize ... an image ... it'll help.