• ok my 2 best friends are over at my house we just got back from our favorite amusement park my mom bought me and my best friend destany season passes for $130 and we had a great time. i was feeling really awkward because i was wearing shorts, and my legs were jiggling i could feel it and my back hurt really really bad and i almost passed out from having not eaten in the past 3 days and i didnt drink any water while we were there to to i almost puked and almost passed out. they and i were talking and kaydra says jokingly "Serena, i cant see you moving out of you moms house, or even driving your own car. your gonna be living here with your mom forever." thats basicly what she said and it was a joke for a second then it began to sink in. im not going anywere in life, i couldnt even walk over to the lockers to get my swim suit alone because im just so weak and stupid and fat. all im ever going to do is fail, lets face it my life isnt going anywere. im going to be alone for the rest of my life living in a small house with a minimum wage job with no friends. thats all im ever going to be. because thats what i am, im just a fat, ugly, stupid, brainless, baby. i dont think she realises how much it hurts when she says even the littlest things, i try to tell how much it hurts then she just rants at my "WHY?!" "THERES NOTHING HURTFUL ABOUT IT" "ITS JUST THE TRUTH" and thats the worst part, it is the truth. i keep thinking ok im going to be a journalist and sell art on the side but no. thats not going to happen if i cant even pass the 9th grade. im a failure. after she said that i just left and took a shower with the excuse that i just wanted to get the sunscreen off. i went into the shower and just broke down crying, and the only person i could think to talk to was god. so i started praying, i prayed and prayed sitting on my knees for 45 minuts. iv ended up in this same place so many times in the past and nothing has ever happened. nothing, so i thought maby he wants me to be more commited or something so i took a safety pin and started to carve a cross into my palm. i havent gotten to the point of bleeding yet but i want it to stay there forever. i just feel like god isnt listening, i keep praying and praying but nothing ever changes i still end up breaking down in tears every time i take a shower.