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    content advisory for su***/ ideation<br />
    <br />
    im in a lot of pain.<br />
    i dont only mean physically. im in emotional pain.<br />
    i left gaia many years ago. this place became a toxic cesspool. i dont know why i came back. hoping to find comfort in the good memories, i guess. but a lot of painful, toxic memories here still remain, and not all of them are related to goldemort.<br />
    so many things happened between then and now... very few of them were good. ive lost a lot in life. i do mean a LOT. <br />
    people who promised to be here for me betrayed me, walked away. ive had to cut abusive people out of my life. ive lost so-called "friends" and family to the lies they chose over me. <br />
    ive been suicidal and attempted twice. and failed.<br />
    and dont get me started on how badly my health has plummeted.<br />
    most recently ive lost my mom. she died shortly before thanksgiving this year.<br />
    i am so very tired. im tired. im tired of people. im tired of the neverending pain. im tired of life. im tired of fighting for it. <br />
    i was just reading through my old journal entries and forum posts here. im shocked at how many times the topic of suicide and me fighting for other peoples lives came up. <br />
    you know what? those same people who said they were my friends... that they loved me... that they were here for me... <br />
    for many months i kept contacting people and trying to talk to them and getting silence or noncommital responses...<br />
    one day i posted explicitly about my intention to kill myself. copypasted it across four social media sites. checked and rechecked that it was clearly visible, not hidden or obscured in any way.<br />
    nobody gave a shit.<br />
    no response. <br />
    a few responded to my surrounding posts, the unimportant, pointless posts.<br />
    not a word about the fact that i was planning to die.<br />
    you dont walk out of that experience believing you have value.<br />
    you dont walk out of that thinking there is anyone who wants you to live.<br />
    that anyone loves you.<br />
    that theyre here for you.<br />
    that they will listen to you when you need to vent.<br />
    im in pain.<br />
    im in so much pain.<br />
    i just want it to end.<br />
    i regret being there to support other people who once felt the way i do. for reaching out and hoping to heal them. <br />
    and i hate myself for feeling that regret.<br />
    <br />
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