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Things are starting to get better. I'm starting to maybe forgive myself...I didn't cry at all today. I wanted to...but I held all tears back. Yesterday my jaw hurt from clenching to so much just trying not to cry. I found out who my real, real friends were yesterday. The ones that said, "OMG! What happend?" Those were my real friends. The ones that said, "Hmmm, he sucks." Aren't. But I would have to say my best friends are the ones that hugged me said things would be okay. That really made me feel a lot better. Last night was terrible. My mom she was trying to be stupid and make me laugh though in those attempts most of the time she annoys me. But anywho, she grabbed my hand and sqeezed it. It really hurt and when I looked down I realized why. I still had the ring that he gave me on. I know my mom saw the pure angish in my eyes when I realized that I hadn't even noticed. I took it off and put in the shoe box with all of our pictures and things that he gave me in it. (In which I'm not sure if I should give back to him or not...) When I took it off I felt like s**t. I kept moving my fingers around feeling for it and it was gone....just like him. Then, I went over to the piano and mom had a picture of us there but I made her take it down. I was screwing with the keys and I thought, "What is missing over there..." Then it hit me my 8th grade graduation picture. I guess I looked at a lot and didn't even realize it... I had taped a picture of him on the back of my cd player. Today, I was listening to it and my batteries died so I fiddled with it almost all the way to school and all the way back before I realized that the picture was still on there. I looked at it for a few seconds then I ripped it off and crumbled it. It was messed up anyways... Last night I tried to wear my fuzzy socks he gave me mostly cause they are warm but I couldn't...I took them of and put them in my shoe box too... I also realize I couldn't use or wear my Love Spell that I got for x-mas from him so I put that away too. So many things I never thought that I would want to cry over when he was gone... I didn't realize I reminded myself of how much I loved him everyday. But, I guess that is how people work they don't realize how much they love someone 'till they are gone. Today in gym everyone was talking about what they could say in another lauguge I said, "Oh! My boyfriend can say..." I couldn't finish it...I don't have a boyfriend. Jamie looked at me funny then she realized what I just did and tried to smile. Then, I just kinda leaned agaisnt the wall and slid down. As I stared at the floor I thought of all the things I won't be able to do again... No more kisses, no more hugs, no holding eachother, no crying together, no wispering in ears, no saying I love you...nothing. I think that sinking in thing is starting to happen...I'm starting to realize that it's really, really over....
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