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Hey guys...

Well, right now I'm really freaking depressed. I'm so stupid. crying

The whole story:

All last week, Dakota was a jerk. I would call and he would ignore me and just be really mean. I tried to not say anything but it hurt my feelings really bad. It just kept building and building he said it was because he didn't feel good. But, that wasn't my fault. Well, this guy started talking to me on the internet. He was a good friend of mine and stuff. Then, he offered to do a webcam I swear to god I didn't think a thing about it. Then, when I looked back on his screen. He was doing somthing...So, I told him, "I have a boyfriend." He was like, "Yea' well this isn't really cheating." So, I thought about it but I still knew it was. I was mad and hurt and didn't really care so I started talking to my other friends and boom he was like, "I came." Then, it hit me...I cheated on Dakota. I felt aweful. My conscience bugged me forever. Then, I decided I'll come forward he won't be too mad I mean, considering all of the things he's done on the internet. -cough look at his journal cough- I forgave him. So, I told him... At first he was fine with it. He saw it the way I thought he would and made me promise I would never do it again. The next day no Dakota at Youth and so I called him. He was pissed. I asked why, "Duh, you cheated on me." I'm like, "I thought you were okay with that." Apparently he wasn't anymore. For 3 damn days he kept me in the dark. I had no idea if he was going to break up with me or forgive me. FINALLY, he forgives me. I think, "Wow, this guy really does love me!" I was happy, but that kinda happiness wouldn't last. The next day, this little b***h -cough Ty cough- started mouthing me and Dakota had asked me to be nice to her. So, I was trying to be nice but she just kept getting bitchier and stuff. So, I called Dakota. At the end I said, "I love you." He was like, "I know." I'm like, "Are you mad?" Then, that was when he was mad. You see, I always think he is mad at me and it scared him because that is supposed to be the reason I "cheated" on him. Pfft. I appologized I begged, pleaded, got on my ******** hands and knees just begging for a second chance. (I regret that so much now) Then finally, I just got mad. I said, "Fine." And hung up. Then, the next day I call him. I try to pretend like it didn't even happen because I wanted to see if he was trying to fight. He was fine until I said, "I love you." He once again said, "I know." Then I said, "Will you ever say you love me again?" He said, "No.." I was like, "What, why?" He was like, "You broke up with me!" I'm like, "When the ******** did I do that?" he was like, "You said fine and hung up on me!" I was like, "I didn't mean to make you think I broke up with you." So, I called him back later that night I was like, "Is it over?" He was like, "Ya...it's over." I have mixed feelings. First off, I feel like he wanted me to break up with him and it pisses me off that he didn't have the guts to break up with me. Secondly, I'm hurt that he didn't want to make things work. Last, I'm angry with myself for hurting him. I'm angry with myself for telling him. I wish I could hate him as much as I hate myself. Though, I know that isn't possible because no matter how hard I try to forget and go on at the end of the day I know I'll still love him and if his memory being in my mind isn't bad enough he will still haunt my dreams...