• The smiling faces of my family loom in front of me, but suddenly they are gone. They are gone and replaced by a dark creature. It lurks nearer and my legs go rubbery. What's happening? It lunges forward and engulfs me, taking the lovely picture of my family with it. The dark consumes me, eats me whole, swallowing everything. I reach out, trying to grab a hold of reality, but my fingers don't want to work. My arm lays limp against my side as I am pulled deeper and deeper into this black nothingness. I open my mouth to scream and protest, but all that escapes my gaping mouth is my last breath.


    I gasp and my eyes open letting in all the flourescent lights at once. I moan and blink away the tears, temporarily blind. Where am I? What happened? I stare at the whitewashed walls, my eyes searching fearfully. I blink, thinking I'm dreaming and wishing I am at home in my comfortable bed. My eyes open once more and tears build up. Why am I not waking up? I look around and feel the stale bed sheet beneath me. I'm not sleeping, I'm not dreaming. This is all real!! I try to move, but the stale, scratchy sheets tangle around my slim figure and wrap themselves around my legs. The small clear cord attached to my hand catches on the side of the bed and keeps me from moving. I want to scream, I want to yell and get away from all this strange things. I don't understand any of this!

    The monitor by the bed starts to beat uncontrollably and a cold sweat breaks out on my forehead. My eyes swing around the room nervously. I don't want to be here. I want to be home with my family and Brett! I can feel my heart pounding in my chest. The fast, low thumps of it hurt. Why would a healthy teenager like me be put through this pain?

    Suddenly the monitor beats quickly and then a high squeal escapes the monitor. I feel my hear stop pounding in my chest and I'm thankful for the peace, but it's too much peace. It's too quiet. It's back. The blackness looms towards me. I see its sharp teath waiting to sink themselves into my skull. I open my mouth to scream, but all that comes out is a low gurgle.

    Just as suddenly as the blackness is there, it's gone replaced by a strange golden light. I welcome it just as I feel a jolt of energy surge through my body. It's back though, but this time its farther away. "CLEAR!!" someone yells. I don't understand why someone would say that, but the same jolt of energy surges through my body. The same golden light takes the place of the darkness. I want to jump for joy as the gold engulfs me and brings me back.

    I try to smile from the joy surging through my body, but it seems I have jinxed it. The blackness comes back with a vengeance. I want to scream, I want it all to be done. I want to be back in the arms of Brett. The blackness keeps the jolt of energy at bay, the golden light hidden from my searching eyes and heart. I feel it creeping towards me. Feel the coldness that's starting to seep through my body. I'm dieing!!!

    I finally understand, the blackness so greedy for my life is still coming closer. I don't want to die! Please don't take me! I plead with that terrible beast. I'm not ready to go yet, if it wants me to beg on my knees I would do that.

    My body lays limp on the stale bed. The thin hospital shirt is pulled apart showing my chest. If I were conscious I would be deeply embarrassed and harassed. The outlines of the paddles are clearly visible against my pale, creamy skin. "Time of death....3:02 p.m." the doctor says as he places the small paddles back on the crash cart. "NO!!! You can't call it just like that!! Keep trying!! Please!!!" he screams.

    That voice, that beautiful voice makes the darkness grow smaller. The sound of hope is thick in the young man's voice. Brett Oh the sound of his name in my mind is just so sweet. I can feel a silent thumping in my arm. Is that the sound of blood rushing through my veins? "Please! Just keep trying!!!" Brett pleads. I can feel his hand wrapped around mine. I can feel! I scream

    "Fine." the older man says. I can feel the cold paddles on my chest now. I can feel how the dig themselves closer to my heart. "Clear." he says loudly and the bright golden light floods my vision. The energy surges through my veins and the silent thudding of blood in my veins is loud in my ears.

    A single beep from the monitor sends the young man into tears. Tears of joy. But that single beep doesn't last long and the loud squeal erupts again. "Clear." the man says and the golden light become stronger, the darkness disappears.

    The beeping comes slowly and the thumping of my heart is slow in my chest, but it's there all the same. I can feel Brett's hand hold tight to mine and I squeeze back weakly. "She's alive!!" he yells, leaning down and placing his soft lips to mine. I smile, but don't have enough energy to kiss him back. "I love you." he whispers. Joy floods itself through my body and I sigh.

    The beating of my heart and the beeping of the monitor steadies and becomes regular again. I know I'm alive now, but I can't seem to get my eyes to work. I can't get them to open. I'm frustrated with myself and the monitor clearly shows it. The beeping quickens and Brett's by my ear now. "Vanessa. Vanessa. It's ok, everything's fine."

    The sound of his voice sooths me and the beeping goes back to normal. I feel the bed lean to the side a bit as he sits on the edge. I can tell he is hesitating. I urge him on, knowing what he wants to do. The bed moves a little bit more and I feel him take his hand from mine. I panic and wonder if I got it all wrong, but then I feel his sturdy arms around me, pulling me to his chest.

    I welcome the warmth coming off of him and snuggle closer, his arms tightening around me in response. I need to get my eyes open now. I just have to. I push against all the sleepiness and pry my eyelids open. I see his face now. His sharp jaw line and perfect nose. His eyes are closed and it looks like he's asleep. A smile graces my lips as I move and place mine on his.

    His eyes flash open and bore into me as I pull away. His hand strokes my hair as we stare at each other. Me in my hospital gown and him in his favorite jeans and a t-shirt. Everything is just perfect with me in his arms; just being with him is perfect. I open my mouth, but his is on mine again, this time more fiercely.

    I push him away and hold up my finger, catching my breath. He smiles at me, not offended one bit. I close my eyes but open them back up again, not wanting to miss seeing him for even one second. He's still smiling at me. I smile back. "I love you." I whisper, my voice weak.

    "I love you more than you know." he replies and pulls me against his chest once more, stealing my breath away with his kisses.



    :.: heart Dedicated to my boyfriend Brett heart :.: