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It's been forever since I've made a journal entry. I've never been good at keeping a journal for anything. This year has just been rough, not just for me, but for the whole world. And as much as people point out how important mental health is, lately, I've been feeling myself slipping for the past couple of months. I'm not writing this for sympathy or pity, I just need to get it out of my system in a way that isn't harmful to myself.

My home life hasn't been the most stable in recent years. My family is full of difficult people and although I've been doing my best to work on myself, I feel like it doesn't amount to much when the people I live with seem unable to change themselves. The brother that lives with my mother and I has fallen into depression, and it's been a struggle since around September of last year. Things seemed to be looking up for him when he went back to work around the summer, but when a coworker of his tested positive for CoVid 19, my brother broke down and asked for a break from his boss. While I can understand him wanting to be away from that, especially after he was terrified of being infected himself... taking a break from work shouldn't also mean taking a break from everything else. Due to him not working, our mother has been putting all the pressure and responsibility on me. Not only do I have to solve my own things, I have to deal with her needs and his at the same time. I rarely get shown any gratitude or taken into consideration. Example: mom had an appointment with a lawyer and brother didn't feel okay enough to drive her, so she asked me to drive. A while after she asked, I started feeling sick and told her I may not be able to drive her after all. She simply stated "We'll see how you feel in the morning." The next morning, I did not feel any better and I had to pretty much cry while begging her that I was in no condition to be her chauffeur. I still got guilted into doing it a different day.

Guilt tripping is a tactic that both my mother and brother excel at. They could give classes on it. They also excel at making me question myself and my judgement. One day, my brother even dared to say that their comments weren't about attacking me, that no one was attacking me, that it was all in my head. I later discovered that this actually counts as gaslighting. Realizing that the two family members I live with constantly do that to me... It's painful to discover.

And as much as I want to get away from them, financially, I can't. My freelancing job isn't the most financially stable and finding another job has been nearly impossible. I may have one lined up for me, but due to the nature of it, I'd be exposed to places likely contaminated with CoVid 19, and as much as one of the workers assured me that they were taking measures, and no one has been infected, I'm not exactly confident. I would have preferred the job at Romano's Macaroni Grill, but my mother wasn't having it because "It's a miserable part time job.". It seems like my choices are always wrong unless they perfectly align with what she wants because she knows best.

Then there's me discovering very early this year that I'm trans. I haven't told a lot of people in my family(just my parents and the eldest brother). My friends all already know and are respectful, even accepting and cool with it. My family, on the other hand... My father didn't seem to have a problem with it, but he doesn't use my pronouns at all and said he would always see me as his daughter after I tried to talk to him about mom's response. When it came to telling mom, I was terrified because she always dreamt of having a daughter after giving birth to three boys and she wants all of the experiences that come with having a daughter. Mom's response at first was of acceptance(of sorts. She insisted I see a sex therapist because I'm "confused" ) and that as long as I'm happy, she's fine with it. Then on the night of her birthday after I helped her with something, I calmly asked her to try to use male pronouns when referring to me, that I know she would make mistakes, but I wanted her to try. Now, I'll admit that asking such a request of her on her birthday was bad timing on my part, but I did not mean anything malicious with it. Her reaction at my request was a breakdown: saying that I would always be her daughter, she cannot change X amount of years of programming, that she, my father and my brothers would always see me as female, that gender isn't important, so why is it important to me? During all this, I managed to stay calm and show no emotion, but after she finished and I went to my room, I broke down and cried. How easy it is for her to accept that one of her sons is gay, but that her only "daughter" is a trans male is so difficult to believe(asked if I felt any attraction to a female friend of mine and I told her identity isn't necessarily tied to sexuality). Hell, when I told her, I included how I was afraid of telling her because of her need to have a daughter, that she got to experience raising a daughter and now she has a granddaughter. But that's not enough for her...

All of this, plus the situation with CoVid 19(I have only gone out for lunch with dad four times and once with my grandmother. No meet-ups with friends at all. Outings have mainly been errands, chores and responsibilities) has been gradually wearing me down. The very last time I got hugged was by one of my great aunts when I had to go pick up something from my great uncle's office(he's a doctor and she works as his secretary). I was so shocked at receiving a hug because I've grown used to not having any affection at all besides my dog's. I don't know how I didn't just cry then.

Anyway, I'll end this entry here. Like I said before, I'm not writing this for sympathy or pity, I just wanted to get it out of my system. I hope everyone is being careful and doing their best to hang in there. Just remember to stay strong and that you do matter!