Diary,
My soul is being scratched at. And I WILL NOT LET IT BE VIOLATED! I feel myself grow stronger. I am taking this pain I am now enduring and using it as strength. Misa has cracked my heart in the same places he stiched up from the pain Youssef caused. I fear my own soul being losed. I realized now, much too late, I am no longer seeing with my heart, but with my mind. I used to feel pain, envy, sorrow, jealousy in my heart. But now I feel it all in my head. Now it feels like its going to explode. I want to bite off my own fingers for writing to you, hehe, to say the least. But now it is becoming too much for me to bear. I know this is wrong Diary, but... part of me hopes Misa doesn't choose me over this other girl so he will be happier with her. I did the same with Youssef and I am continuing to do so. Every day I try to push Youssef closer to Brooke... where as at the same time I want to scream at Youssef "Pick me, choose me, let me be your destiny." Yet, I don't. Because I had Misa. And I truly believed that once I let go of Youssef's love for me, I could find another true love in Misa... yet, here we go again. Misa loves another girl... just like Youssef..... Misa can't choose who to be with... just like Youssef.... Diary, I cannot do both at the same time. I am starting to think that maybe I should restart my life entirely. Erase all my e-mail accounts, my gaia account, and erase my YouTube account. No more friends. No more love. No more... anything. Then start all over again. But I don't want to forget any one... just forget I ever loved them. So that anger, pain, and un-trusted friendship will be gone. I don't want to say goodbye to Misa. But perhaps its for the better. He'll find someone else more greater then me. I wonder how much he truly loved me... if now he can't choose between this girl. As if I should talk, Im the same way with Youssef. I don't think I will fully ever let go of Youssef, but Im trying my hardest to so it doesn't hurt as much. I'd have to face the fact that Youssef would never take me back. What kind of upsets me, and I know this is selfish and total drama queen of me.... but, with all the men that say they fell in love with me... how come none of them fight for me? I must not be very valuable I suppose. Why can't men see that once you have a girlfriend, you can't be with another girl? I say its fine to fall in love with another girl... but it shouldn't be that they break up with their girlfriend because they can't be sure on who to be with.... it hurts more to be broken up with because your guy can't choose... in a girls eyes, that makes us think he doesn't trust us. (And any guy who reads this, please take my advice, don't break up with girls because you're afraid of hurting them... cause you'll hurt them all the more worse in the long run).
Diary, I must not be that wonderful of a girlfriend if both men I truly loved are leaving me for another... Youssef.... now Misa.... before long it will be all my friends, too. Thats all I want in life..... love. Why.... *sniffles*.... why is it being stolen from me?
Yet.. I do not feel the pain. It's gone... I feel nothing but strength, empowerment, I feel like I could do almost anything right now. Is the pain and anguish Misa and Youssef caused me actually making me stronger? Is that how my own soul works? I must be beaten, neglected, abused, and broken... just to become a better person? Is that truly... my destiny...?
Until another day beckons,
Farewell~
NakatamiHigurashi Community Member 
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