The Hangover Rating Guide
*
No pain. No real feeling of illness.Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a cheeseburger and a side of fries.
**
No pain. Something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanour about the office, you are costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mail.
***
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of Coke watching "Good Morning with Richard and Judy". You've had four cups of coffee, a gallon of water, two sausage rolls and a litre of Diet Coke, yet you haven't peed once.
****
You have lost the will to live. Your head is throbbing and you can't speak
too quickly or else you might honk. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving, (girls: it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars), your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from a secondary school class picture, circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the following:
Home time.
A duvet and somewhere to be alone.
A time machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
*****[a.k.a. Dante's Fouth Circle of Hell]
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually annoying the employee who sits next to you. Vodka vapour is seeping out of every pour and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in your body. Death seems pretty good right now. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You should have called in sick because, let's face it, all you can manage to do is breathe ... very gently.
The worst thing about getting older is that even the smallest hangover seems to take days to get over. I can remember not too long ago when I could have drunk twice what I did last night and still have got up and come to work without feeling like I'd been beaten with a big stick and then microwaved.
Right now every inch of me aches, I feel like I've been desiccated, someone has replaced my eyeballs with gritty rasins and something has obviously crawled into my mouth and died.
Did anyone get the licence number of that truck that hit me?
Ernest Hemmingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
Good advice. However I can barely remember what I did last night let alone what I said!
I mean, how am I supposed to remember stuff like that when I can't even remember where I left my trousers?!?!
