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Hm, my entry last time didn't seem to go through.

Anyway, I broke up with Chris finally. A lot of my friends and family cheered for me, they knew my relationship with him was harmful to my health. They knew, and now I do to, that he was the reason I was becoming depressed. As soon as I broke up with him, I felt as though a weight were lifted from my shoulders.

Here's how it went down:

He came back a week or two ago, and I could talk to him online. But I knew that our love was gone. I thought that he had wanted to break up with me, so I waited, dreading what was to come.

It never did. A fight came, though. He didn't believe me when I told him that if he didn't shape up, I would leave him, so I did. I was tired of his bullshit, tired of him trying to grab attention everywhere he can and trying to get people to pity him. I was tired of his half-assed attempt at keeping up the relationship, while I was putting my all into it. I was tired of him saying he was just going to give up on his life, tired of him moving around all the goddamned time up and down the east coast, I was tired of wondering whether or not he kicked the bucket every single day I didn't have contact with him. But most of all, I was tired of his short temper, his habit of taking out his anger on me when I didn't even do anything.

You might ask why I dreaded his breakup with me. Well, the reason is I still loved him. I still /love/ him now. Not once during any of our fights, during and post-relationship did I say I hated him. Nor will I ever. While he falsely accused me of things I felt or didn't feel, of things I did or didn't do, I didn't say one distruthful thing to him. He told me I didn't know anything about him, and that all I had to do was look. I told him that I shouldn't have to dig deep to find the real him, and that maybe with the next girlfriend he had he should make the real him more apparent. He responded saying there would be no next girlfriend. To be honest, I don't believe him, since you can't really control love. I told him that I was sorry his last relationship was a mistake.

He started out being something, then changed half-way through. He told me that this change just showed the real him, that the person I met was a cover-up. That was when I first knew that I had fallen out of love. I wasn't even in love. I was in love with an imaginary cover-up. He admitted to me that he was just showing the real him, and that I'd have to take it or leave it. I should have just left it then. I tried to, but I'm too passive a person to be forceful with it. This time, I was forceful.

Since I left him, I've felt so much better. It's amazing, this new feeling of clarity. I look forward to school every day, it's as though clearing my mind of Chris has opened it to learning, and I understand the things I'm taught better than ever.

In calculus, we just started learning limits, and my teacher gave us fourty problems solely on three different kinds of limits - some to solve with graphs, some with algebra, and some with tables. I finished thirty-five of those problems - two of which were factors of variables, one a difference of cubes and the other a difference of squares over a difference of cubes, which I'd long forgotten. The rest were tables, which he didn't really go over. I felt accomplished, until I realized that we didn't actually have to do all the problems, we just had to try them. The homework for the next day was to finish the problems.

It's kind of hard to remember if this was how I was like before. It's like my senses were all clogged up, and suddenly everything cleared. I remember before that I used to be so optimistic, but it's a vague memory. Now, I'm feeling that way again. It's really strange. xD

I'm not really used to writing down how I feel, for everyone who decides to come across this to read this. I almost hope Chris reads it. I hope he knows that he lost his chance with me for good, because in our last post-relationship fight it seemed like he was trying to get me to apologize and ask for him back. Well, I want him to know that it's not going to happen.

So, I'm going to stop ranting now. :3 Oyasumi nasai