Over the weekend I sat alone in my little flat and had a bloody good think. I had a bloody good cry a few times too. Slowly I realised that neither option was helping at all.
I came to the not-so-startling conclusion that sometimes the person doing you the most damage is you. Mainly because when you find yourself sat alone at 3am sobbing into a pillow over some guy who after 6 months of saying how much he adores you just walks out with no explanation, the only person hurting you is yourself. Because you're letting yourself feel bad.
Marcus Aurelius Antoninus
If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.
True.
The thing that's distressing me most is that I don't know why the man I love changed his mind about loving me. Overnight. Literally.
I didn't do anything wrong, I didn't lie or cheat. I didn't ask him for anything, just some time and some support, which I think anyone is entitled to when they're living together, I didn't even make him do the washing up!
And there I am, feeling bad because he's left me! Why should I feel bad? Why should I cry over someone who doesn't seem to care?
Unknown
Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.
True again! Harsh but true.
Yep, I'm hurting pretty bad. I feel lonely and unloved and unwanted and used and hurt. My insides feel empty, like someone ripped out all the important bits. My heart aches. I find myself listening for footsteps on the stairs, waiting for him to walk in the door, watching my phone just incase I missed a call or a text, staring out of the window hoping I'll see him walking up the street.
Henry Bromel
We all carry around so much pain in our hearts. Love and pain and beauty. They all seem to go together like one little tidy confusing package. It's a messy business, life. It's hard to figure--full of surprises. Some good. Some bad.
Somehow, now, I have to stop hurting myself.
I can't change his mind, I can't make him see what he's losing, I can't keep wondering what he's thinking or why he's acting this way.
It's his choice that he left, his choice that he's throwing away all the love I have for him, his choice to forget the good times and remember the bad times and his choice that he's too stupid or scared to put some effort into loving someone other than himself.
Unknown
If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater.
That last quote made me realise that I'm a better person because I care and I love and I'm willing to risk everything for the people I care about. Yes, I've lost the man I love but not through lack of trying.
One day he'll wake up and realise that he's the one who really lost out.
Community Member
*hugs*