Sometimes I wonder why things you love die…
When she told me she had cancer…
I never though she’d die
December 13th 2004, 7:13 pm
I’ll always love you mommy
Even if you don’t exist
Sometimes I wonder if I love too much…
I always blamed him for everything
He was the enemy…
For so long
I hated him
He was the first person I ever hated
But when I had no where else to go
He said he loved me
He said he loved me
And I slept under his roof
And I told myself
I love him
I love him
Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only one who’s afraid…
I always tell myself that I am wrong
Because I am
I am not worthy of anyone’s attention
Or love
I’m afraid
They broke me
And I don’t think I want to be fixed
I’m afraid to love things that die.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me…
I don’t think I care about much anymore
And the things I do care about
I care too much for
I think something’s wrong with me
I don’t want to mark off another day on the calendar
I wish I didn’t have to
I wish I didn’t love anyone…
It would be easier to leave.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m ever going to tell…
No one knows really what’s wrong with me
Because I don’t
I fake it
To everyone
And anyone
Just so that
They might love me
For someone
I am not
It’s better… faking it
Then not to be loved…
At all….
Sometimes I wonder if anything’s worth it…
Everything I do…
Seems to set me a step back
Further I fall down the rabbit hole
With no one to catch me
And if they want to..
I refuse
Because sometimes…
I need to fall
Sometimes I wonder if I exist…
I tap your shoulder
And you don’t turn around
You’re on your phone again
You’re stressed out again
Maybe if I left I wouldn’t be a problem
To you, or anyone
I feel like I am a shadow in a mirror
Something that…
Does not exist….
Sometimes I wonder if I could have changed what happened…
Maybe if I loved you more…
You would have stayed longer
Maybe..
Maybe…
If I told you I loved you more often
You would not have gone
Maybe
Sometimes I wonder.. if I died.. would anyone notice?
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You always put me at a loss for words with these things..