Today I read back over my journal entries and I've learned a lot of stuff. I should take my own advice once in a while.
A couple of days ago the guy I love walked out of my life and there's nothing I can do to make him come back to me. For the last year he was a good friend and for the last six months he was my best friend. I've spent a lot of time on my own since and I've done a lot of thinking.
We had an amazing thing going, I've never felt quite like that before with anyone, for the first time in a long time I was friends with a boyfriend and we had such a laugh together, but we rushed.
And now it's all wrecked.
As guys sometimes do he suddenly looked at what we had and panicked, it was all moving far to fast and so he started to try and block it all out. Of course I picked up on this and started to tryand guess what he was thinking and came to all the wrong conclusions. I was trying to fix problems that werent there and all I managed to do was scare him that little bit more.
So now he's gone. Or he says he's gone.
His parting words to me were "I still love you to bits and I love spending time with you but I'm just not ready for all this". So all I can do is let him go.
Perhaps given time he'll miss me and come back, perhaps he wont.
Personally, I feel like someone cut my heart out.
For anyone who reads this take my advice, if you love something, if you find something that makes you truely truely happy, don't smother it. We should have taken things slower, we should have just seen where fate took us. By trying to keep the person I love I just managed to push him further and further away.
I look back at my september and october entries, and look at the way I could pick things into tiny pieces, tried to explain every tiny aspect of what was going on, I tried to look at things from an outsiders point of view. As I read them they do make a lot of sense but at the same time I wonder why I felt the need to disect the events in my life into bitesized chunks. In a way writing it all down in here in such a sraightforward concise way was my way of trying to deal with the probems I faced. Looking at it now makes me feel sick.
Nothing in life is that clinical that you can pick it to bits and pretend that you know what's going on from every aspect, you can never guess what's going on in someone elses head. I asked my man why he didn't tell me how he was feeling straight away, he told me he was scared of the reaction he'd get.
That was the worst bit of it all. That he couldn't tell me how he was feeling. I'm not an unaproachable person, that's why he loves me in the first place, but the whole time I was trying to work out what was wrong he was doing the same to me. We should have just talked.
Perhaps it's because my one true fear is not being good enough, not being trusting enough in my gut feelings, ignoring the little inner voice that just says let it be. Perhaps it's because up until now I've had so little contol over my life that I felt I had to be the one holding it all together.
Today I know that sometimes you just have to let things go. Stop thinking, stop picking, stop smothering and just wait and see......
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