Ive distanced myself from God once again, and as a result I'm starting to feel a bit depressed. It's been quite a while since I've felt this way. I feel so unworthy. I ignored / dismissed all of God's warnings and continued to play around when I was supposed to be doing what he told me to do. My father passed away from a blood clot that reached his heart Friday, October 12th and I can't help but blame myself. I know there's nothing that can be done when God takes someone but I could have been praying for his soul as I usually did but I continued to play around that week. That night when my father was conscious the paramedics came to rush my father to the hospital and I had this strong impulse to tell him to repent, but I chose not to say anything. He was in such a panic that I doubt he thought about doing that at that moment. I could have reminded him... I hate that I didn't say anything. The last words I heard come out of his mouth as they taking him away were "Lord have mercy, I can't breathe".
My mom, sister and I waited a lonng time at that hospital 11:30pm - 3am. I prayed the entire time just repenting, praying to God in silence saying "Lord, please" because I ran out of words to say. Deep down I already had a confirmation in my spirit telling me that he would die but I refused to accept that and begged God not to let him die. They soon moved us to the family room around 12ish and my heart sank even more. I remembered them putting us in this room when my grandmother died. I still continued praying. A while later I had a urge to look at the clock on my phone. I saw it change from 1:30am to 1:31am. Later at 3:00am a doctor and Chaplin entered the room a gave us the bad news that he had passed. None of us could even cry, we just sat there in shock. My sister left the room to deliver the bad news to our Aunt who stepped out the room to tell her boss she can't come in. I could hear her screams and cries through the door. This all just didn't seem real.
Later when they let us see his body around 3:45am or 4am, we were told that he passed at 1:31am. The hospital only had 2 doctor there that night and there was a really bad accident that involved multiple people so they were just too busy to get back to us with the news when we were waiting. When we returned to the family room to wait on other family members to get there, we heard screaming and crying outside the door again but this was from 2(?) other families. This saddened me but strangly I felt a sense of comfort from their cries as well... because it made me feel that we weren't alone in our grief and that there was someone present that understood our pain...
My father's funeral was on the 19th and I'm so glad it's finally over. All the planning along with the grieving really stresses you out... I'm feeling better than I was before but I just still feel so much guilt as well as loneliness. My sister and mother have their friends they can confide in and hang out with but I have no one. Heck, even if I did have someone I'd just feel like a nuisance to them anyway.
Zeenya Community Member 
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