Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

Hello Journal!!


Damn it has been a loooong time! I was 14 when I joined this site and 18 the last time I wrote to you. Gosh, it really has been so many years. I'm 21 now, my birthday just passed a few days ago on the 17th.

Every now and again I come on here and read all of my journal entries. I read them to remember who I was and what life was like and how I was feeling all those years ago. The heartbreaking thing today when I logged back on for the first time in what feels like a life time; is that I realized nothing has changed.

You see a decline in my true self as you read my entries. Slowly I was losing myself, who I truly was. My life didn't get better after all that. It stayed it's course in destroying my happiness. I don't know why and I don't know how but some way or another I've completely forgotten who I was.... all i can remember is that I miss me and I really did like myself.

I was crazy, and out there, and totally different and awesome from everyone else. Everyone I met liked me and I had so many people who called themselves "my friends". Actually I called them that too. But all of those people and all of the events that happened. Changed me, and now I'm lost.

I feel very alone all the time. I'm always in my own mind thinking about stuff. Having bizarre dreams and suffering from depression. I can't afford a therapist and all the doctor wants to give me are pills that do nothing. Before you say anything I know I'm the only one that can fix all this. Find myself. Glue back the pieces and try to carry on. But don't you understand anything? I've been trying.

If you've had depression you'll know what I'm talking about when I say that there is nothing you can do sometimes to pull yourself out of the void. Sometimes you just slip off into it and you're completely hopeless and alone. Even in your happiest moments, you could slip away and every happy feeling is gone. It is the worst prison to live in.

I don't feel like talking about this any more. So I won't. But maybe you'll hear from me again and we can talk about it some more.

Thanks for listening.

Steff out.