I feel so nostalgic because I've been reminiscing... And I've been listening to Grief and Sorrow by Toshiro Matsuda, a genius of music...
Don't get the wrong impression. These are bittersweet memories. I am not crying as I remember these. I'm smiling wistfully.
Here's a song, simply 'cos... It relates to that time... ^_^
'First Love' by Utada Hikaru (just the translation...)
the last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell
tomorrow, at this time
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?
you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song
the paused time is
about to start moving
there's many things that I don't want to forget about
tomorrow, at this time
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you
you will always be inside my heart
you will always have your own place
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song
you are always gonna be my love
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song
****
The past two years have been crazy. I experienced so much, and was brought out into this harsh world... And now I want to go back to my innocent, naive childhood, but it's far too late for that.
During the past two years I have experienced both the purest joy and the most bitter grief, and many feelings in between. I now know what it is to love unrequited, and I can't say I enjoyed the lesson. But I'm grateful for that, because it brought a vivacity into my stories that would have been lacking if I had not gone through all those ordeals. I would have been like a blind person describing the scenery.
During that time I often plunged into deep sadness, but there were always moments that lit up my life. It was when I was left to my own devices that I created the most pain. Thus I could not trust myself. After a big commotion, my life began to settle, but it's taking an awfully long time. It's been almost a year now, but I still feel as if I'm a dandelion seed floating on zephyrs, wondering if I'll ever reach the ground, plant down roots and grow.
I often sung Utada's 'First Love' because I thought of it as a beautiful song, even before I read the translation. During that time when my first brush with love left me tattered, this song became a sort of inspiration to help carry me through the pain. I listened to it when I was daydreaming, and even when I needed to cry. This song was a great comfort to me.
And so were my friends. In a time when I was thrown into a foreign world called 'love', they were my guides and guards, my advisors and informants. They helped me navigate through the maze of my life.
I'm still lost in the maze, but I'm slowly making progress. I have yet to float down to the ground, or maybe I have but haven't started growing. Either way, I'm trying. I'm trying to find myself in the maze; I'm trying to settle down and grow. I'm trying and trying, and eventually I will find my way. Eventually.
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