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But there is a problem I have with timing.. Now, there are many problems which I do not try to hide, though they are blatantly obvious to anyone who knows me. The problems range, from simple memory loss, to that of the more complicated and more 'assholish' things of thinking myself smarter than my friends and it does show, no matter how hard I try to tell myself I shouldn't do such things.

I have a habit of doing things against my families wishes, and putting people in situations where I do not intend them to be, or they want to be. I also have the horrendous habit of leading women on just because I have the aching heart which needs the attention, needs the love and care. I have lead on many women, and yet, with each time this happens, and I promise myself that I would never do it again, it happens.

No one is perfect... people have their faults, people must overcome them to become a better person. It's nature, it's life; 'that what does not kill you, makes you stronger'. With much of my life still ahead, I procrastinate this change in myself with more than just the physical handicaps I claim to have. I also procrastinate my learning, my emotional growth, and finally, my connection to the person I truly learned I care for.

I write this entry, not because I feel sorry for myself, or I feel I must justify myself, but as a way to let this person...no.. not this person... Eidotea. Alice, not just a 'this person'. I have done things which would make me seem an a**, and I know this, in fact, I have been called on it many times. Yet... an event happened which I cannot just simply ignore.

When everyone panics, we all think of the ways the problem can be solved. Not the most logical way, but the ways which it can be solved. The answers which always flood the mind first are those of 'blame someone else' or 'run away' or in a more generic term, 'not me'. With the panic that happened from a recent event I will not name due to the severity of that issue, I came to a startling realization that took me by surprise.

I thought of these choices, to run away, to end it all to save myself from the pain of what had happened, to use the 'not me' exit. But before I could even fully think such a thought, the voice which we all have inside of us, the voice which tells us what is right, what is wrong, screamed, with all of what it is, with every untangible fiber of it's being that I love her.

Without second thought, without ever needing to rethink what my choice is, I came to the realization that I would be with her for as long as she wanted me by her side. I love her with such depth, that it makes even my hours, or days, away from her take a piece of me away. Not making me as happy as I am with her. I came to the realization that I wanted to make her happy, be with her through good and bad and finally, love her with everything I am.

This is where the title comes in.... Eidotea...Alice... even with all this, I don't feel I got the point across. Though I said what I said at the worst time, I hope this helps with why I said it... I promised I would not lie.. and so I never will. Never to you.