"So, uh... I peek over Tasuke's shoulder. "Is it okay?"
Tasuke pushes his rectangular glasses higher up the bridge of his nose and nods. "I just need to install a couple of programs and your computer will be as good as new."
"Thanks, Tasuke. I really appreciate you coming over to fix up my computer."
I relax and lean back in her chair, flicking back a bang of stray hair.
"You don't look so good," Tasuke commented. "Are you feeling okay? Don't tell me you're coming down with a virus too. I can't fix humans, you know."
I laugh. "I'm fine. Just a little tired, I guess."
"School?"
I nod.
"A lot of homework?"
Another nod.
"Keeping up?"
"Barely." I grin.
"Mm." Tasuke ruffles his hair a little and loosens his tie.
"I haven't seen you in ages. I'd almost forgotten how chubby you were."
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
"Kidding!" he laughes. "Actually, you've gotten a lot thinner. Anorexic?"
I'd forgotten just how much Tasuke had always gotten on my nerves.
It has indeed been a long time since we've spoken to each other - almost a year now. We've seen each other here and there, but it has never proceeded past a simple 'hello'.
I'd avoided seeing him, talking to him, thinking of him - I've avoided anything at all that has to do with him. He has hurt me so much, and it's only now that I feel I can let it all go. But can I really? Now that I think about it, why am I so happy to have him come over? Is it just because of my computer, or is it his company?
Tasuke could be a little cynical and sarcastic, as well as tactless and brutally honest sometimes, but once upon a time I had fancied him, maybe even loved him. But I had met with every obstacle possible: another girl, my parents, and - most importantly - Tasuke himself.
The boy saw me as a little sister: an annoying little fiend that he had a responsibiity to look after. Having been friends while growng up, he had an affection for me, but not in the way I hoped for. It had crushed me when he told me that my attentions were unrequited, even unwanted. I had childishly been resentful and depressed; angry and grieving.
But now I'm past all that, I hope.
__________________________________________________
I'm sorry for my past actions. I tried so hard not to let it get to me, but it was painful to see you with her. And even when you weren't with her anymore, I was a still in pain because you would not let me help you. You threw me aside because you knew what I was suffering. You threw me aside to save me from further suffering, but at that time I didn't understand and I hated you.
What really hurt was how good you were to me. Even though you would not let me be kind to you, you were kind to me. Even though you wouldn't let me get close to you, you were still talking to me and being my friend. Why?
When you left, I was bitter and resentful. Now that you're back, I'm thrown again into a turmoil of emotions. With everything's that's been happening recently, I don't need the added problem of you showing up again to confuse me even more. How do I feel towards you now? I don't know. All this time, I have been hating you. I have been angry and childish. In those days I tried so hard not to be selfish, but I've always been a dreamer and back then I couldn't stop dreaming of us together. Now I've stopped dreaming of that, but are there any feelings left for you? I don't know.
You are a part of my life that I'll always remember. My first love, I just want to be your friend now. I don't want to go through all of that bull s**t again.
God help me.
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