In life there are certain things one does not joke about. Certain things that are not meant to be made light of.
I am a person who takes everything as it comes. I try to see the good in all situations and put a good spin on what ever has happened including the the deaths of both of my grandfathers this year. There are very few things that can throw me for a loop.
Suicide is one of them - Cutting is another.
Anyway, I have a friend who I am not particularly close to. We sat with the same group of friends during lunch and walked down the hallway together sometimes. Yeah we talked, but it was idle chatter to fill the few moments we were around each other. Then one day a little more than halfway through the year, he wasn't at lunch and he wasn't in the hallways anymore. It probably took me a few days to realise his absence since we only shared one class and it wasn't as if I was really looking for him. Rumors went around about where he was: He moved, he was in jail, he was really ill, he'd dropped out. I remember one of my teachers mentioning he was out for "private health concerns" as she put it. Time passed and finally he returned to school after months of not being there.
We were sitting in guitar class and it was his second day back and I remember telling him "Hey, welcome back"! then giving him a hug and him responding "You're the first person to notice."
I can't play guitar to save my life. I can pluck out a tune and read the music if need be, but its not one of my passions. So there I was sitting just dazing off and staring into space after greeting him and doing the same thing I usually do when he turned to tell me something. I had to ask him to repeat it as I hadn't caught what he'd said.
"I tried to kill myself. That's why I was gone for so long. Did you know that when you're in confinement they take away your shoes because of the threat shoelaces pose? They even monitor you when you have your phone card. Supposedly a kid figured out how to cut himself with it. Papercut you know?"
I drew a blank. What does one say to something like that? To that sort of confession? Especially when you hardly know them.
"I tried to hang myself with some rope. It obviously didn't work and here I am."
Okay, so where was the happy part of this? Where was that silver lining? I scrambled for an answer - for anything. Yet the same thing was repeating over and over in my mind: He. Tried. To. Hang. Himself.
Never before had I ever been put in such a situation. Never before had someone told me something so private. What was I supposed to say? What could I say? In the end I didn't have to say anything at all.
"Hey do you have any lotion?"
It took a moment to register and I searched through the bottomless abyss that is my backpack to find some.
"This's kinda strange, but do you think you could help me?"
He'd rolled up the sleeves of his sweatshirt. There was line after endless line, cut after jagged cut, scar after shiny scar. My entired being stuttered to a stop. I froze. How could someone be that unhappy? I don't remember if I was shaking when I dabbed the lotion on his arms. If I was, he didn't say anything about it.
"Thanks." He said while he rubbed it into his skin and pulled his sleeves back down.
But I hadn't done anything. How come during the one time I felt I should say something to make the day seem brighter I couldn't think of anything at all?
Every time I meet someone, stumble across a profile, or read an icon that depicts a theme that relates to suicide and self mutilation I just want to scream.
I've heard it all:
"My life sucks"
"I just want to die."
"I wish I were dead."
"I cut because it makes me feel good."
"I want to kill myself, but I don't want to be dead."
"Oh look at me I just cut myself! See? SEE? Don't you feel bad for me?"
"Oh if I say I'm going to commit suicide maybe you'll pity me"
And EVERY TIME it pisses me off. EVERY TIME, I'm thrown back into that guitar class and that conversation repeats in my head. I don't enjoy it. I enjoy my happiness. I enjoy other people being happy. I DON'T enjoy some ******** messing around with a dull razorblade and casually using the phrase "I think I'm going to try and kill myself" just to get some attention. Piss off and get a life.
Later on, the same friend told me the reason he did it was because he'd hit a depression and one of the friends he'd cherished the most above everyone else told him that he was annoying and that if he were to die no one would notice and no one would care and that the world would be a better place without him in it.
How could you say that to someone? How could you tell that to somebody you knew full well cared for you? How can you call yourself a human being? Do you REALLY think the world would be a better place?
Its an eery thing to contemplate. Would the world be better off if someone hadn't existed?
I'd like to think that everyone leaves a imprint on the life of another and therefore makes some sort of change in that person for the better. It you were to take a single person away, the chain would be broken which would mean that whoever that person affected would no longer be who they were because of it.
I want to leave everlasting footprints in the minds of the people that I meet in this world. I don't mind if they never notice. I'll tread softly if I have to, as long as I can make a difference.
That's why I have two basic guidelines I try to live by:
1) Show everyone you know how much you care for them every time you see them. Which is why I'm always attacking people in hugs and telling them how much I love them.
2) The problems that life presents to you are only as complicated as you make them. Which is why I try to be as happy as possible - I don't want to be sad. I don't want everything to be complex. There is bliss in simplicity.
 ~+xVANDALx+~ · Sat Jul 12, 2008 @ 04:25am · 1 Comments |
