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It's over.

Remember a few entires back, how I ranted about how much I loved a certain someone? Well, we broke up a couple days ago. In hindsight, it's a petty reason, but if she wanted it, then who was I to refuse her wish?

To be more precise, she broke up with me. Apparantly I was acting too much like a father than a boyfriend. In hindsight now I suppose I was. Seems being a jerk is my specialty nowadays. A loner, a stinking, out of luck with the ladies loner.

Today, in fact, just a few mere minutes ago, it finally really and truely hit me. For the past hour or so, we chatted on MSN about various things, and...well, let's say she's already gotten over us.

On that day, I put on a brave face when she asked that we still be friends. I said that I would still be her friend, that I would still be here, like always, in case she needed me for any reason. I said that I would be here for her to support her. I said that I would be a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, to use as a step up. I said that I would be there to support her in her decisions.

Because...that's what friends do...isn't it? Support each other? Through thick and thin? Like...like...

I guess I still haven't gotten over it. I put on a brave face so many days ago. But bravery crumbles to reveal the fear of ones soul after being worn for too long. I fear now that mine has crumbled, my brave facade.

The very next day, I just didn't have my heart in me to do what I had intended to do, and I just moved around like the undead. Yet now...now...I can barely speak to her. All I can do is respond, and insert a few jokes here and there. I don't think she's noticed. And seeing as her account on Gaia got hacked, I feel safe putting my feelings here, without getting my head bitten off.

I'm not asking for pity from anyone who reads this. And I'm not asking anyone for solutions. I just want to know...why didn't I fight for her love? I just caved in and allowed her to have her way at that last point. Am I really that much of a loser? Am I really so much less of a man for not fighting?

I'm open, so I'll say this. I've never, ever been in a relationship like this before, as a real boyfriend, so please don't talk to me about being a wuss. That's right. I'm 19, and have had my first real bf/gf relationship start and end in the same year.

So, in conclusion, what am I? I leave that to your mercy, dearest readers. Be blunt, be specific, be callous, be caring, be whatever you please.

I'll still be here.