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Hello again everyone. Your local, crazy, and enigmatic (enigma... tic?) Maiyra/Annie/Mai/Tiffany/Squeeker/etc here.

So, I haven't slept in about four days. Ode to insomnia. There's been a lot on my mind from financial worries to psychological and physical worries. I've been dealing with a thyroid being thrown out of whack, my knees giving in on me and my heart beating so fast, it feels like it's going to beat out of my chest. Sunburn, vitamin dificiencies...

Making bills on time, being able to pay all my bills with my income... affording gas prices as well as affording the price of everything else that goes into life. Rent, insurance, gas, electric, phone, and my one vice... my own splurge... my internet bill. On average, these bills add up to around... 800 dollars a month. Wal-Mart wages is 1000 roughly a month. This is, not including groceries and other minor household expenses like dish soap, cleaning supplies, etc.

Psychologically - Oh Gods is my mind ******** right now. I'm working on getting my life back on track mentally. I didn't exactly have a model childhood growing up. Of course I didn't. My father left my mother when she was four months pregnant with me. He left her with two daughters and a son... one daughter dieing of cancer and another daughter on the way. In one year my mother lost her mother, daughter, sister, and brother... all within three months of each other. I was only three when this all happened. It doesn't even relate to the subject! Anyway...

My mother tried her hardest and she wasn't exactly thee model mother, but she tried. There were times we were homeless... there were times where we didn't know where the next meal was coming from. It didn't matter... we had each other. when my younger brother died, I was old enough to understand what was going on. Although I barely knew PJ, I had my baby sister to look forward to.

Gods. This is all irrelivant. Anyway, psychologically I'm trying to sort out my life and my feelings. I've been head over heals for someone I've known for a long time. I try to tell myself I'm not... but I am. I'm sure he knows who he is, maybe not. If he doesn't, I'll have to tell him myself. We've been great friends for years. I've hurt him a few times and he's never really, truly, hurt me. Social standards would've never supported us anyway. I didn't give a damn then and I still don't.

Of all the things I wish I would've done different in my life, this is the one regret I have. Not being able to tell him how I really felt about him. Having others say my words for me in ways I did not want them to say... letting myself be manipulated by others. Forgetting about myself to bow down to everybody else. For the last two years I've been beating myself up over it!

I've never felt so ashamed as I do thinking about how I was so stupid! How I lost the one I cared about most because I wasn't woman enough to tell him how I really felt about him. My feelings are strong for him to this day! Why wouldn't they be, you know?

And I'm not and easy girl, contrary to what some may think of me. I'm very prudish and I can't stand polygamy or cheating. Apparently since my kind behaviour is mistaken for flirting or the like, I have a hoard of men following me around as if I wanted to be with every single one of them. I get love confessions on a daily, sometimes even hourly basis. I can count them on my hands and toes! Do they know anything about me? No, they don't. They think they do.

They can't tell me what colour my eyes are or what bracelet I wear on my wrist. They can't even tell me what my favourite colour or food is. To me, these things matter. To me, he matters. Anyway, I'm getting too nostalgic. If anyone doesn't like what I'm saying right now, kiss my booty. Really. I care about him...

I love him and I miss him, even if we still talk to each other. I'm afraid I might've missed my chance, but I'll never give up on him! At least, not until I die! scream

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Mood: Exhausted
Music: Air conditioner.